Author: Marc Alan Fishman

With the Chicago Comics and Entertainment Expo coming soon to the shores of Lake Michigan, it seems that the con has been given it’s first scandal. In a back-and-forth flame war posted yesterday on his message board, Kick-Ass writer Mark Millar got into a little wordy wrestling match, when fans started discussing the film’s upcoming premiere in the Second City.

A board member with the handle “Wanted2Vmt” posted, “Can’t wait to see this film flop at C2E2.  Who’s gonna see it when they can see Gaiman, a real writer, instead?” Mark Millar, known well for his Scottish rage, was quick to fire back, inciting a war of words with his would-be fans.

“There’s not a way Kick-Ass won’t take over the con in Chicago. Gaiman is a sissy fairy who writes for emo-goths anyways. Let those black boot wearing ninny’s go listen to their goblin king whine about his wee shiters… The rest of the real people will be having their asses kicked by our movie!”

As more fans chimed in, Millar kept firing insults left and right towards those who criticized his work. And when one fan quoted famous Chicago movie critic Roger Ebert’s review of Wanted, it set the Scottsman to a nova-like rage. The quote, “Wanted,… is a film entirely lacking in two organs I always appreciate
in a movie: a heart and a mind. It is mindless, heartless,
preposterous. By the end of the film, we can’t even believe the values
the plot seems to believe, since the plot is deceived right along with
us.”

Minutes later, Millar fired out a salvo of his own:

“First off all, that fat bastard wouldn’t know a good movie if it up and bit him in the goolies. He wrote “Valley of the Dolls” for f#@! sake!” Millar quipped. “And if Ebert can wheel his arse into a theater to see Kick-Ass I promise it’ll knock his jaw clean off!”

Roger Ebert, as shown in his recent Esquire exposé, had bones in his jaw removed due to cancer four years ago. While the cancer has stopped Ebert’s ability to speak, it’s only strengthened his desire to write. And as word traveled fast over the internet, it seemed Mr. Millar’s rants reached the north shore home of Mr. Ebert. Choosing his words wisely, Roger fired back a single post on his own blog close to the end of day:

“It seems without even trying, my mouth and I are at the end of a promised ‘arse kicking’ at the boot of comic book writer Mark Millar. Millar and artist J.G. Jones were the creators of the characters in 2008’s Wanted. Had the writer chosen to actually read my review instead of the pulled quote by one ‘Ben the Obiwomble” … he would have found that I rather liked his creation. Was it mindless? Certainly. But it reveled in it’s mindlessness. Not to jab an angry bear over this matter, but did Millar not think his teflon hide might be scratched a bit for trying to sell his fans on “the Loom of Destiny”? It seems without any reason, Mr. Millar is ready for me to turn a thumb down at his next film before it even comes out. By the looks of the trailers for Kick-Ass, I’m already preparing my suspension of disbelief to super-human like levels, ready to accept pre-teen samurai’s and ski-masked adolescents easily defeating shotgun toting thugs with ease. As far as Mr. Millar’s promise that my surgically removed jaw may be installed once again, if only to be blown off by seeing the film, I simply ask him to take the time to read my entire forthcoming review before firing his words off like so many a curved bullet.”

Millar’s final post of the day was near incomprehensible… demanding something to the effect of  a challenge to Ebert in a round of “Whiskey-Eyes”.