Author: Matt Raub

Synopsis:

A perfect bank heist turns deadly when the robbers and their hostages flee to the abandoned underground subway station where they encounter the Trackman, a deformed madman that prowls the darkness. It becomes a fight for survival as the mysterious monster picks off the people, both good guys and bad, one by one.

Lowdown:

Remember the days when horror films didn’t need a twist ending? When Freddy Krueger never turned out to be Nancy’s father, or Michael Myers was never just a part Laurie’s subconscious? Those were the good old days, but since the genre has been changed by things like Saw or the trend of remaking Japanese horror, it’s almost like a rite of passage to have a “mind-altering” twist at the end of the film, and quite frankly, its getting old.

Trackman has some great slasher movie elements to it, buried deep inside of a poorly edited and badly shot film. Having that the film was made in Russia, I may not be up to speed on how things are shot and edited there, but I’m pretty sure taking a page from Zack Snyder’s book of “unnecessary slow motion” is universally unacceptable. At least when Snyder does it, it’ during a moment of deep(ish) drama to accentuate the moment, and not just establishing shots of dark hallways slowed down to fill time. The film weighs in at 80 minutes, but if you were to dump the slo-mo shots, we’re looking at more like an hour.

The beginning kicks off with a very “Inside Man” feeling, with two men going over the plan for a bank robbery. The robbery goes on, some unneeded blood was shed, and the robbers escape with a few hostages for good measure. Their plan, for some reason, involves roaming around an abandoned tunnel system where (here’s when things get fun) they come across the Trackman.

The origin of the “monster” is done through about two lines of dialogue and something about Chernobyl, but is vague and pretty borders on being convoluted. The great thing about the Trackman is that he had just about all of the elements that made Jason Voorhees so scary for decades: covered face, skulky, had the ability to appear and disappear when needed, wielded a pretty big weapon, and even had a memorable rattle (replacing the Ch-Ch-Ch-Ka-Ka-Ka with some pretty heavy footsteps). The twist in the end of the film, however, negates all of this as we learn that the monster may not be all that monstrous.

The gore is done on a pretty low budget for the film. The big shtick that the Trackman has is a makeshift eye-scooper that he uses to rip out the eyes of his victims and keep. The act of scooping is done all off camera with screams, and even the more gory slasher-type kills are done off camera. A bit of a rip off for the fans of the genre who remember the days of Jason hacking away pieces of campers.

While the film does have its flaws, it makes up for it by bottling what we all loved about the slasher films of the 80s. There are some great moments of suspense and horror, and there may even be room for a return of the Trackman, provided they can find another reason to go into an abandoned Russian mining tunnel.

Overall Rating: 6/10

Scare Factor: 4/5

Synopsis:

The sixth grade students of a small town begin to realize that their new substitute teacher is an alien. When the parents don’t believe them, they are forced to take matters into their own hands. It is later revealed that the alien’s goal is to understand Earth’s concept of love and destroy the planet, because her planet knows only of war.

Lowdown:

It’s funny how many one-word horror titles are out there and have the ability to sound so ominous. “[[[The Substitute]]]” has been used a good amount of times to intimidate, if you count the 1996 thriller starring Tom Berenger about a militant sub who straightens out an urban high school(which spawned two sequels), or Martin Donovan’s 1993 TV movie about a substitute teacher with a dark past, or even the sequel to 1990’s Class of 1999, in which a robotic substitute assassinates a group of punks. This film, produced in 2007, certainly attempts to live up to it’s name, but sadly falls short with some poor acting and a confusing plot.

The film hails from Denmark, which means you have the choice of watching the DVD in it’s original language with subtitles (which is horrible for genres like comedy and horror which rely on timing), or you can watch the film with the English dubbing, which due to the cartoonish voices for the children, will make you laugh more than intended. While most of the actors in the film are children, the responsibility to hold things together is on the shoulders of veteran Danish actress Paprika Steen. She may be a big deal over in Denmark, but her overacting as the alien substitute with a hunger for live chickens is outlandish at best.

With a plot synopsis reading “an alien takes over a sixth grade class”, there aren’t many places you can go that won’t deliver as obtuse or puerile, but this film manages to go in the opposite direction and take the “confusing and pretentious” path. The end of the film consists of the substitute teacher taking the students on a field trip to her point of origin with plans on doing something malevolent. The first time they arrive, the children plan an escape and almost get away, if it wasn’t for time rewinding twelve hours and nobody remembering anything. They then go for “ending #2” and fight the alien. The rewind ending made no sense and left me trying to figure out what had happened, rather than watching the ending, which was subpar as well.

The special effects are done pretty well in parts, which is good because it’s hard to sell an alien horror film with a weak budget unless your last name is Wood and you’re BFF’s with Bela Legousi. There are a few moments where the computer graphics look a bit wonky, but overall, there was no problem in believing that this substitute was just an alien with a tendency to overact.

With the script by Ole Bornedal, the same guy who brought us a great concept like [[[Nightwatch]]] and let it fall into confusion and obscurity, it only makes sense that a great concept like this film can fall apart inside of the first half hour. The overall moral towards the end was supposed to be that “love conquers war”, but really, didn’t we already know that? It doesn’t take a chicken-eating Danish cougar to explain it to us through a bunch of sixth graders.

Overall Rating: 3/10

Scare Factor: 3/5

Synopsis

A father, concerned for his autistic daughter’s health, sees her immediate removal from the hospital as her only option. An elevator break-down prevents a smooth exit and renders them trapped with others. This is only the beginning of their descent into hell. When the doors finally open, the hospital appears mysteriously deserted. As mutilated bodies are found, creatures from a dark world start a frightening attack. It soon becomes clear that the survival of the group may rest solely on the little girl.

Lowdown

The one thing that needs to be known before watching [[[Dark Floors]]] is that this film is primarily a showcase for the Finnish metal band Lordi. Those unfamiliar with the band should consider them like Rob Zombie meets [[[GWAR]]]. The international subtitle for the film is even “[[[The Lordi Motion Picture]]]”. The band, along with the leader Mr. Lordi, came up with the idea for the film, and star as all of the “monsters” in the film (in quotes because if you see a picture of the band, you know that this is what they normally look like, professional makeup and all). The members of the band are essentially playing themselves in the film. This film is to the members of Lordi like Moonwalker is to Michael Jackson, without anybody turning into a car. Sadly, this is probably the coolest part of the film. The plot takes itself a little too seriously, and with a weak and confusing resolution at the end, it really should have just been about the band members.

The effects are pretty well done, and just about on-par with a music video, which makes sense, seeing as how the director has also directed all of Lordi’s videos. The film is currently the most expensive movie made in Finland, weighing in at 300,000 Euros (which is about $390k). The monster makeup is great, but if you ever seen images of the band itself, this is pretty much how they look 24/7. Not knowing that the film is about the band makes for a confusing ride. You’ll find yourself asking why the monster has a goatee and dressed like Meatloaf circa 1984.

Being written by a Finnish metal band and directed by a Finnish director makes it pretty hard to take place in the United States. The leads of Noah Huntley ([[[28 Days Later]) and Dominique McElligott are both from the UK and they begin to lose their American accent about halfway through the film. The brooding band members do a great job brooding and Skye Bennett does a great job as the precognitive-but-creepy little girl, Sarah.

The fact that the film takes itself serious while the primary antagonists are members of a metal band should show how campy the movie is overall. If you are in on the joke of this film, it can be pretty funny, like “Hey look, the guitarist is chasing that lady down a hallway, he must be terrible!”. So beware: if you watch this film without that knowledge, you may fall into the trap of taking it too seriously.

Overall, the film looks gorgeous and will keep you entertained with a “time loop” plot twist. Though the main plot comes off as a little pretentious, the fact is that this is essentially from the mind of a Finnish metal band about the characters they portray, so you’ll be scared as much as you’d laugh if it where the Hall & Oats chasing you around an abandoned hospital.

Scare Factor: 3/4

Overall Rating: 6/10