Breaking: Brett Ratner to Kill ‘Conan’
Brett Ratner has unsheathed his cinematic broadsword to impale the tender teat of the much beloved barbarian, Conan.
Ain’t It Cool News reports that "it appears to be official that Brett Ratner is directing [Conan]." According to the Web site, the film’s scribe Howard McCain (Outlander) "had some big plans for how to structure the film," drawing inspirations from the original Robert Howard stories rather than the John Milius directed Conan the Barbarian.
"I could tell the material was in the right hands," says AICN’s Moriarty of McCain after the two met earlier this year. But with the news of Ratner’s involvement, Moriarty describes his excitement level as falling "through the floor."
"Oh, Brett… why do you want to hurt me? Why do you want to make this movie?" writes Moriarty. "Please, please, please tell me it’s because you have a genuine passion for the material and not just because it’s a start date and a financing package that’s ready to go. Please tell me that you really care about the character and its history, and not that it’s just ‘Hey, I recognize that name.’"
Ratner is also attached to direct God of War, Playboy, Hong Kong Phooey, Beverly Hills Cop, Guitar Hero, Denver the Last Dinosaur, Captain Planet and a remake of X-Men: The Last Stand. Okay, those last three are fake, but let’s get serious for a moment. Brett Ratner directing God of War? Okay, fine. The property hasn’t been around long enough to be seriously offensive. Playboy, Guitar Hero? Screw it, go bananas, video games and sexy women sound right up your alley.
But Conan? Good freaking gravy. It’s bad enough that Ratner’s poised to spread his film feces all over Axel Foley’s face, now we have to watch the director hack away at what should be a truly incredible movie. Honestly, how does Ratner have all this time to ruin our childhood memories? He’s attached to direct six different movies right now. For reemphasis, let’s quote the late Heath Ledger’s Joker: "Six!"
Clearly Ratner has perfected cloning technology. The world will soon be swarming with millions of his Rat-creatures, sucking out man brains like so much fruit punch and repopulating the human race with his genetically mutated army.
Either that, or Ratner’s a Highlander and has been consuming other Highlanders’ powers for centuries, in which case all we need to do is collectively chop off his head. With the unified rage of the fan community, that might not be so hard to pull off.
Feel free to commiserate and plan your battle strategies in the comments field below.