I Want To Be Like Mike, by Michael Davis

 

What is cool? 

 

I’ve always thought that each person should gage what he or she thinks is cool. I hate those magazines and television shows that tell you what’s cool or what’s hot and proclaim what they think we mere mortals should follow. Not just follow, but follow blindly. How do we know the person entrusted with that list is not some stupid old fart who still thinks that The Beatles were Paul McCartney’s first back-up band?  This is the person who gets to decide what I will think is cool? For my money that’s the problem with the television and fashion industries. Take an original show like Sex in the City* –that show was bold and funny and deserved the label of cool. 

 

* I must admit I only watched that show when I was trying to impress a girl. I am straight, you know.

 

So what do TV executives do? They green light shows which are pretty much carbon copies of Sex in the City. One is called Lipstick Jungle. The names of the other shows, I can’t think of. Let’s call those other shows Middle Age Girls Gone Wild or Booty Call Diaries or I Can’t keep a man so I have to devote my time to my career because I’m just not that attractive anymore but that’s OK I have my work but I’m ugly. 

 

The hope is that these shows will garner ratings and become cool enough to spawn spin offs and licensing. 

 

Not likely on any of those counts.

 

This “we think this is cool” happens a lot in the fashion industry also. Some “experts” say what they think is cool to wear and hope we will act like sheep and follow along.

 

Bah. Bah, my tight firm ass. Yeah, I work out. It’s the PS3, 360 and Wii ass workout. 

 

But like my friend Peter David, I digress…

 

 

The fashion industry loves to dictate what we think is cool. I loathe the fashion industry. I detest those people like I’m a roach and they are a can of Raid. I hate them like Exxon hates Greenpeace. Like PeTA hates fur coats. Note to PeTA: I gave my mom a fur coat and I’d like to see you throw red paint on a black woman from the hood. Before you do you best notify your next of kin. Or as I like to say… Dead protestor walking.

 

Where was I? Oh yeah, I hate the fashion industry from those “I just ate a sandwich – meet me in the bathroom stall…” models to the designers to those idiots who stand on red carpets critiquing what people wear. This as if we will run out and buy what Nicole Kidman was wearing just because she was wearing it. The sad part is some of us do. Truth be told I would run out and buy what she was wearing, but only if Nicole was still in it.

Bah.

 

No that’s not true. I would not buy the dress if Nicole were still in it. That would be shallow and beneath me. However, if Nicole Kidman was Asian then… SOLD!

 

 

I think that everyone should gage his or her own ‘coolness” factor so here are a few things and people Ithink are cool: 

 

 

Me? I HATE Disneyland. UGH! HATE IT! But I have been there enough to see what it does to kids. Anything that can affect a child like that is very cool. Tatiana, I still think Disneyland sucks but I will admit it’s cool. Too bad the man that created it was a racist dick.

 

 

I met George Clooney on a studio lot where I was writing a TV show. He is the biggest star in the world and he and I talked for 25 minutes like we were boys from way back when. That’s cool. That’s why he is the second coolest person in the world.

 

 

I work in Hollywood where most of the playas drive Mercedes or BMW’s. 

 

 

I drive a Nissan Z. I love those cars. I have owned 10 so far. They are cool and fast. That’s important when you are black in L.A. You never know when L.A.P.D. will do some profiling. 

 

 

Dogs are cool! I mean real dogs, not those toy dogs that people like Paris Hilton carry around. Let me see that little mutt defend you when someone breaks into your home. What good are those furry rats? When someone breaks in they say; “This way to the valuables!”  Now try that in my house with my pit/boxer mix. My dog would say “I’m going to bite you so hard your mother will cease to exist.”  That’s a REAL dog.

 

 

For what these people do they should all get medals, period. 

 

 

The only people who don’t like disco are those who can’t dance. I can. HA!

 

 

For my money I would tie a drunk driver to the hood of a car driven by another drunk driver on a highway that was closed off to everyone but other drunk drivers. Did I mention the highway was on fire and that there would be land mines and their car would have no brakes? M.A.D.D is the next best thing. 

 

With one or two possible exceptions I’m sure that most people will think that my list is cool. I mentioned before that George Clooney was the second coolest person in the world. I know you think that I think I am the coolest but, nope! That honor goes to my boy Michael Stradford.

 

I know a lot of cool people and Mike is the coolest person I know. I met Mike when I was at a bar some 15 years or so ago waiting to meet someone. “Meet” as in a business meeting. Not “meet” like I’m looking to pick up a chick. That said, I started talking to this FOXY chick. She and I were having a great conversation when she turns to me, looks me straight in my eyes and says with this powerful sexy voice “You have to meet my husband.”

 

Great, just freakin’ great.

 

When Mike and I met we became fast friends. That’s hard for me because I’m not the easiest guy to befriend. I know that. People meet me and have one of two reactions. The first: asshole. The second: really cool guy. Trust me, a lot more people think of me as an asshole than a really cool guy. I used to worry about that, but not anymore. Those people who think I’m a asshole can kiss my firm (I work it out) ass.  I have a great life and I know good people. One of those people is Mike Stradford. If Mike thinks I’m cool then I know I must be an OK guy because Mike is the best. Mike has a great job and a great house. He’s a real manly man. 

 

But… 

 

He has a toy collection that rivals mine. He loves comic books and reads regular books like a mad man. Women want him. Men want to be him. He has a voice like a smoother Barry White and he will give you the shirt off his back. I should hate his guts but I love him…in a non-Brokeback way. 

 

What really makes Mike cool is that he is the best friend you can ever have. That is my point about cool. No one can tell you what’s cool. You have to see it, feel it and respect it.  No “expert” can tell you what’s cool. You gage that by how you live and the people you call friends. 

 

If you are lucky enough to have a friend like Mike Stradford, that’s pretty darn cool. 

 

Michael Davis is a comics creator and the founder of the Guardian Line series of comics as well as being a television producer and writer. He was a co-founder of Milestone Comics and his artwork has appeared in Wasteland, Green Arrow: Shado, Green Hornet and The Question, among others.