I’m not kidding.
I’ll say it again. I’m not Michael Davis.
Once more, I’m Not Michael Davis and I’m getting pretty tired of people thinking I am.
Allow me to explain…
Some years back I received a call from news outlets asking for my response to Tom Cruise’s winning of a lawsuit.
For those of you who may not know this, I’m the last person who gives a darn about what any celebrity does. Unless I know the celebrity personally and I know quite a few, I just don’t care and it’s not worth my time. If it happens to be someone I know I still don’t give a hoot unless it’s wonderful or horrible news.
Wonderful, like Wayne Brady being nominated for an Oscar or horrible like Bill Duke voting for Herman Cain. That sort of thing I would care about because those are friends of mine and I’d like to share in Wayne’s happiness and Bill’s drug intervention.
Do I care what Wayne has to say after being caught by TMZ coming out of Starbucks?
Errr, hell to the no.
People who care about every little thing a Hollywood star does are, in my book, idiots.
“Is Paris writing you a check? Is Britney checking out your blog? If you died of a drug overdose would Kim keep an all night candlelit vigil at your freakin house?”
The above is pretty much my response when people try and bring me into a conversation about some well know person who would not know me if I stalked them.
I say “pretty much” because “freakin” is not the word I would use. I’m really trying to cut down on my swearing.
A guy told me the other day that my swearing while speaking at the Hollywood Black Film Festival was “ghetto.”
And you know what? That bitch was fucking right.
The fact that he was in the audience to see me is ample reason for me to stop being me.
Note to self: Tell Stevie Wonder that being blind thing of his is ‘ghetto.’
Oh-if you ever have a chance to attend The Hollywood Black Film Festival you should go. It’s great. Yes, they let in white people.
But (sorry peter) I digress.
I told the reporter that I was really flattered (and I was) that they wanted my opinion but that I had no opinion on the Tom Cruise lawsuit win and in fact had no idea what the lawsuit was about.
Remember this was a serious news outlet and I was not going to give them my standard “Why the FUC…FREAK should I care? Is Tom Cruise writing me a check? Is he checking out my blog? If I died tonight of a hot threesome with two Asian girls (I say no to drugs), would Tom Cruise hold an all night vigil at my house?”
I was in a hurry so I politely got off the phone and went back to my dates, Katsumi and Asuka.
Not twenty minutes later while deciding between scented or unscented baby oil, my phone rung again and lo and behold it was another news outlet call. Let me be very clear: it was a different news outlet. The first call was from a TV news reporter and the second was a journalist from a serious newspaper. My mother did not raise any fuc…darn idiots so I listened to this guy and realized why I was getting these calls.
It turned out that Tom Cruise had won a $10,000,000 lawsuit against (you guessed it) Michael Davis. Michael Davis claimed he had a videotape of Tom getting busy with another guy. I explained to the guy that I was not that Michael Davis. We both had a good laugh and I hung up the phone.
By the way, all this really happened. All I’ve done is change the names of my dates. O.K… technically, one was my date and the other was her hot friend who came to dinner with us. In the man rulebook that makes them both my dates.
So I share the story with Katsumi and Asuka who both get a big laugh about it and Katsumi (my official date) and Asuka (her hot friend) begin to tease me about being gay and say I have to prove I’m not…
The next day…what?
What happened? Nothing that affects the story so I’ll just move on…
The next day at some goddamn…oh, sorry, some gosh darn unholy hour in the morning I get another call from a different news outlet and I just hang the fuc… fish up.
The asshol…the inconsiderate reporter who I had just hung up on calls me back. I scream into the phone, “I’m Not That Michael Davis” and hang up. He calls back…
Now I’m really pissed.
Yes! But I’m Not That Michael Davis!!!
Sir, this is not going to go away I’d like to give you a chance to tell your side of the story.
I’m not that Michael Davis! I work in comics!
Is that how you want to play it? O.K, I’m a comic book fan. What comics have you done? Tell me that and I’ll leave you alone.
L I G H T B U L B ! I say nothing. I just let the question sit there.
Who’s Stan Lee, Michael?
I say nothing, let another long moment pass and then I say…
You won’t edit me so I look like an utter fool?
No. I’ll paint you in the best possible light.
Tom was here last night. In fact he left his wallet and one of the Polaroid’s.
You have his wallet and a photo? What’s the photo of?
You (slow sing-song voice) know…
Can I come out and talk to you?
I told him sure and set up to meet him at Jerry’s Deli, a popular but not nearly as New York deli as people in L.A. think it is.
I don’t go and about an hour after I was supposed to meet him I get a call asking how much later would I be, I told him I’d be right there. I never showed up and he never called back. I assumed that was the time when his fact checkers discovered I was not that Michael Davis.
Yesterday, I get an email from one of the biggest agencies in Hollywood. I’ve been represented by two of the biggest agencies in Hollywood and every so often some agent at another of the biggest agencies in Hollywood tries to recruit me.
Yeah, it boggles my mind also. Hollywood. What a bunch of morons.
So getting an email from a huge Hollywood agency is not new to me. This email was a dream come true. It was about a movie deal.
I’m written TV. I’ve written books. I’ve written comic books. I’ve written for magazines. I’ve illustrated books, comics, magazines, etc.
I’ve hosted my own syndicated radio show. I’ve designed toys (out in Feb 2012; plug) I’m on the net. I’ve even designed stage sets for big name music artists.
I’m my own “King of all Media” just like my hero, Howard Stern.
I’ve never had a movie deal.
I’ve sold a screenplay but that as they say is that.
Everyone who works in comics wants a movie deal. I don’t care who they are, they want a movie deal.
I really want a movie deal. I want to see my work on the big screen. I don’t care if it’s a huge hit or a dismal failure, either way I’m golden.
If it’s a hit then I have a hit movie. If it’s a dismal failure then Hollywood fuc… fowled up my creation. It’s a win win!
My dream had come to pass! This huge hollywood agency was emailing me to tell me that I was going to direct my movie!!
Wait a sec…what movie? Wait another sec, me direct? A movie? I’ve got as much chance of directing a film as Herman Cain has of becoming black.
Not going to happen.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve directed hundreds of films. In fact Katsumi and Asuka starred in a one called “Two minutes and finished.”
It was a thriller.
So I am a movie director (my medium is video…sometimes hidden video) but as good as I am there is no way anyone is going to let ME direct a big Hollywood movie.
Then it dawned on me. I’m not that Michael Davis. I’d had meetings with the big Hollywood agency from which the email was sent and they must have gotten me mixed up with the Shoot Em Up director.
So, no movie deal for me. ;-(
It was an honest mistake. These things happen. The agent who sent me the email was quite nice when we met and perhaps one day this will be the agency that does do my movie deal which I know is going to happen!
You doubt me? Don’t. The world is littered with many who have doubted what I can do. Like my illustration teacher at Pratt who years ago told me in front of the entire class that as good an artist as I was I’d still never amount to anything because of my personality.
Less than ten years later I reminded him of that little fact when he tried to submit his work to Motown Animation and Filmworks where I just happened to be President and CEO.
I love that story.
Hey Gerry, how you living? I’m good! We should have lunch! I’ll pay. Call me! If you don’t get me at my home in NYC call my home in L.A. Yes, you can call collect!
I tend to hold grudges against people who are dream killers. And no, I’m not working on that. I’m keeping that personality trait.
Just to recap, when it comes to Tom Cruise, gay porn and mega movies deals I’m not Michael Davis. Like I said, these things happen and unless you are a complete idiot and refuse to believe I did not claim I had Tom Cruise on tape having a nude swordfight without any swords I will continue to laugh these things off. Hey, at least for a few seconds I knew how it felt to get a big Hollywood movie deal!
It’s good to laugh!
Now if a huge check shows up from a major movie studio and it’s the director’s fee from the next big budget Michael Davis movie I’m going to laugh at that also, all the way to the fucking bank!
Fuck that guy from The Hollywood Black Film Festival. I am THAT Michael Davis.
WEDNESDAY: I Am Not Mike Gold