We begin our look at the new film, BEAUTIFUL CREATURES, first talking with creators Kami Garcia and Margret Stohl, then director Richard LaGravenese who moved the project from book to film and actor Jeremy Irons who steps into a key role. Plus Marvel tries its hand at the romance game and the JLA movie hits a road block.
I’ve already received e-mails about this. Encouraging me to go nuclear on DC Comics’ for hiring Orson Scott Card to write a story for the new Adventures of Superman digital comic, as reported by IGN.
The first two chapters are by Orson Scott Card, Aaron Johnston, Chris Sprouse and Karl Story, the third by Jeff Parker and Chris Samnee; teling of Superman’s first meeting with Lex Luthor. Future chapters include work by Dan Abnett. Ed Benes, Mitch Breitweise, Giuseppe Camuncol, Nathan Edmondso, Joshua Hale Fialkov, Christos N. Gage, Marc Guggenheim, Justin Jordan, Matt Kindt, JT Krul , Max Landis, Andy Lanning, David Lapham, Jeff Lemire, Michael Avon Oeming, Riley Rossmo, Stephen Segovia, Bruce Timm, Marcus To and Marv Wolfman.
But Orson Scott Card is on the board of directors for National Organization for Marriage, an association committed to stopping the legalisation of gay marraige. And as a result of this, and a number of unpleasant statements he’s made regarding the issue of homosexuality, has been the subject of a number of boycotts. And it looks as if one is brewing for this Superman story.
I think that’s wrong.
There are a number of comic book creators who believe something very different to what I do. Some of those beliefs offend me. Sometimes they even inform their art, something that Card is unlikely to be accused of in Superman.
Some try to draw a line between an opionated person and an activist. I disagree, any famous person who expresses an opinion, especially in this day and age, de facto becomes an activist for that opinion.
It’s a very dangerous game, it has led in the past to witchtrials, McCarthyite or otherwise, and it’s no better than the actions of, say, One Million Moms. And next time? It could be you…
No, this is not a column about that. Get your minds out of the gutter, people!
I was working in the Special Projects department at Marvel Comics as an assistant editor when my boss, Executive Editor Bob Budiansky, called me into his office.
“I have something for you that will be absolutely perfect,” he said, “because you’re the only one in the department who will really appreciate it. I talked about it with Tom (DeFalco) and he agrees with me.”
“Okay,” I said, a bit apprehensive and yes, curious.
“The NFL approached us about doing a magazine aimed at kids who love football.”
“Okay,” I said, getting excited.
“It’s going to be like Sports Illustrated For Kids, only concentrating on football, of course.”
“Okay,” I said, trying stay dignified and professional.
“Each issue will also feature a full comic, plus news, articles and tidbits about Marvel.” “Okay,” I said, really trying to stay dignified.
“You’re going to be the editor.”
“O-KAY!!!!” I said, totally forgetting about dignity and professionalism and giving Bob a hug.
NFL Pro Action had its debut at Super Bowl XXVIII, January 30, 1993, where the Dallas Cowboys met the Buffalo Bills in Atlanta’s Georgia Dome for the right to claim the Vince Lombardi Trophy (Dallas won, 30 – 13). More than 71,000 fans found a copy of the magazine waiting for them in their gift seat cushions packs. Wolverine and Cyclops also distributed copies of NFL Pro Action at the inaugural NFL Experience, a celebration of football that has now become an annual four-day event, starting on the Thursday before the game and ending after the game on Super Bowl Sunday.
It was a true labor of love for me, for, as regular readers of this column know, I am a die-hard Big Blue fan and lover of football, having grown up in a family in which every Sunday during the season revolved around going to the game. My Dad got tickets to the Giants from a buddy of his who worked at the now-defunct Jersey City Herald-Tribune newspaper when he returned stateside from World War II.
The magazine had a broad mix of pop culture, trends, NFL and Marvel-related topics, including a comic. The kick-off issue of NFL Pro Action featured Troy Aikman about to get sacked by Wolverine, who was tearing through the cover. (Yeah, Wolvie hates the ‘Boys, like any good Giants fan.) In addition to an Aikman profile and trading card inserts of NFL superstars and Marvel’s super heroes, the magazine also included a look at the “little people” (5’9” and under) of the NFL, including the great Cowboy running back Emmit Smith at 5’9” and Barry Saunders of the Detroit Lions at 5’8”, an article about the Punt, Pass & Kick program which had been recently revived and spotlighted NFL players who had participated in PP&K as kids, an opening day photo shoot of Niners rookie Ted Kelly and – especially poignant yesterday – strength tips from the late, great, 10-time All-Pro, 12-time Pro-Bowler and member of the NFL 1990s All-Decade Team Junior Seau – yes, I met him, too, and he was also a wonderful, wonderful man.
Each issue of NFL Pro Action also included a 16-page custom comic and the premier issue starred the X-Men and Howie Long – who held up a copy of NFL Pro Action on FOX NFL Sunday, got a ribbing from Terry Bradshaw, and said that his kids were more impressed with his appearing with the X-Men than anything else he had done. The story, by Ralph Macchio, Chris Maarinin, and Keith Williams, with lettering by Dave Sharpe and colors by Ed Lazzerlli, featured Wolverine getting his ass whooped by Long in the Danger Room – the X-Men’s holographic “gym” – and then, humbled yet inspired by this encounter with the NFL star, Wolverine used what he learned from Long against the evil mutants called Morlocks, who live beneath New York City in forgotten subway tunnels.
It also featured Rogue’s Tailgating Tips. Turns out Rogue “favors baby back ribs smothered in barbecue sauce fresh from San Antonio, dim sum, shrimp dumplings, and sticky sesame rolls from Hong Kong, foot-long hot dogs smothered in ‘craut, peppers, onions, ketchup and mustard from Coney Island, and Cajun crawfish, crab legs, and roast pork from the best restaurants in N’Orleans.” Of course, it helps if you can fly to all these places on the morning of the game.
It was a fun gig, and, yeah, there were perks besides going to Super Bowl XXVIII to make any football fan drool. Going to an absolutely scrumptious 12-course dinner with the guys from NFL Properties on the Friday night before the game at a five-star Atlanta restaurant where waiters in white gloves and tuxedos stood behind you and gave you fresh silverware – and I mean sterling silver – for each new plate, and poured a fresh bottle of wine especially picked to match the new cuisine on each new plate, which included a fine champagne to go with the sherbet offered between the lobster and the filet mignon to “wash my palate” – yeah, I got drunk, and it was fun – while sitting next to and yakking with Peter King from Sports Illustrated, meeting Troy Aikman and Steve Young and Emmit Smith (again) and Sam Huff and Junior Seau (as mentioned) and Alex Karras and Dan Reeves and John Elway…
And then there were the not-so-much-fun things that happened, like missing the bus back to the hotel after the Super Bowl and getting lost in Atlanta on a Sunday night after the game…yes, and getting back to the hotel was an adventure, let me tell you. I wandered into a hotel, where a snooty hotel clerk wouldn’t let me use the phone to call a cab, for one thing. I got back to the hotel about two hours after the game, finally having hailed a cab out in front of the hotel – and a big thank you to those folks from California who let me share that cab with them.
And the big wing-ding, ultra-faaaaabulous Saturday night Super Bowl party, at which I met a member of the Atlanta’s city council, and had an interesting conversation, which went like this:
“So, how y’all like HOTlanta?”
“It’s a beautiful city.”
“Y’know, y’all think we’re a bunch of rednecks, down hyah, but let me tell, sugah, we’all treat our niggers down hyah a hell of a lot bettah than y’all do up there in Hymietown.”
“Thank you, I’ll be sure to tell my rabbi that.”
And the guy who thought I was a hooker, and followed me back to my room expecting to get action.
PUBLISHER ANNOUNCES PULP/SUPER HERO ROLE PLAYING GAME
FEATURING NEWLY DESIGNED SYSTEM
Pro Se Productions, a leading Publisher of Genre Fiction and New Pulp, announces that one of its most consistently popular properties is stepping beyond its covers and into the world of gaming.
YESTERYEAR by Tommy Hancock is a novel featuring a new universe of Heroes and Villains that explores the history of these characters, from their Pulp Roots in the Early 20th Century to the chaotic, power driven modern era of super powered beings. Centered around a manuscript that disappeared in the 1950s -along with its author -that has resurfaced, YESTERYEAR weaves a tale between two books; The original manuscript that peels back the gilded curtain from the Golden Age and the story of a modern publisher who has possession of the mythic tell all and has to sort out how best to use and it and stay alive.
Pro Se in conjunction with lost gamers productions announced that YESTERYEAR is being developed into a Role Play Game and will debut at Pulp Ark 2013.
“It’s really great,” Hancock stated, “that YESTERYEAR has gone to this level. In working on the second book (Nomorrow) it became quickly evident that there’s even a richer world than I first thought that can be played with in this series, not just by me, but by people who really know how to play. And to work with the guys at LGP is fantastic. They’re not only experts in game design and mechanics, but they came by that expertise by being gamers themselves. And to watch them apply their knowledge to my stories and to really breathe a whole new life into the universe I’ve gladly created, has been awesome.”
Not only will YESTERYEAR be a role playing game, it will actually be able to played in two different ways, thanks to a card-based system developed by LGP. The Quadrant System will allow YESTERYEAR to be a tabletop RPB as well as a LARP (Live Action Role Play) with no required variances.
“Although I’ve played a few RPGs,” Hancock said, “I by no means would qualify myself as a gamer. Yet, when I participated in one of the first testings of the Quadrant System for YESTERYEAR, it was simple and easy for me to understand. The ease with which the game can transition from tabletop to LARP is simple and amazing.”
YESTERYEAR has been and will continue to be tested in a variety of ways by the minds behind LGP, both internally and through application at conventions between now and April. The first official unveiling and playing of the game will be April 26-28, 2013 at Pulp Ark in Springdale, Arkansas.
Currently the Game Description is- Former Masked Man Ramsey Long’s once missing tell alljournal has resurfaced and both Hero & Villain alike are determined to take possession of it, by any means necessary. What secrets are kept within the journal? What really happened to Ramsey Long? And when the dust settles, where will your loyalties lie?
As for what materials will be available for purchase at Pulp Ark 2013 related to the game, details are still forthcoming. “Source books,” Hancock stated, “are in the planning stages and will be put together by some of Pro Se’s top talent as soon as all the particulars are worked out. As far as having something available for fans to walk away with at Pulp Ark 2013, we most definitely hope to have just that.”
For more information on YESTERYEAR’s debut as an RPG at Pulp Ark 2013, please go to www.pulpark.blogspot.com, email Hancock at proseproductions@earthlink.net, or call at 870-834-4022!
lostgamers productions (never capitalized), or LGP, is a gaming development group out of Memphis, TN. What started out as a small group of friends, arguing about every type of game available, has grown into tight-knit force of creative innovation. Since its inception, one major focus of LGP has been to evolve beyond the traditional style of tabletop & live action role-playing games and give its audience something different. Something they didn’t have collecting dust on a shelf at home. Along the way, they’ve introduced us to furniture-obsessed soldiers, multi-cultural pitchmen, living miniatures and computerized wrestlers. So, whether you’ve been SHAFTED or manipulated in a game of GEEK BALL, you can attest to their commitment to make sure you’ve experienced something fun. And nothing proves that better than their premiere experience, DEBATE OF THE DEAD.
Pro Se Productions is Your Home for New Pulp! Come join us as we Put The Monthly back into Pulp at www.prosepulp.com and www.pulpmachine.blogspot.com
When I was a kid, comics were all I thought about. There was no better time in my day than when I was finished all my crap schoolwork and was able to turn my attention to the Fantastic Four, Spider-Man or Batman
I was a child of DC but soon I was just as vested in Marvel as I was in DC. I remember when Kirby left Marvel to do the Fourth World books at DC. That to me at the time was as big a deal as Obama becoming the first black President is now.
Really.
Kirby coming to DC was Huge. I’ll never forget when I got my first issue of the Forever People and saw Kirby’s Here on the cover.
Comics golden age for me was the second silver age. That second silver age was Walt Simonson’s Thor, Howard Chaykin’s American Flagg!, Frank Miller’s Daredevil, Marvel’s Secret Wars, The Killing Joke, the Dark Knight, The Watchmen and about another dozen or so titles.
I freely admit that I’m biased in my thinking about comics and what’s important and what’s not. I also freely admit that I have no right nor do have any influence over what you may think.
But…
In my day I think comics were better than they are today.
That’s my opinion and I’m welcome to it but consider the following before you dismiss me, are you tired of new universes and new number ones?
In my day a number one was the Holy Grail of the comic book world.
Now?
New number ones are as common as a new Kardashian lover and just as relevant.
While I’m on the subject, Kim Kardashian has no talent and contributes nothing to the world, yet millions of people hang on her every stupid move. Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for her milking America for millions of dollars when she has no value whatsoever.
That’s not a joke, I respect anyone who can figure out a way to milk millions from people with absolutely no talent or value. Again I’m not kidding I respect that kind of moxey.
But…
Come the (bad word here) on, what does she or her family contribute except some of them have really nice tits? Oh and yes, I’d hit that but that’s beside the point. She and her family really have no significance in the real world.
Comics on the other hand do have significance in the real world.
How so you ask?
A hundred years from now Superman will still be relevant. Kim? She may not be relevant in two years. I know this for sure because America has a way of waking up to bullshit. It may take a moment but soon perhaps very soon the country and world will see that the Emperor (Empress?) has no clothes.
How do I know this for sure? Two words: Paris Hilton.
But I digress (thinking about you, Peter). I maintain that the comics in my day were better than the comics today and what follows are my admittedly flawed arguments.
When ever a comic universe goes to a new number one that erases the vast history of what was gone before. It’s a ‘do over’ and a ‘screw you’ to fans that loved the universe at the same time. When Marvel did Secret Wars and DC did Crisis those were really massive events but they were not do overs or a screw you to fans. Those were events that changed the universe not events that discarded the universe.
They were also the kind of events you talked about for years because they really were events.
Now an event is talked about until the next event, two, three weeks later.
B L A M!! R I M S H O T !! I’m here all week! Try the veal! Herman Cain, try the watermelon!
When Marv Wolfman killed Barry Allen (something to this day I have not forgiven him for) I felt that lost. When Stan Lee killed Gwen Stacy I felt I had lost a girlfriend. Now these sort of deaths are commonplace and it my humble opinion it’s because of Superman.
When Superman “died” no one and I mean no one in the comic book world thought for a second he was really dead. The only people who thought he was really dead were the suckers who brought 50 copies thinking one day they would be worth millions.
BAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
If you can kill the most important superhero in the history of the industry then everything and I mean everything is fair game.
But…
That fair game seems to be monthly now. When DC killed Superman it, at the time, was a bold move designed to boost the icon’s lagging sales. Now characters dying, coming out of the closet, going over to the dark side, etc. is no longer an event it’s as common as the Cubs not making the World Series. The Cubs suck; that’s why they don’t make the series. Comic book creators don’t suck; comic book creators are better than the bullshit event like Archie kissing a black girl.
What the heck was that anyway? Archie Andrews pulling a black girl? Talk about imaginary stories.
Yes, I’m quite aware that the audience today is not me. Yes, there are books being done today that quite frankly are works of art and literary genius. Yes, some books today have transcended comics, TV and film and become part of what fuels movements.
But…
Forget all of that. In my day comics were better and that is that.
Is it Khan Noonian Singh or is it Gary Mitchell? Or could it be someone else from out of the Star Trek TOS mythos?
Ever since the first teaser debuted on theater screens around the world, Trekkers have been debating the identity of the villain.
Here’s my take: I don’t think it’s Khan.
There are two big reasons, I think, that many fans are convinced it’s Khan.
First, the voiceover talks of vengeance and watching loved ones die, and every good Trekker knows that Khan was driven by a need to avenge himself on Kirk for several reasons: (1) Kirk, a product of “ordinary” conception, defeated the “superior intellect” of the genetically manipulated Khan; (2) Kirk never bothered to check up on Khan and his followers, essentially marooning them on Ceti Alpha V, and (3) most probably, psychologically most importantly, that historian who betrayed Kirk and the Federation just because Ricardo Montabalm was one hot, sexy roll in the hay, the one who went into exile with Khan? (BTW, I never understood why Khan would love and respect a traitor. This was a man who goes on and on about loyalty.) She died, killed by one of those scarab-eels that was the “planet’s only remaining indigenous life form.
Second, there’s that scene in the trailer that’s especially evocative of The Wrath Of Khan in which, separated by transparent aluminum(?) paneling of the dilithium chamber, Kirk and Spock’s hands form mirror images of each other in a “live long and prosper” symbolic good-bye.
But…
Khan Noonian Singh was never in Starfleet and the trailer and other promotional material points to someone within the organization. The trailer also gives the impression that the bad guy is someone with immense, inherent power, and Khan, for all his intellect, still had to depend on scarab-eels and the Genesis devise to do his dirty work. And this is just a minor point, but Khan Noonian Singh’s heritage is Punjabi, not British Isles. Of course, J.J. Abrams doesn’t have to stick with that, but so far in his reboot, all the characters have remained true to their traditional genomes.
I think it’s Gary Mitchell.
Gary Mitchell, for those of you who have never seen the episode (Where No Man Has Gone Before) was Jim Kirk’s best friend. Mitchell had saved Jim’s life more than once, and had even maneuvered a blonde lab technician into Kirk’s orbit. Ostensibly this little blonde lab technician was Carol Marcus, whom Kirk nearly married. But at some point in their careers, Kirk reported Mitchell for failing in his duty, and Mitchell’s chance at promotion was downgraded. Still, Kirk believed in his friend’s potential, and brought him onto the Enterprise as helmsman.
On an exploratory mission to the edge of the galaxy, the Enterprise hits some kind of energy barrier that does enough damage to the ship that Kirk orders the ship out of there. The energy barrier also kills a bunch of crewman, and knocks out Mitchell. Upon wakening, his eyes glow silver, and he begins to display psionic powers, including telepathy and telekinesis.
Eventually Mitchell becomes so powerful that “absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Spock advises Kirk to kill Mitchell while “he still can,” but Kirk can’t bring himself to do that, deciding instead to maroon Mitchell on a planet. But Mitchell has now mutated into a being with god-like power, and Kirk is forced, in the end, to kill him.
Anyway, what I’m thinking is that in the reboot version, Kirk was able to maroon Mitchell on the planet; only now Mitchell has escaped, and has returned to wreak not only vengeance on Kirk and those he loves, but on Starfleet for daring not to appreciate Mitchell’s abilities.
And the official teaser from Paramount reads:
In the wake of a shocking act of terror from within their own organization, the crew of The Enterprise is called back home to Earth. In defiance of regulations and with a personal score to settle, Captain Kirk leads his crew on a manhunt to capture an unstoppable force of destruction and bring those responsible to justice. As our heroes are propelled into an epic chess game of life and death, love will be challenged, friendships will be torn apart, and sacrifices must be made for the only family Kirk has left: his crew.
Unstoppable force of destruction.
That would certainly describe Gary Mitchell, a.k.a. John Harrison.
And a chess game is mentioned.
In the original episode, chess is played, and it’s a theme in the story. (Okay, I’m reaching.)
At the Consumer Electronics Show, Paramount unveiled a clip featuring British actress Alice Eve, who plays Carol Marcus in May’s Star Trek Into Darkness. She introduces the film’s cutting edge App.
Star Trek has a history of leading others along the marketing trail. They were featured on the very first Happy Meal and Star Trek was the first movie to have a dedicated website back in the World Wide Web’s earliest days. And now the app promises the following:
• An audio scan function that can be turned on to automatically recognize and reward users for watching Star Trek Into Darkness content on TV and other media;
• An image scan function that enables users to interact with images printed or viewable in the real world;
• A geofencing function for location-based experiences;
• New Star Trek Into Darknesscontent, such as videos, images and wallpapers delivered directly to users’ mobile devices;
• Exclusive opportunities and special offers only available to app users;
• One lucky sweepstakes winner will be rewarded with the grand prize of attending the Star Trek Into Darkness U.S. premiere.
The app was developed by Qualcomm Incorporated using Gimbal context awareness technologies which will be used to deliver exclusive content and advanced real world game experiences for the Star Trek Into Darkness application based on the upcoming movie from J.J. Abrams.
These cutting edge technologies are being showcased in a never before-seen way and will enable users to automatically engage with a wealth of movie related materials by utilizing their real-life surroundings to auto-complete integrated missions by employing audio scan, geo-location recognition, and image recognition functionality powered by Qualcomm Vuforia. The Star Trek Into Darkness app will launch at the end of January.
During the second quarter of the big game, the app will allow users the ability to unlock the first of many surprises during the airing of the Star Trek Into Darkness TV-spot, making this one of the most unique and interactive apps ever created for a movie.
“We are excited about collaborating with Paramount on this app as it further brings to life Qualcomm’s vision of the digital sixth sense, where devices intelligently interact with the world around you,” said Dr. Jacobs. “By leveraging the Gimbal platform, this app harnesses the power of the smartphone to bridge the digital and physical world, allowing the studio to market the film in the real world and simultaneously bring users into the film’s story and world.”
Star Trek Into Darkness is written by Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman & Damon Lindelof and directed by J.J. Abrams. Abrams is producing with Bryan Burk through Bad Robot Productions, along with Lindelof, Kurtzman and Orci. Jeffrey Chernov and Skydance Productions’ David Ellison, Dana Goldberg and Paul Schwake are the executive producers.
That last page is going to calm a LOT of people down.
With the seven hundred issue run of Amazing Spider-Man ended, Marvel has started this new odd hybrid Spider-Man in a new title, Superior Spider-Man, which premiered this week. Writer Dan Slott has presented one of the most controversial plot twists in comics in some time and set it up in a new book. And it works exceedingly well. (Spoilers ahead.)
SUPERIOR SPIDER-MAN #1 by Dan Slott art by Ryan Stegman, color by Edgar Delgado
Since its first page, the comic has been there to corrupt the world with fond smiles and happy sighs. If it can continue to do so through a new printed form, it would make a dream come true. Not only will the first book of Go Get a Roomie include all of chapters 1-12, but countless other extras as well! Bonus chapter, illustrations and sketches, redrawn comic strips, drinking game, kitties, a sneak peek at a secret project, and much more!
They’ve already blown past their initial goal of $20,000 in the first day, so it’s going to be funded, but they have lots and lots of stretch goals… at $30,000 they’ll throw in some extra charms and stickers free for everyone ordering at least a book. At $50,000 they’ll throw in a bonus book only chapter on top of the mini chapter already being put into the book, and at $75,000 they’ll get Little one plushies made and add them to anyone getting at least a book. Lord only knows what they’ll do if they hit $100,000– but I think they better start planning for it.
I think tomorrow I’ll call up Merriam-Webster and suggest a new word for their dictionary. That word? Geeklitism. (Not to be confused with Geekleetist, which posts fun stuff).
It should be in the dictionary, because it certainly is a thing that exists. But how would I suggest they define it? Damned if I know, although I guess the short version could be: “claiming you’re a ‘real geek’ and other people aren’t; claiming you’re the superior geek.” But really, the various aspects of both this attitude and of being a “geek” generally are so broad that I’m not sure they can be encompassed in a dictionary definition.
The reason for this, and the funny thing about “being a geek,” is that it’s a different experience for everyone. For instance, I’ve been a geek probably all of my life; but I don’t know that I ever really knew it until adulthood, when, thanks to the increased ease of finding like-minded people via the internet, it suddenly turned out it wasn’t such a bad thing to be. As far as I recall, no one called me a geek growing up. I had no idea I was part of this mysterious group of people called “geeks.”
“What??” I can hear a geeklitist out there crying out in triumph. “No one called you a geek? That must mean that you didn’t get bullied by the “cool kids” in school! Haha! You can’t understand the suffering and hardships that I went through in my formative years because of my love of stories about hobbits! You are not a real geek like me!” (This is the kind of thing geeklitists say, don’t you know. Sometimes they also add, “And all the girls made fun of me!! I’ve never gotten over that! My life was so hard!”)
But that’s not really what I said, is it? Of course I got picked on. Most kids do. For instance, when I was in first grade and all the cool kids in my new school had moved on to jeans or whatever was in fashion, my mom, bless her, still dressed me in cutesy pastel sweatsuits with big decorative (but pointless) buttons and bows on them. It follows that one of my first memories of my new school is three girls in my class making fun of my clothes on the playground – at which point I probably said something mean.
I was a well-read little child, who could creatively insult other children with words that none of us really knew the meaning of; but they sounded like insults, so it all worked out. For example, at some point in my primary school years, one of the biggest insults I remember using was, “You’re corroded!” (Which makes no sense under the real definition but sounds like maybe you have a gross skin condition?) My favorite of the weird words I personally transmogrified into an insult when young was “You’re a transubstantiationalist!” No one else had any idea what it meant, but I managed to convince the kids I was using it on that it was a really horrible thing to be. Mwahaha. But I digress. Anyway, at that point, we all got in a fight. Like a physical fight, of the kicking and punching and hair and decorative bow-pulling variety. Yowch.
“Whatever!” the geeklitist is saying. “That’s not what I meant. That’s just fashion. You were only a geek if you were ostracized because of your offbeat hobbies and/or love of genre fiction as a child! That’s what makes you a real geek like me.” Well, yes. I was that, too. I used to sit by myself at lunch and read giant books that were too “old” for me, like Clan of the Cave Bear and The Mists of Avalon, propped up in front of me as I ate with painful slowness (something else for which I was occasionally teased, but which turns out to be the healthy way to eat. Take that!). I’d walk down the school halls reading A Swiftly Tilting Planet or maybe The Deed of Paksenarrion without looking up (during which I developed a great sixth sense for not running into people while looking down, which is very handy these days when texting while walking to work).
I was definitely called weird, and often, annoying (because I used big words and talked a lot) more times than I can count. I engaged in some geek activities that probably would have been thought cool by at least the little boys in my class, like watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and X-Men cartoons, but I never realized that, because at that point in my life, boys had cooties. (Of course.) I’m not saying I didn’t have friends; I did, and they were a lot of fun. But I also got made fun of; and as far as I knew, most of my friends were not actually interested in The Lord of the Rings or Batman: The Animated Series. I don’t even know that I ever thought to ask most of them.(Or if I did, and received blank stares, I probably never brought it up again. This is why I’d never make a good Whedonvangelist, another word I’ve decided should be in the dictionary.)
Those were the sorts of things I often enjoyed alone, and didn’t really talk about that much, and that was fine. I knew (from others telling me, repeatedly) that I was a weird child, and I guess I just kind of assumed that was how life was and would continue to be for me – having some interests that nobody around me shared. Of course, that feeling of being alone in one’s interests is often cited as part of the experience of geekdom; and of course, in truth, lots of other people also had those interests; I just hadn’t discovered them yet. But I guess that’s all part of being a geek.
“Ahaha!” an entirely different brand of geeklitist is chortling. “But none of that matters! That’s just kid stuff! You’re not a real geek like me unless you can list, right this minute, in reverse alphabetical order, every superhero who turned out to be a Skrull during Secret Invasion! And until you can name at least three obscure continuity errors in [my favorite comics character’s] ongoing storyline! And unless you can tell me your three favorite fighting tactics for the video game character whose costume you are now wearing!” But, second brand of geeklitist…the water is wide, and the world is large, and I might like a different character than you do, or I might focus on something for different reasons than you do. Are you saying your viewpoint and favorite genre things and factoids are inherently better and geekier than mine, and are the only things that can bestow upon all of us admission into the uber-exclusive society of geekdom, just because they are yours? …Well, yes, yes you are, and that’s pretty self-centered. We can all be geeks in our own ways, with our own specific areas of interest and knowledge. Right?
“No no,” chides another, lone geeklitist, standing apart with one brow raised and pointing a finger at each of us in turn. “You will never, ever be a real geek, because you didn’t watch Firefly until it came out on DVD! You only like the newest Doctor Who! You never participated in the drive to keep Chuck on the air via purchasing mounds of Subway sandwiches. You’ll never be a real geek, not any of you, because (cue dramatic music and Iwo Jima flag-raising reenactment) I was here first, and I claim this geekdom in the name of Geekmoria! It’s mine, all miiiiine!!!!!”
…What? No, really, what? That’s just asinine.
“…”
“…”
“Well…maybe,” says the lone geeklitist doubtfully. “But I was here first.”
How do you know, lone geeklitist? Did you turn on your TV to a new show before anyone else in the entire world? Acquire an ARC of the first book in a now-beloved series? Hold in your excited hands the very first copy of the very first appearance of a comic book character? And even if you did…why does that give you any more claim to an appreciation of it than anyone else? Why does timing somehow make you more passionate about your geekdom than all the other geeks?
“…?”
Exactly.
So, any other geeklitists out there want to make a stand about how they’re the real geeks? I just ask because I don’t like to exclude people, although I realize the irony of saying that to you, geeklitists.
…
…
I’m hearing a lot of silence out there. Guess I’ll just wrap this u–what? I’m sorry? What did you say?
A chorus of low, angry, guttural voices rises from the deep to repeat itself, as one last group of geeklitists has its say:
That last page is going to calm a LOT of people down.
