I’m Un-American, by Michael Davis
No, really. I’m sick as in I have or I’m getting the flu, not the I want to smear baby oil and bananas all over an cute Asian girl her while pretending to be Chuck Conners from the old Rifleman TV show so I can here the Asian girl yell, “Chuck me Chuck, CHUCK ME LONG TIME!” kind of sick.
Yeah, I’m sick. I got up at 5 a.m. Monday morning and stayed awake until Wednesday afternoon. Some of that time I spent getting ready for a London trip, trust me you would NOT believe what I spent the rest of the time doing. In any case I’m now very sick and writing this under the influence of some real good drugs, some of which are legal.
Being sick is the only real time I have these days to read any comics. When I’m sick I also daydream. I daydream about the projects I’m doing, I daydream about how cool my studio is, how much fun I’m having writing and drawing the Underground the project I’m doing with Dark Horse. I daydream about The Moors the project I’m developing and writing with Denys Cowan. I daydream about the two books I’m writing about the black experience.
“So, what’s your name?” I asked the pretty Asian girl with the long black hair which flowed like a dark river of lust. She looked at me, those eyes as clear as a bright moon over the sea of love. “I’m Susie Dome.” She said. “It’s pronounced, DO ME.”
Sorry, that’s not a daydream, that really happened. Hey, don’t hate the playa; hate the game fellers, that’s how I roll.
“Michael. Don’t worry it’s in the bag.” Angelina Jolie told me as she sat on my left at the Academy Awards Ceremony. She was caressing my knee trying to calm my nerves. “She’s right.” Penelope Cruz assured me as she sat on my right rubbing and planting small butterfly kisses on my neck. “Sweetheart, you deserve this. It’s yours!” Halle Berry’s voice came from behind me where she was seated. “Have another grape honey.” Halle said as she slid a grape into my mouth. “Thanks guys.” I said between bites of the grape. “I really want this.”
“Ladies and Gentleman, Jack Nicholson!” The announcement was made to thunderous applause. When the cheering stopped Jack spoke. “It’s my honor to announce the nominees for best performance by an actor. Daniel Day Lewis for Keep Hope Alive, the story of Jessie Jackson. Leonardo DiCaprio for High School Musical 4, the new war on terror. Michael Davis for Everything You Wanted To Know About Black People But Were Afraid To Ask. George Clooney for Yeah, I Did Her 2.” Jack paused for a moment, then said “And the Oscar goes to…”
I closed my eyes. One of the ladies started to rub my thigh, a bit too high. In fact, it was inappropriate for a family show. I opened my eyes to see Tom Cruise leaning back from his seat, which was in front of me, it was his hand on my thigh. “Michael, this is your night buddy.” Tom said with a wink. “I hope so Tom, but I don’t know, Daniel’s role as Jessie Jackson was damn good. Could you take your hand off my thigh?” Tom quickly moved his hand “My bad… call me.”
(Reality note: I don’t think Tom Cruise is gay. In fact I’ve met him and he is COOL as cool can be. Some time ago there was a guy claiming he had slept with Cruise during that time I was getting calls from reporters on the story. The guy’s name was Michael Davis. True.)
“And the Oscar goes to, YES, Michael Davis for Everything You Wanted To Know About Black People But Were Afraid To Ask.”
When I took the stage after the hour and a half standing ovation I was overwhelmed when I said, “I never thought I would be asked to play the role of every black person in the world when I woke the book. I thought that Daniel would get it. I mean he was my choice. I’m glad I live in a country where my story is possible. I’m glad to be an American…”
I realized that this may never happen to me not because of the seemingly impossible scenario of me playing every single black person in the world but because, according to Michele Bachman, I’m Un-American.
Michele Bachman has called for an investigation to root out people she thinks is Un-American because they do not think like her and her like.
I wonder if this woman has a mirror in her home like Dorian Gray’s? If she did what do you think it would reflect? I think looking out would be the face of Joe McCarthy.
Mrs. Bachman, if you think I’m Un-American because I don’t see things your way I really pity you. My (and yours) right as an American is to follow our American dream. To live free from persecution and fear from doing so. To suggest an “investigation” to those you feel is Un-American is the TEXT BOOK definition of Un-American. That makes YOU Un-American.
What would you do if you found someone who fit the description? How do you suggest we deal with ‘those people?’
I hear that you are in real trouble for those comments and it may cost you the up coming election.
Yeah, I think you are. Here’s a suggestion, pick up a comic book and OH WAIT. NO NEVER MIND!!!!! I WAS WRONG. Don’t pick up a comic book!! There’s nothing to see!!!
In fact all comics are like Archie Comics, just not as hard core.
The last thing you want to do is waste anytime investigating comic books. There’s nothing to regulate. There’s a movie based on a comic coming out called The Watchman is about people waiting for Jesus to come back! It’s swell!
I suggested earlier you may be Un-American. I was wrong. I’m sorry. I just took another look at you on TV trying to explain away your comments. You are not Un-American, you are Un-Attractive. I’m not saying you are ugly, I’m saying your views make you Un-Attractive.
Wait, I’m sorry again. I have an obligation to my readers to be honest. I was afraid that you would take a look at the comics industry and cause us some problems. The truth is in the comics industry we have (according to your standards) some Un-American books.
And since I’m being honest…you are ugly. Butt ugly. The Elephantman would meet you and say “Damn. You ugly.”
She looked at me, her eyes saying everything I needed to hear. But I needed to hear it out loud and so I did “You my daddy…”
Look, I told you I was sick.
I live in Minnesota's 6th District! That's right. My neighbors and I are responsible for Michelle Bachman being in office! I didn't vote for her. But that doesn't make me any less responsible for who and what she represents. She is MY Representative. And I'm ashamed. I think what she represents is a not very smart ultra-conservative. She's never been very smart. She regularly makes statements that have me wincing. She's an attractive dufus with a strong name.Norm Coleman used to be a Democrat, before he became a Republican and W's mouthpiece and lap dog. I'm voting for his opponent, comedian Al Franken. Coleman has run one of the slimiest campaigns I've ever seen. Personally, I don't like Norm Coleman. And Coleman's campaign has actually made me lose respect for him! But at least Coleman's not stupid. Bachman just isn't too bright. She really hasn't apologized for saying that the press ought to do an expose' on Obama and the other UN-American members of congress. She claims that she had NEVER watched "Hardball," before going on the show. She didn't know what kind of show it was. And so she wasn't ready for the TRAP laid out for her by the host, Chris Matthews. Chris Matthews "trap" was to ask Michelle Bachman what she thought about Barack Obama and the other liberal members of Congress. Mathews "trap" was to ask Bachman what she meant by "un-American" and then give her a national forum to look like a dangerous fool.Since Bachman stepped in the steaming pile or her own rhetoric, money has POURED into her opponents campaign, Democrat Elwin Tinklenberg. It's not too late to contribute, Michael! Why couldn't he be named JOHN Tinklenberg or Elwin JONES? I fear sending little "Elwin Tinklenberg" to Congress. The other Congressmen are going to give him swirly tops and steal his lunch money! Still, Elwin has raised more than a million dollars in the last week. This is more money than he had been able to raise in ALL the months of his previous campaign! The National Democratic Party has pledged to pour another MILLION in on his campaign now. And poor Michelle Bachman has been CUT OFF from the National Republican Campaign money. Shut OUT! They don't want to associate themselves with her. Stupid isn't contagious, but the stink of stupid is.I don't know if that will be enough. Bachman, for all her foot-in-mouth politicking, is still VERY popular around here. I would say "Bachman" lawn signs outnumber "TinklyBerg" signs 9 to 1. But there is money and anger on little Elwin's side now. Michelle Bachman has stupidity, and a string of yard signs, featuring a name with stronger consonants and vowels on her side. There is a reason "Marion Michael Morrison" changed his name to "John Wayne" or "Roy Harold Scherer, Jr." became "Rock Hudson." Would "Tinklenberg-Turner Overdrive" ever have had a hit song?Not everyone is blessed with a strong sounding name at birth, like "Russ Rogers," "Michael Davis" or "Christopher Priest."It's an unspoken ISM in the United States, Name-ism. It's related to xenophobia, the fear of foreigners. But we are still allowed to find names "funny sounding." We still make fun of people's names. "Elwin Tinklenberg" is a funny sounding name, especially compared to the stronger, less exotic sounding "Michelle Bachman." I just hope enough voters have paid attention to Bachman's record and the news to realize where their vote needs to be cast. Seriously, I fear an ignorant electorate who will vote for the stronger sounding name. I hope the stench of stupidity still clings to the name "Bachman" come election day!
We live in one of those un-American big city, a place so un-American that terrorists attacked a place just six blocks from where my son was in school. This un-American big city sends far more money in taxes to the Federal government than we receive. This un-American place that birthed the comic book industry, thanks to un-American immigrants, geeks and nerds. Yeah, campaign against us, Ms. Bachman and your co-conspirators. We've faced down tougher than you!
Speaking of places that receive more in Federal Benefits than they pay in Taxes, ALASKA! Alaskans got how much of a kick back from Oil Money? Like $3200 per person! So the with the price of oil through the roof, we were funneling money directly into Alaskans pockets with each fill-up at the pump. And Palin doesn't believe in the redistribution of wealth! Bah! Do Alaskans get the money from Oil Reserves under Federal Reserves too? No wonder Palin is saying, "Drill Baby Drill." Each extra drop of oil pumped out of Alaska means more money being redistributed from YOUR pocket to hers!http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2008-03-2…
I'm the son of a veteran who spent many years at the NSA after his discharge. I'm the grandson of a career Marine who was killed in action in the Pacific in World War II. My mother's ancestors in North America can be traced back to the late 17th or early 18th century. I'm a registered Democrat and consider myself a liberal–as did my father. I've never been out of the U.S., I live near a major city, I work for a living, own my own home and pay my taxes.Michelle Bachman, and anyone else who wants to brand me or people like me as un-American can, in the words of Peter Griffin, kiss the whitest part of my ass.
I could not have said it better myself. Thanks Paul.
"Reality note: I don’t think Tom Cruise is gay. In fact I’ve met him and he is COOL as cool can be."If he was confirmed as being gay, would that suddenly make him "uncool"?
It would most likely make him even more cool, Tyson. Everyone knows that gay people are the coolest.
Feel better soon, Michael! I guess it's just as well we couldn't get together during the time Robin and I have been in L.A. The air circulation on most flights is questionable enough, I wouldn't have wanted to add the flu to that!
You and your….brrr…thoughts. You're just sick, man.There. Somebody had to say it. Freakazoid. ;-0As far as the nutty woman is concerned…her time in the seat's about up I would say. People are tired as heck of all of the lies, distortions, distractions, and divisiveness…and they're putting their money and their votes where they'll do the most good.