I Got Nothing... by Michael Davis

Fri May 9, 2008 — by Michael Davis

I Got Nothing... by Michael Davis

Straight No Chaser #65

My mind is a blank. I can’t think of anything to write about. I read a bunch of comics and I came back with zip. I watched the news and was left with nada. I’m in the middle of a few great projects but don’t want to write about them yet.

Wow…writer’s block. I have never been at a lost for something to say or better yet to rant about.

This sucks.

Come on Davis. THINK, THINK, THINK!!

Nothing. I got nothing.

I know, I’ll make a list. That always sparks my imagination. Let’s see now, I can’t do a best dressed list or most sexy list. I have to do something that’s classy. I have to do something that shows that I am above the petty stupid lists that Hollywood produces.

Got it!

10 people I would like to pimp slap.

1. Paris Hilton

2. Kim Kardashian

3. Lindsay Lohan

4. Jeremiah Wright

5. The Real World Creator

6. Amy Winehouse

7. Charles Manson

8. Rush Limbaugh

9. Dr. Laura

10. Naomi Campbell

Damn. Still nothing. I am really barren today. What else can I do to spark my imagination?

I got nothing.

I’ll try another list.

10 Things I do when no one is looking.

1. Pray

2. Watch Lifetime TV

3. Eat Quiche

4. Watch chick flicks

5. Blame the white man

6. Nap

7. Read poetry

8. Milk bath

9. Watch Fox News

10. Play with myself…video games, you sick puppy.

AGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!

I got nothing.

I’ll try another list.

Things or people that make me laugh.

1. Republicans

2. Bad movies

3. 70’s Porn

4. Stupid TV commercials

5. My mom

6. Denys Cowan

7. Kevin Eastman

8. Kat Williams

9. White people dancing

10. Black people skiing

HELP ME!! I’m so blocked today!

Maybe this list will help.

Lies I have told to girls when I was in college.

1. You don’t look fat in that dress.

2. This has never happened to me before.

3. Yeah, Laquita, I only date black women.

4. I’ll call you.

5. Will I respect you in the morning? Hell I don’t respect you now. I mean yeah, sure.

6. You’re not so ugly, I’m gay.

7. I lost your number.

8. Sure I remember you.

9. Oh sure, hiking will be much more fun than sex.

10. You like him not me? Well he just got out of prison.

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10…12345678910! AGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

This is my last list! If this doesn’t spark my imagination I’m done.

What I would do if I ran Marvel.

1. Kill Spider-Man

2. Kill The Fantastic Four

3. Kill Thor

4. Kill The Hulk

5. Bring back Spider-Man

6. Bring back The Fantastic Four

7. Bring back Thor

8. Bring back The Hulk

9. Buy more Marvel stock

10. Cash the check.

That’s it. I’m done. Nothing worked. I got nothing.

Sorry. I’ll try and do better next week. Hey, look at Tatiana’s art, at least that’s good.

ComicMix columnist and Hollywood mogul Michael Davis likes being upstaged by Tatiana.

Jump to comments (5)

Comments (5)

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Adriane Nash (12:53 PM on Fri May 9, 2008)

I believe the Real World creator is dead.

Glenn Hauman (1:39 PM on Fri May 9, 2008)

Michael would dig him up, pimp slap him, and leave his body for the network executives.

Adriane Nash (1:41 PM on Fri May 9, 2008)

Actually it was a her, but I believe she was survived by her co-producer/husband and bitch-slapping him won't involve a dirty exhumation

Carmen (1:01 PM on Fri May 9, 2008)

Michael, even when you are supposedly not trying to be funny You Are. I look forward to your weekly comments on your life experiences. Thanks for the laughs I agree with so many things on your list-love lifetime, can't stand Paris & the Kardashians. I could add my own list (lightbulb moment) maybe that should be your next column other peoples love/hate list. As usual the art is beautiful.

Carmen (1:07 PM on Fri May 9, 2008)

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Fri May 9, 2008 — by Michael Davis