Category: Michael Davis

Michael Davis: Dark Horse Wants Me Dead, Part 2

SONY DSCLast week I started telling the tale of Mike Richardson, CEO, publisher and owner of Dark Horse Entertainment and the hit he has put out on me. Please refer to part one before reading this.

After years of back and forth Mike Richardson finally gives me the OK to proceed with my graphic novel, The Underground – A Story of The Underground Railroad.

I’ve written hundreds of pages and produced dozens of preliminary drawings for the project but now it was time to produce the book.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

This was (is) a dream project and I wanted to do wonderful if not award winning work on it. I was so happy it was finally green lit I did the one thing I shouldn’t have: I became obsessed with the process.

SONY DSCI wrote the full script like a comic book script, breaking down each panel on the page complete with captions and word balloons. Didn’t like the first draft so I did another. Didn’t like that so I did another.

This went on for about a year. Then one day I realized my problem, the format the script was in was not working for me. I then wrote the story as a novel. After about three months I realized writing a novel was a stupid as shit way to do a graphic novel.

Duh.

SONY DSCThen I figured it out, write the script as a novella (short novel) then illustrate that.

Duh.

That process took another few years.

Before I go on it’s important for me to tell you that like Mike Richardson was busy with a multitude of projects during the years it took to green light my project, I had nowhere near the workload of Mike but while working on the Underground I also had numerous on my plate.

SONY DSCI don’t want to give you the impression that all I was working on was The Underground and was taking years to complete it. During the time I was working on the Underground I was also the head writer on a television show, creating content in a joint venture with a large entertainment company, not to mention writing two books and writing and illustrating another graphic novel and writing two weekly columns, one of which is for ComicMix.

However, Mike Richardson runs a massive entertainment company, yes he has a staff but Mike makes it a point to be involved and he takes the time to make sure the project is right before he green lights it. That’s why Mike’s involvement took the time it took.

After my project got the go ahead no matter what else I had to do it doesn’t matter I should be finished with the Underground by now.

And…I almost am.

Finally.

It will still be a few months but in an effort to show Mike some of what I’ve been doing I’m premiering some of the art here. Hopefully Mike will see this and call off the hit.

I hope so; the last two people who owed Mike a graphic novel were Tupac and Biggie.

WEDNESDAY: Mike Gold Goes Toonie

 

Michael Davis: Dark Horse Wants Me Dead

Davis Art 130129Mike Richardson CEO, publisher and owner has ordered a hit on me. Here’s the story…

Over a decade ago I sold a project to DC Comics and that deal fell apart.

Why? Why does the phone always ring when you are in the bathroom? Why do gay people join the GOP? Why from behind certain white guys look like girls? Why after I found out he was a guy did I still buy him a drink?

Sometimes it’s just silly to ask why. Sometimes you just continue on your journey the why becoming less and less important. I’m also not one to relive old dumb shit in my life.

This is not the place to pick at old wounds…but since I know you want to know…

The editor assigned to the project wanted me off the project. Yeah, my project, my idea and he wanted me gone. Why?

Why ask why? Why does every fat girl you made fun of in high school turn out to be a skinny fox who won’t give your stupid ass the time of day? Why don’t Democrats make it a point to never let the country forget we went to war twice for no fucking reason because of the GOP? Why do some people like fruitcake?

I’m above asking why and won’t lower myself to even think about why the editor wanted me off my own project. But what kind of writer would I be to leave my fans (both of them) wondering?

The stupid motherfucker just didn’t like me.

DC would have wrote me a check and still did the project without me but I politely told the editor “No thank you, I’ll take the project elsewhere.”

I think my exact words were something like “Fuck you bitch.”

Two days after that polite conversation, I was pitching the project to Dark Horse. Mike Richardson loved it and signed on to do it.

Take that, DC Comics!

Dark Horse is one of, if not the, best place, to do a creator owned property was going to do my project! On top of that Mike Richardson was going to edit the book himself!

Mike Richardson a legend in the business! Mike Richardson, maker of great comics, great movies, great toys!

Mike Richardson was going to oversee my project! That was indeed great news!

Mike Richardson was going to oversee my project! That was indeed a great problem!

Why you ask was that both great news a great problem?

Why ask wh…oh fuck it, I’ll just tell you.

It’s great because Mike is one of the best at what he does. Just look at the numerous products Dark Horse does all over the entertainment world Dark Horse is into movies, television, toys you name the media chances are good that Dark Horse has a project in it.

Not to shabby being in business with the guy that runs all that eh?

Why is this a problem?

Because Mike Richardson may be in Portland on a Monday, Los Angeles Monday night and Prague Tuesday afternoon. When Mike is overseeing your project meetings and feedback can take a day a week or a couple of months.

I started sending Mike outlines of the four-issue superhero mini series and Mike would send me notes or we would sit down and go over it. I did many and I mean many drafts of this superhero epic over a couple of years.

That’s right, years.

One day out of the blue Mike called me and said; “This isn’t a superhero story. Let’s take the superheroes out ”

Mind you, I had written literally hundreds of pages of outline over the course of what was now three years. Also this was to be my “Black Watchman,” a term coined by Keith Giffen, BTW.

So now I have to start all over. So I did and this was when I realized that my “Black Watchmen” story was a good story but it wasn’t this story, so Mike was right.

So for the next couple of years I’m submitting outlines to Mike he’s giving me notes and we meet on occasion to talk about the project.

Then low and behold, one day Mike says to me about my latest outline, ‘This is it, go do the book!”

So now I have to do the book.

Shit…

End Part One.

WEDNESDAY: Mike Gold And Alfred Pennyworth’s Guns

 

Michael Davis: George Clooney And Nice Guys Named Mike

Davis Art 130121“Comics are full of nice guys named Mike.”

Either Mike Gold or Mike Grell said the above quote some 20 years ago. Considering I was just five at the time, please forgive me if I can’t remember who said what.

What?

Whoever said it was talking about the comics industry and the abundance of seemingly nice people in it. At the time we were all working on a comic called Shado: Song of the Dragon.

Mike Gold was the editor, Mike Grell was the writer, and I penciled and colored the book. We jokingly called the project, the Mike book.

It was my second major project and I was trilled as shit to be working with Mike Grell, who was (is) a nice guy. Mike Gold is a nice guy and I’m a nice guy.

Really, I’m a nice guy.

Most of the people I’d met in the comic industry have been really nice people.

I came to Hollywood in 1994 to run the film and television division of Motown Records.  Most of the work I’ve done since then has been in television. I’ve met a lot of people in Hollywood and let me tell you compared to comics, that industry is full of not so nice people.

And by not so nice I mean assholes.

Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of really nice people in Hollywood. For example, George Clooney and Wayne Brady are two of the nicest people you will ever meet.

I’ve hung out a couple times with George and he’s a great guy. No, he’s not my friend (unless you are a really pretty Asian girl and that would impress you, if that’s the case then George and I are best friends) but every time I see George he treats me warmly and makes me feel genuinely like he’s glad to see me.

This kind treatment from one of the biggest stars in the world, how cool is that?

Now, Wayne is a dear friend and he’s as cool as cool can be and has been since the moment he and I met some five years ago. I don’t want to give the impression that Wayne and George are the only nice people I’ve met in Hollywood they are not…but I’ve met many and I mean many people in Hollywood.

And a lot of them are dicks.

I think I know why there are more dicks in Hollywood than there are in comics.

Respect.

For the most part people in comics meet you and at least try and get to know you. In Hollywood that’s not the case, in Hollywood if people meet you and determine you won’t make them any money then that, as they say, is that.

No, not everyone in Hollywood is a blood sucking, money grubbing parasite but yeah; I’ve met more than a few who are.

The San Diego Comic Con International is the biggest pop culture event in the world. Comic Con does not need Hollywood, Hollywood needs Comic Con.

My point?

I’m sick to fucking death of Hollywood thinking Comic Con is their event.

It’s not.

Every year at Comic Con I give a big party, every year a bunch of Hollywood players show up and I let them in. I won’t bore you with the “stars” that have attended my parties but take my word for it, it’s impressive.

But…

Every year, Hollywood gives parties at Comic Con and every year it seems that the comic book industry is shut out of those events.

That pisses me the fuck off to no end.

I think George Clooney is a wonderful actor and a really nice guy, I really, really do think that. But if George showed up at my Comic Con party at the same time Len Wein showed up and I could only let one of them in, it would be Len.

Why?

Because it’s Comic Con!

Len is part of Comic Con, like water is part of wet. Period.

Long story short, Hollywood, comics do not need you. You need us.

‘Nuff said.

WEDNESDAY: Mike Gold and the Great Comics’ Shell Game

Michael Davis: Your Comics Suck

Davis Art 130115When I was a kid, comics were all I thought about. There was no better time in my day than when I was finished all my crap schoolwork and was able to turn my attention to the Fantastic Four, Spider-Man or Batman

I was a child of DC but soon I was just as vested in Marvel as I was in DC. I remember when Kirby left Marvel to do the Fourth World books at DC. That to me at the time was as big a deal as Obama becoming the first black President is now.

Really.

Kirby coming to DC was Huge. I’ll never forget when I got my first issue of the Forever People and saw Kirby’s Here on the cover.

Comics golden age for me was the second silver age. That second silver age was Walt Simonson’s Thor, Howard Chaykin’s American Flagg!, Frank Miller’s Daredevil, Marvel’s Secret Wars, The Killing Joke, the Dark Knight, The Watchmen and about another dozen or so titles.

I freely admit that I’m biased in my thinking about comics and what’s important and what’s not. I also freely admit that I have no right nor do have any influence over what you may think.

But…

In my day I think comics were better than they are today.

That’s my opinion and I’m welcome to it but consider the following before you dismiss me, are you tired of new universes and new number ones?

In my day a number one was the Holy Grail of the comic book world.

Now?

New number ones are as common as a new Kardashian lover and just as relevant.

While I’m on the subject, Kim Kardashian has no talent and contributes nothing to the world, yet millions of people hang on her every stupid move.  Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for her milking America for millions of dollars when she has no value whatsoever.

That’s not a joke, I respect anyone who can figure out a way to milk millions from people with absolutely no talent or value. Again I’m not kidding I respect that kind of moxey.

But…

Come the (bad word here) on, what does she or her family contribute except some of them have really nice tits? Oh and yes, I’d hit that but that’s beside the point. She and her family really have no significance in the real world.

Comics on the other hand do have significance in the real world.

How so you ask?

A hundred years from now Superman will still be relevant. Kim? She may not be relevant in two years. I know this for sure because America has a way of waking up to bullshit. It may take a moment but soon perhaps very soon the country and world will see that the Emperor (Empress?) has no clothes.

How do I know this for sure? Two words: Paris Hilton.

But I digress (thinking about you, Peter). I maintain that the comics in my day were better than the comics today and what follows are my admittedly flawed arguments.

When ever a comic universe goes to a new number one that erases the vast history of what was gone before. It’s a ‘do over’ and a ‘screw you’ to fans that loved the universe at the same time. When Marvel did Secret Wars and DC did Crisis those were really massive events but they were not do overs or a screw you to fans. Those were events that changed the universe not events that discarded the universe.

They were also the kind of events you talked about for years because they really were events.

Now an event is talked about until the next event, two, three weeks later.

B L A M!! R I M S H O T !! I’m here all week! Try the veal! Herman Cain, try the watermelon!

When Marv Wolfman killed Barry Allen (something to this day I have not forgiven him for) I felt that lost. When Stan Lee killed Gwen Stacy I felt I had lost a girlfriend. Now these sort of deaths are commonplace and it my humble opinion it’s because of Superman.

When Superman “died” no one and I mean no one in the comic book world thought for a second he was really dead. The only people who thought he was really dead were the suckers who brought 50 copies thinking one day they would be worth millions.

BAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

If you can kill the most important superhero in the history of the industry then everything and I mean everything is fair game.

But…

That fair game seems to be monthly now. When DC killed Superman it, at the time, was a bold move designed to boost the icon’s lagging sales. Now characters dying, coming out of the closet, going over to the dark side, etc. is no longer an event it’s as common as the Cubs not making the World Series. The Cubs suck; that’s why they don’t make the series. Comic book creators don’t suck; comic book creators are better than the bullshit event like Archie kissing a black girl.

What the heck was that anyway? Archie Andrews pulling a black girl? Talk about imaginary stories.

Yes, I’m quite aware that the audience today is not me. Yes, there are books being done today that quite frankly are works of art and literary genius. Yes, some books today have transcended comics, TV and film and become part of what fuels movements.

But…

Forget all of that. In my day comics were better and that is that.

Bottom line your comics suck and mine don’t.

So there.

WEDNESDAY: Mike Gold Babbles On and On…

 

Michael Davis: Dark Saturday Knight

Davis Art 130108I finally watched The Dark Knight Rises last Saturday.

Just a short recap: personal demons of mine kept me from seeing the film when it opened because of the shootings that happened during an opening night screening.

The first day the film came to Blu-Ray I brought a copy and planed a Dark Knight Rises night, complete with all the man cave fixings. That week another mass shooting happened and again I put the film on hold. Then Sandy Hook happened and again I put the film on hold.

I freely admit that I’m a pussy when it comes to confronting my own demons. I also freely admit that because of those demons I’ve made stupid decisions and reacted quickly instead of smartly.

Comics, animation, video games and the like take up a great deal of my time and my life, but they are not all my time or all my life.

I was not ready to see The Dark Knight Rises and waited until I was.

The film was, in a word, great.

I don’t regret waiting I don’t regret not seeing it on the big screen because the film was so badass I could have watched it on an iPhone and loved it.

On another note…

Dwayne McDuffie was a dear friend and creative partner of mine. I have yet to watch All-Star Superman, written by Dwayne, which debuted around the time of his death. I’m just not ready. But it sure is something to look forward to.

WEDNESDAY MORNING: Mike Gold Laughs!

 

Michael Davis: The Wrong Stuff

Davis Art 130101A few days ago I received an email from my friend John Jennings. John is a fantastic artist and teacher and I’ve known him for a lot of years.

I was not happy with what John had to say and let him know it. What John wrote me was a pretty detailed accounting of why some in the black comic arts community were not happy with the following line from the gallery show I’m curating for the Geppi Entertainment Museum called Milestones: African Americans in Comics. Pop Culture and Beyond.

“Up until now there has been no serious attempt to showcase African-Americans in the world of comic books, and the impact of their creative excellence, which has been a mainstay of the industry for as long as comics have been an American art form.”

Man, I went (as we say in the hood) Negro when I read that that line in the press release offended some people.

My response to John was in affect, how dare these mofo’s (white people, ask someone what that means, oh wait it’s New Years Day and you are all hung over so I’ll just tell you, motherfuckers. It means “motherfuckers”) be offended??

The reason why they were offended is because that line from the press release gives the impression that Milestones is the first exhibit of its kind. I must say, I’ve written some great kiss my ass letters in the past, but the one I wrote about those people who were “offended” was so good I thought about using it for a ComicMix article.

Before I could do that, John wrote a response that pretty much put be on blast (white people, ask someone what that means…oh I forgot New Years Day, hung over, OK “blast” in this instance means you call someone on their shit. Damn! I keep forgetting, New Year, hung over…’calling someone on their shit means you dismantle their argument), John called me on my shit.

John was right.

Milestones is the latest in a line of exhibits that feature black comic book art and artists.

I’m going to give John a forum to break down what has gone before in the Black Comic Space in a guest column here (something he’s just learning right now) as no one is better equipped than John to do so.

Those who know me are well aware that when I’m wrong, I say it.

I was wrong.

I also intend to acknowledge what has come before in any future press releases, interviews, etc. I think letting the millions of people that read me on ComicMix is a good start but I can do more and I will.

I’m excited about the show, I’m excited that Tatiana El-Khouri is co-curator, John is lending his considerable expertise and talent to the exhibition and Obama beat the living shit out of Romney.

That I was right about, was I not?

On a somber note, Peter David had a stroke the other day and all I can think of is how much I love that guy. Peter is not just a friend, he’s not just a great writer, he’s a really great guy.

Get well Peter and do it fast. We all love you dude.

Happy New Year, everyone.

WEDNESDAY: Mike Gold

 

Michael Davis: The Dark Knight Will Rise, I Just Don’t Know When

I wanted to see The Dark Knight Rises as much as I’d wanted to see any movie. When the film opened, I decided not to see it: the mass shooting that occurred during an opening night screening of the movie screwed me up but good.

I was not being noble trying to make a stand for the victims or against the gunman. As much as I’d like to see the gunman gutted like a fish and left to die a painful slow death on national television and my heart did and does go out to the victims and their families, my refusal to see the film was because of personal events in my life which in my head I link to the mass shootings and then link that to The Dark Knight Rises.

Watching that movie after the shooting would have been much too painful it would had been near impossible for me to separate the incident from personal recollections of a tragic event. There is just something about the way my mind works and how I connect incidences to each other that seldom even makes sense to me so I know some people think my thought process is just bizarre.

Those people can kiss my ass, it’s my head, stay the hell out of it.

As the months went by I felt more and more confidant that I was ready to see it. Waiting for it to be available on home video soon became as unbearable as waiting for the movie to open.

The day the Blu-Ray went on sale I was at my neighborhood Target when they opened at 8:00 am just so I could have it in my greedy little hands, even though I was not going to watch the movie that day.

No, I was planning a decadent movie night. Bad food, tequila, 80 inch big screen, Bose sound system cranked up so loud my neighbors call the police and when they show up I wouldn’t hear them.

Friday night December 14th was my big night with the Bat.

Friday morning December 14th a crazed gunman killed 20 kids and six adults at an elementary school in Connecticut.

Once again my heart goes out to the victims and their families. Once again I will have to wait for The Dark Knight to rise.

WEDNESDAY: Mike Gold

 

Michael Davis: Karen Berger

I met Karen Berger around 20 years ago when Vertigo first became a DC Comics imprint. I was 5… heh. At the time I was doing work for Piranha Press, another DC imprint, which started around the same time as Vertigo.

From her start at DC, Karen was a no nonsense yet kind editor. What that means is if she did not hire you she let you down with the knowledge that you could come back.  Soon after Karen began her reign at Vertigo it became clear that you may have been welcomed back but if you sucked going back would just be a waste of everybody’s time especially Karen’s because if you sucked you would never ever work for Vertigo.

Now that did that mean just because you were a brilliant artist or writer your project would get a green light at Vertigo. Talent was just one of the factors Karen used to chose project. I pitched a project to Vertigo and Karen passed.

Hopefully it was because the project lacked something not because I sucked. Although when I saw Karen after the rejection she pretended to faint. The next time I saw her she pretended to have a heart attack and after that amnesia and so forth and on.

Karen, in my opinion is the last of the great comic book editors. That’s not to say there are not great comic book editors but Karen had a vision that was unique and her books wore that stamp.

Karen leaving Vertigo is one of the dumbest moves DC could allow. If she decided she wanted a change and I ran DC I would have told her to do whatever she wanted but just do it at DC. I like and respect Diane Nelson and I don’t know the particulars of why Karen is leaving so maybe dumb is the wrong word so I’ll say in my opinion it’s dumb to me.

Letting one of the most talented and original voices in the history of comics go is to me is just plain dumb. But for all I know Diane tried to talk Karen into staying but Karen faked a heart attack in the middle of the meeting.

Well, DC’s lost is someone else’s huge gain.

I can’t wait to see where she ends up. The moment I do I’m calling her using a fake name so she won’t have to fake amnesia. J

WEDNESDAY: Mike Gold

 

Michael Davis: The Next Level

So there I was playing Battlefield 3 on my PlayStation 3 like the addicted gamer I am. Yes, gentle reader, this middle aged (I’ll be 26 in April…what?) is a serious no joke gamer.

You name the system I have it and it’s hooked up to my big screen in my living room. In fact, except for my office where I write this and my bathrooms, I have a gaming system in every room in my house.

I love video games.

At any given moment I’m playing four games at one time. One on the PS3, one on the X-Box 360 another on the Wii and yet another on an old you-never-heard-of system called a 3DO. Shit, sometimes I even break out the Dreamcast! If you don’t know what a Dreamcast is then you are way to young or way to jaded to continue to read this particular rant.

To this day I think Dreamcast is the greatest game system ever but then again I think telling a woman she does look fat in that dress is a good move, so what do I know? Like I said, there I was playing Battlefield 3 on my PlayStation 3 like the addicted gamer I am until I get to a level and no matter what the heck I do I can’t get pass this level. So when stuck like this what do I do?

I cheat. Duh.

Every major game release, of which the Battlefield franchise is one, has a strategy guide that costs a pretty penny and all I need do is consult said guide and I’m on my way to the next level.

What a waste of money.

I’m sure there are a zillion reasons to pay a grip for the strategy guide but the only reason I can see is to show me how to get pass a level I’m having an issue with. Anything other than that is a waste of my time and my money.

Why is the strategy guide a waste of money if it can help you get pass an impossible level?  Because real gamers don’t use strategy guides…they get the information free on the net. I freely admit I may be additive to gaming but I’m no where near as good as some people so I need help every now and then. Most hard-core gamers measure success in hours, as in how many hours it takes them to finish or “beat” a game.

Not me.

It can take me weeks sometimes months to finish a game. In some cases I never finish a game. I just leave it until I can come back to it and figure it out. So, no, I don’t use the net to resolve every single road block I come across but I’m not a fan of  “puzzles” as in figure some shit out instead of shooting somebody to get to the next level.

I only resort to the net when something strikes me as so dumb (making me even dumber because I can’t figure it out) I no longer want to deal with it. That moment came in Battlefield 3 in a level called ‘ a rock and a hard place.’

I get to the part in this level where a Russian jet is tearing me and my team’s ass apart. To defeat this jet I have to find a stinger missile launcher and take it down. I find where the stinger is but there is no stinger and after about an hour of trying to equip the words that say stinger missile (only the word is there; the missile is nowhere to be seen). I’m pissed as shit so I go on the net to see what simple thing I’m missing.

The walkthrough on the net is simple enough, in fact I did every single thing it says to do on the walkthrough but I still cannot equip the stinger.

Do you know why I can’t pick up the stinger and blow the Russian jet out of the sky? Because the game has a glitch and no matter what the fuck I do I will never be able to grab that stinger because the game is corrupted, flawed, broken or whatever you deem is the right word for something that does not work in a video game.

I’m beyond pissed when I learn (on line) that this is the issue with the game that I paid $60 goddamn dollars for.

Then it hits me.

This is the reason video games are not doing anywhere near the business in the movie theaters that comics are doing. Except for one franchise, Resident Evil, video games made into movies are woefully lacking the punch at the box office that comics have in the film industry.

Video games have a massive legion of fans but cannot translate those eager thumbs from the controller to pulling out their wallets to buy a couple of movie tickets.  You would think that video game movies would be leading box office sales any and every weekend they debut.

Nope.

Here’s my theory for what’s it’s worth why the video game industry still eats the dust of the comic’s industry when it comes to movies.

At the heart of the video game industries attempt to bridge the movie world is a great big glitch. Much like the glitch in Battlefield 3, which I now have to return to Game Stop and explain to them why it took me months to return the game.

Because it took me months to get to that damn level, Dick Heads…duh.

In a nutshell the video game industry is still a babe in the woods compared to comics. Comic book creators, publishers and even the evil empire that can be publishers have a long relationship with the other evil empire, Hollywood.

Hollywood and the creators of comic book content are at a point now (mostly) where we respect each other and (mostly) that respect results in movies like The Dark Knight.

Hollywood does not really respect the video game industry yet that’s why you get movies like Max Payne.

Great game franchise, movie not so much. Truth be told, I really liked that movie but then again I love the Max Payne games and I’m sure that accounted for the reason I liked the movie so much. It really tried (at certain points) to do the game justice.

Therein may lay the heart of the video game glitch, again in my opinion, to get a hit in Hollywood you just can’t depend on the fans of the original material. You are not driving a 40-year old woman dragged to see Max Payne by her husband into a video store no matter how bad she may like the movie.

And she won’t like the movie because it will make no sense to her because she has not played the game.

Get it?

To put it another way, I loved the original David Lynch Dune movie. I loved it because I understood it having read the book. My date at the time, a Sunday school teacher, looked at me after the film and asked, “What the fuck was this about?”

Yeah, she was a Sunday school teacher.

Make no mistake, the video game will get it right and then all (except me because I’m Master Of The Universe!) will bow down to what will be the most powerful engine in the movie business. That is going to happen, when I can’t say but it’s going to happen.

Well that’s my two cents. Now I’m off to Game Stop (greatest store ever) to return Battlefield 3. I’m sure they have encountered this before and will have a fix all ready for me.

I wish I could say that about Hollywood and the gaming industry.

WEDNESDAY: Mike Gold

 

Michael Davis: Egg Sandwiches And a Moo

When I started dating seriously, and by seriously I mean dating women with a goal of a relationship, I tried to get every girlfriend to read comics.

Before relationships, my goal was obvious. After achieving that, my secondary goal was getting up and leaving in the middle of the night. That’s if I had a car. If I was taking the subway or bus I’d stay until the morning with hopes of my date making me an egg sandwich.

OK, that’s not true. I didn’t hope for anything. I knew I was getting my egg sandwich. There is nothing a woman finds sexier than a man who makes her moo like a cow and if you can get a women to moo like a cow you can get her to do anything.

I’d say, “Make me a egg sandwich.”

She would respond, “How do you want your eggs?”

Yeah, that’s how I roll.

When I finally grew up and opened my mind to the possibility of something more than a meaningless sexual romp and a egg sandwich, I realized the woman I was with had something to say. When I was in my non-relationship stage all I wanted to hear was “yes.” I would tune out anything else being said until I heard “yes” after I heard it I’d tune out again until I heard mooing.

I remember this girl I fell for – hard. I was really into her and felt that I could share with her like she was sharing with me. One fateful night after she made me moo I told her I wanted her to read some comics I thought she would like.

That was the day the mooing stopped.

Long story short, every woman and I mean every woman I have ever really wanted to know me I’ve tried to get to read comics. All of them except for one declined. Some were nice about it some were down right insulted that I would think they would read some kid shit like comics.

One woman I met and fell in love with tried the books I gave her. She fell in love with Love and Rockets, Watchmen and quite a few other titles.

What happened to that woman?

I married her.

Every woman except her I tried to get into comics said no. Eventually that relationship ended. The one woman who embraced the medium became my wife.

I often wonder why comics are still considered childish among many women today, especially in a world where comics are responsible for some of the biggest films on the planet as well as being accepted as art more and more.

I took to heart being married to a woman who realized that comics are also a viable adult entertainment medium. She knew a good thing when she saw or in this case read it. She was hesitant but agreed to try reading some and was glad she did, all the others didn’t even try.

Yep. I got her into comics and you know what she did?

She left me.

Coincidence? Most likely, but after my divorce I noticed I was spending less time trying to get women into comics and more time writing egg sandwich recipes.

Moo.

WEDNESDAY: The Mike Gold Who Walks!