If anyone is living under a rock these days, good for you. There are some of us who aren’t – and we’re living in a perpetual state of fear, revulsion, and panic. Why? Well, not to get too political, but the President of the United States of America is a lying, xenophobic, narcissist with tendencies to say whatever floats past his KFC-soaked brainstem. Over the last one hundred plus days in office, Donald Trump has tried to ban aliens from our welcoming shores, offended our allies, kissed up to our enemies, spent millions of dollars to fire off some weapons, and if you’ve been paying attention lately… obstructing the investigation that could link his campaign to Russia.
It’s comical at this point, if only because as a comic book fan, for once, I now know what it’s like to live under the reign of a super villain. But c’mon. This is America, damnit. And if we’re going to live under the rule of a megalomaniac… we could do better. My proof:
Under President Luthor, it’s most likely he’d get far better than a Muslim ban passed. Luthor, with his actual fortune, and actual genius-level intellect would easily figure out a way to draft a bill and grease the right palms to ensure all aliens (be they foreign or Kryptonian) be held at the shores of their homelands – impossibly tethered to any nation but Lexmerica. Beyond holding sway over all xenophobes… I mean nationalists… President Luthor would also be a boon to the billionaire class. Sweeping tax cuts and promises of trickle-down economics would be bolstered by stories of how Lexcorp hires hundreds of thousands of people and has cultivated a workforce of go-getters. A few executive orders later and Bernie Sanders would be living in the South Pacific, shouting at the heavens in protest as the .001% soon own 99.99% of the country.
- President Norman Osborn
When you think about it, Norman Osborn isn’t all that different from Trump. Crazy hair? Check. Short temper? Checkity-check. Rumors of mafia ties and a fortune built on the backs of the little people crushed back into the dirt? Check-check-1-2-check. But where Norman differs lay at the ground of all who look at us cock-eyed. Trump is a bit of a warhawk. Norman makes Trump look like a dove on an olive branch. President Osborn – gliding across Pennsylvania Avenue on his newest rocket-propelled death-machine – would shoot first, and never ask questions. All in the name of our country’s safety, mind you. North Korea? Smoldering ash. Russia? Newly minted as “America’s Gas Station.” The Middle East? Rebranded as Glassville, as one of the countries (President Osborne doesn’t recall which) looked at him cockeyed, so he ordered it all be nuked until he could see himself smile.
- President Magneto
OK, this one might seem odd because President Magneto actually is 100% pro-choice. 100% for universal health care. He taxes the rich and gives it directly to the poor. He welcomes literally any alien seeking help. With his impenetrable magnetic dampening field generators attached to our warships and border, our country is armored against any attack! Sounds good, right?
- President Darkseid
Look, let’s get this out of the way immediately. Yes, the all-powerful despot doesn’t technically meet the established standards to become President. He wasn’t born on American soil. We’re not even sure if he has parents. And he definitely declined to even apply for citizenship. But on the plus side? It didn’t matter after he used his Omega beams to obliterate Congress, the courts, and… well… all the government buildings and people who worked in it. With that in mind? Life isn’t so bad now, is it? We’re all getting totally ripped working in the salt mines every day. Thanks to the newly added firepits, every day is a blustery 102 degrees – but it’s totally a dry heat. There’s no more debt, save for our miserable lives which we owe to our dark lord and ruler, of course. Say what you will, but at very least? I like that President Darkseid actually drained the swamp.
You can call President Negan a bully. I mean, you might as well, he put it on the back of the new $20. But you can’t deny his results. After taking Secretary of Offense, Lucille, to all those folks overseas? We now enjoy half of the world’s supplies! I mean, it was only fair that they give them to us, right? President Negan protects all of us from the zombies. Sure, I’ve never exactly seen one in person, per say. But who needs to, when I know that all the work I’m doing now serves the greater good! With the Cabinet of Saviors in place, we’re all living within our means. And it’s great how forward the nation is with the LGBTQ community. I mean, it’s OK now to be whoever you were meant to be. So long as you don’t rape anyone? You’re totes kewl brah. I sure do miss Glenn though.
And you know what? Any one of these downright bastards would be a welcome change from he who calls themselves our leader today.