Ah, an election year! It’s time we express our will as Americans! It’s time we hear about all the grand new ideas that our candidates have to offer!
It’s time after seven years of…eh…of…
I’m not sure what the last seven years was about, but it’s time to elect a new President!
As long time readers of this column know, I am a Liberal Democrat. What you most likely don’t know is I should be a Conservative Republican. Yep! I’ll say it again: I should be a Conservative Republican!
I hate big government.
I’m tough on crime.
I believe in a strong military.
I want America to the biggest and strongest MF on the planet.
There are plenty of other reasons why I should be a conservative. The reasons I’m not are few and simple.
Reason #1 I am not a conservative
You cannot regulate morality. In other words, stay out of my bedroom. Conservatives tend to want toregulate what consenting adults do. Why in the FISH is it anyone’s business what I do in MY house? Why should you care? Is this a God thing? Well if it is, then what happened to the separation between Church and State?
What is the issue with all the hate conservatives have towards gay people? What do you care what two CONSENTING adults do in the confines of their home? That is a MORAL issue, not a political issue.
What happened to the separation between Church and State?
Hey, I am not gay, but if two men or two women want to get married they have the right to be just as miserable as other married couples. How on earth is that anyone else’s problem?
What, do conservatives think that gay people being married will affect the fabric of their lives somehow?
The problem with some conservatives is that when they don’t agree with something then it should not be tolerated. I don’t agree with Religious Extremists but they have the right to believe what they will.
Unless these Religious Extremists want to blow something up because of their beliefs. Then I will care. I will care even more if it’s my house they want to blow up. At that point * I will get my gat and throw down. BUT they can rant and rave all they want as long as they do it in their back yard.
*To Mr. And Mrs. Conservative: “get my gat and throw down” means to “Secure a weapon and defend my territory.” Try that out at your next formal tea, it will be swell! **
** To the homies, “Swell” means “Pimp.”
So Mr. Conservative, if one day you are sitting at home and a bunch of gay people break down your door, put a gun to your head and scream at you “BE GAY!” then I will say you have a point to dislike gay people and want to stop their spread of terror.
Has that happened to you? Has that happened to ANYONE??
I’m a Christian and as such I am not supposed to support the gay life style. You know what? I don’t. I don’t care one way or another about the gay lifestyle. I don’t care about the black lifestyle; I don’t care about any lifestyle. I care about the people I meet and how they treat me when I deal with then. Again if this is religious thing then that is different than a political thing so I ask once more…
What happened to the separation between Church and State?
If God has a problem with gay people he will let them know soon enough.
Oh wait a sec, Mr. Conservative don’t you read the bible? I know you do because you bring it up all the time. What about Free Will? Do you have a problem with this little thing that God gave us called FREE WILL? Why is that never your argument when you bring up God?
That means to choose your own path. It does not mean that you, Mr. Conservative can impose your will on ME.
If you have an issue with Free Will, would that not mean you have a problem with God and his decisions? Or do you know better? Or do you simply interpret God’s words to fit your way of life?
Well? I’m waiting.
Let’s assume you don’t have a problem with God if that’s so then STOP trying to regulate morality.
Remember prohibition? There was a great attempt to regulate morality. Yeah, that little exercise just gave us nationally organized crime, that all.
It’s not just gay people with which conservatives seem to take issue. It also seems to be sex itself. Let me ask you this Mr. Conservative, what’s your issue with sex? America loves sex! Is your concern that kids not be exposed to this stuff? Do you not want your kids to see this on TV or on the net?
I get that, and I agree. I really do.
If you don’t want your kids to be exposed to these vices, I have a little suggestion for you…be a parent.
You know you have to be 18 to go into a porn store and on the Internet you have to be 18 to enter a porn site, you have to be 21 to buy alcohol. In fact there are dozens of things that you have to be an adult to participate in. So until these kids are adults they will need their parent.
Those parents who treat their kids like friends and not like children are idiots. These kids grow up thinking they can get away with anything. When I was a kid “Go to your room” meant a bed and a blank wall. Now a days with PS3, X-Box, computers, cell phones and who knows what else your spoiled brat kid has to play with, sending your kid to his or her room is like sending them to Disneyland. You send them into this world A L O N E with access to the Internet with no guidance from you and expect them NOT to do what kids do. What is that? Get into trouble that’s what.
Here’s a tip. If you are concerned about what your kids watch on TV or on the net, then…
Be a freakin’ parent!
I am not responsible for your kids, gay people are not responsible for your kids,
Democrats are not responsible for your kids, porn stars are not responsible for your kids.
Mr. Conservative, I know you have a lot of money. I know your kids go to a good school and you live in a nice home. I know you have morals and standards but they are YOUR morals and standards. Yours not mine, yours not gay people’s, yours not porn stars, yours not liberals. They are your morals and standards. You are not God or a king so stop acting like you are by trying to impose your rule on others.
I know you are against these things and I don’t blame you. That is your right. So why don’t you try this…
Don’t be gay.
Don’t watch porn.
Don’t be Liberal.
Watch your kids.
There, I just solved your problems. I know, I know. I’m a genius.
Reason #2 I am not a conservative
I’m a black man and there is still racism in this country. Some conservatives (black and white) seem to think that affirmative action is a bad thing. They also seem to think that there is no racism left in this country.
Barack Obama is a leading candidate for president. There are still some places in this country where he can’t get a cab or join some country clubs. So, now tell me there is still no racism in this country.
Reason #3 I am not a conservative
We have no right to try and make other countries over in our image. What is up with that? Let people govern the way they want. Democracy is like a fruitcake – not everybody likes it. I hate fruitcake and if you try and make me eat it I will most likely try and shove it down your throat. All we have accomplished by trying to make people think like us is now the USA is universally hated.
Reason #4 I am not a conservative
I like sex.
I told you it was a short list. If it were not for these things I would be a conservative republican. And I still may be! What would it take to get me to come over to the dark side? All conservatives have to do is this:
1.Stay out of my bedroom.
2.Stop denying racism.
3.Let gay people be miserable like other married couples.
4.Stop trying to regulate morality.
5.Take responsibility for their kids.
6.Let me enjoy sex without guilt.
If these things happen then I will gladly join the conservative ranks. What do you say Mr. & Mrs. Conservative, do we have a deal? Tell you what, let’s meet at your country club over tea and talk about it…can you get me in or should I sneak in the back door?
Michael Davis is a comics creator and the founder of the Guardian Line series of comics as well as being a television producer and writer. He was a co-founder of Milestone Comics and his artwork has appeared in Wasteland, Green Arrow: Shado, Green Hornet and The Question, among others.