MIKE GOLD: Movie Theaters Suck
I’ve said it before, and I can’t say it enough: John Ostrander is my oldest friend and a virtual brother. We grew up as Northsiders in Chicago, as Cubs fans and as comics fans, and we believe that politics is a more interesting version of cage wrestling. I’d take a bullet for the guy, I’d pull it out of my ample gut, put it on a chain and give it to him. I’d leave it to John to wash it off.
In this space last Sunday, John explained why he loves going to movie theaters. I agree with his points; I think I agree with each and every one of them. But we differ in the conclusion.
Movie theaters suck. They are stupidly expensive. They are a drive to a long parking lot. For the price of a mid-sized carton of popcorn at the multiplex, you can make enough of the stuff to feed most of East Asia. At least one asshole (someday me) is going to forget to turn his cell phone off. Other assholes are going to be texting like a crackhead chicken playing tic-tac-toe on a hotplate. Because they have to pay so much to get into the joint, half the audience thinks they can abandon the concepts of common decency and babble like a crackhead chicken playing tic-tac-toe on a hotplate.
By the way, that’s not necessarily the teenaged and young adult half of the audience. I’ve had to tell yentas old enough to be my grandmother to shut the hell up, even resorting to whispering to one “shut up and learn some fucking manners!”
Oh, yeah. Did I mention the commercials? Commercials?? Really? Commercials? That’s just an insult. I don’t care if it reduces the already outlandish ticket price. That’s like selling a bag of shit for only $12.00.
But it’s the other part of John’s argument that I wish to address.
Last year, our ancient 35” cathode ray tube died. Soul daughter Adriane and I immediately performed CPR, to no avail. After sitting in stunned silence for a while, I mentioned I had planned on this happening eventually. The very next morning – no time to sit shiva – we went out and bought a 55” LED HDTV, 240 mHz, with Wi-Fi. Later on we enhanced the sound system and still later found a Blu-Ray player in a box of Post Toasties. Combined, the whole operation cost less than the 35” CRT it replaced – and I’m not even talking constant dollars. For the price of two-dozen movie theater outings, we can conquer Hollywood.
Nonetheless, Adriane asked why I was insistent on getting a 55” screen. I said that when she’s 60, she’ll understand. I also warned her I’ll be moving the couch a couple inches closer to the screen each year.
It is not the same as seeing a movie in a real theater… but it’s damn close, particularly on Blu-Ray. If there’s somebody babbling at the screen, chances are it’s me and I am exceptionally entertaining. The popcorn is better and comparatively free of charge. If my cellphone rings, I turn it off. There’s no driving involved. I don’t even have to get dressed – sometimes.
And there are no commercials.
Different strokes for different folks, and I’m not knocking John’s choice. I’m sure the theaters in the Flint Michigan area are less expensive than they are in the New York metro area. Still, John and I grew up going to many (if not all) of the same, glorious movie palaces that were often better than the movies they showed. If I had a chance to do that again, I’d do it in a heartbeat. And I haven’t sworn off going to the movies, but these days it’s a rare event involving a large group of friends, an impulse choice, or a multiplex in the middle of nowhere but within a short drive of whatever motel I’m staying at off an Interstate.
But I’ll try to go to a matinee.
THURSDAY: Dennis O’Neil
I can completely understand all of your issues with going out to a theater and to be honest I feel the same way regarding each point. The only reason I (and I truely hope others) feel compelled to see movies when they hit theaters is the need to see the story. It’s the same reason I can’t ever wait for a trade over the month issues, some stories I just need to see what happens as quickly as possible. If that means getting a glint from the jerk texts from the front row of the theater or turning around and giving an annoyed look to the parents of the kids who keep talking so be it. Until I can get my own 55″ screen.
This is why I only go to the theater the very first showing of the day or sometime during the last week of a movie’s run.
The only exceptions I can think of in recent years were Cowboys & Aliens, when I had free passes for opening night (the screenwriter is from my city), and the newest adaptation of True Grit, which I could not possibly wait 6 weeks to see.
For me, it’s aggravating when people bring their toddlers into an R-rated movie. I’m not paying $11, plus the train fare back home, so I can hear some kids crying.
Too many are treating the movie theaters like it’s their living room. When I do go to the movies (3 or 4 times a year is actually a bit much for me nowadays) I try not to go opening weekend and try to pick a time that would have less people attending.
There are some small indie movie theaters near me, which came in handy when I saw “The King’s Speech” last year and “The Artist” this year, but the big blockbusters at the larger theaters usually bring too many of the jerks and I’d rather hold off so I can actually hear what’s going on.
I should add a personal exception. In the case of movies such as, oh, say, The Aristocrats or The Devils or The Exorcist, I’ll go to the theater to enjoy the audience reaction.
I pretty much agree. The last two times I went to the movies were very different things. When I went to see Thor in 2D (with captioning on the film) there was a litany of complaints about it during the movie. The friends I went with knew I was hearing impaired and that I forgot to pack spare batteries so we chose to go to that screen instead of the 3D one ten minutes earlier. It was loud enough that even if my power supply went out I don’t think it would have been a problem.
The Muppets on the other hand– the audience- about 80 percent children was a different story. Everyone was well behaved and really seemed to enjoy the film. What does that tell you? 1) An audience of most 3-9 year olds is better behaved than a group of people 10-35 year olds. 2) Singing chickens will make a three year old accidentally spit Sprite from his nose.
Which is fine– because I had almost the same reaction to Sarah Silverman in The Aristocrats. Only I had a cherry Icee. That’s a lot more painful.
There was no comment made of the adult-only theaters (and I don’t mean X-rated) that have popped up in the last few years.
Have you viewed at an iPic theater? Not only can you reserve your ACTUAL SEAT in advance (unlike fandango, which merely gets you IN the theater), the waiting area is fantastic-if you arrive early enough, a waitstaff brings a menu and takes drink orders–omg: alcohol in a movie theater!
Then a concierge gets you to your seat-and what a seat! It’s like enjoying my la-z-boy at home. Need additional food/dessert/popcorn/beer/wine etc.? Press the button and you can order even during the film.
Just be careful of some nimrod removing his shoes next to you and having bad footodor. Plus, although the sound system is exceptional, conversations taking place nearby can still be annoying.
The other alternative (similar to iPic although seating is not as comfortable) is one of the Hollywood theaters in Woodridge or Naperville…obviously run by someone who LOVES the cinema…met Peter Fonda and Christopher Lloyd during a celebrity event showing of Easy Rider and Back To The Future.
Haven’t beein to an iPic, but as I noted there’s a lotta adults who act like children in a movie theater.
My wife and I were getting sick the the megaplex experience (not to mention their prices) so we sought out an indie theater. Man alive I’m glad we did. We live in Toronto, we like to get out of the house and enjoy a dinner and a movie (home systems while great keep you stuck at home). We found a local cinema with reasonable prices, cheaper concessions and more to see besides.
When we went to see the new Sherlock Holmes there was a piano player in the lobby as well as a local art and sculpture exhibit. Painted murals adorned the walls featuring cinematic moments and movie stars/characters. The employees seemed genuinely happy to be there, they were joking with patrons and chatting amicably. The screens were smaller then a megaplex sure (still bigger then a TV of any size) but the sound system was up to date and the setting was very much one of comfort and relaxation. After the showing we knew this would be the only cinema we were going to for the foreseeable future.
The next movie we saw was Tin Tin and this time they had a talking parrot and snake handler in the lobby…how cool is that? The audience in both showing were very respectful (Canadians CAN be rude for your information) with parents who brought kids to Tin Tin whispering to them to keep their voices down and no cell action that I could detect. Good theaters are out there, if I found one in Toronto I’m sure New York will have one with good experiences as well.
To my experience, which is considerable but sadly not within the past four or five years, Toronto is a fantastic city for movie fans. Outside of one of the earliest, biggest and most hideous megaplexes (on the north side of the Eaton Center at Yonge Street and Dundas), terrific theaters abound with polite, considerate and attentive customers.
I still love going to the movies. What I hate are the megaplexes that squeeze 3 zillion movies into a building that used to hold just one.
Mindy
Yup. Welcome to the 21st Century. It started about 35 years ago, but still… You want to see a new movie, you gotta go to a monsterplex.