I own a rare Japanese GI Joe figure which I was lucky enough to have signed by Don Levine GI Joes’s main creator. No idea what it’s worth but I know it’s pretty pricey— but I’d never sell it. Nor would I sell my prized Captain Action or any of the toys action figures or dolls I once collected.
I say once because the thrill of tracking down something I once had as a kid has left me.
There’s a huge TV in almost every room of my home and my studio. Each room has a gaming system hooked up in it. I have not played a video game in perhaps four years.
That really sucks.
It’s been twenty years or so since I went into the dealers area at Comic-Con. There was a time when I’d drop a ton of cash at SDCC and not think about it twice. Suffering from insomnia, I’d often make late evening runs to Target. I’d come back with all sort of stuff, mostly superhero related, and spend the wee hours of the night setting them up.
I mentioned dolls earlier and I meant dolls. I have a sizable collection of Barbie’s. Yeah, I’m a six foot two inch Black man from the hood and I once collected Barbie. I no longer do that either.
That may be the biggest suck of all. Laugh if you will but, “Hey, would you like to come to my home and see my Barbie collection” beats wanna play Call of Duty with the ladies each and every time fanboy.
What happened? Why have I stopped playing with toys?
- One day I looked at my Barbie’s and realized I’m not Gay so I stopped.
- My girlfriend and my wife sat me down for an intervention. They convinced this was not a good look for a middle aged Black man.
- I grew up.
- All of the above.
- None of the above
The answer is E none of those things are the reason.
The answer is that fun-loving silly bastard who lost his mind when he met Mickey Mouse at Disneyland is gone. “IT’S MICKEY MOUSE! F*******K!!!” I screamed like a little girl when I saw Mickey walking towards me during my first visit to Disneyland. I was there with Denys Cowan who had invited me along. This was a trip for Denys’ young son Miles he told me to come along because I’d love Disneyland.
I was NOT impressed. The Happiest Place on Earth my ass. I was bored out of my mind until Mickey rolled up.
Mickey looked with disbelief. This was something new to Mr. Mouse: a grown man so freaking out over him. I was acting like a kid and could care less who saw me. THIS was Cloud 9.
YEAH I know it’s a man in a freakin suit I didn’t care.
It was nighttime and Mickey was on his way to clock out. A few kids had come over once gone he turned to me and I felt so special.
Suit man I know.
“Hey can I tell you a joke?” Mickey said. WTF?? Mickey doesn’t talk at Disneyland or anywhere he only speaks on film not in person. This freaking RAT just RUINED my good time.
NAH! Just kidding! I felt even more special!!!
Suit I KNOW
“YES! Tell me a joke, Mickey!”
I swear this is true and you can ask Denys Cowan. First Mickey pleaded PLEASE don’t tell anyone because he could get fired. When he heard my F bomb he figured I’d appreciate this joke:
Mickey Mouse is in divorce court and the judge is shaking his head.
“Mr. Mouse, you cannot use insanity as a plea in a divorce case.”
Mickey looked at the judge and said; “I didn’t say she was insane, I SAID SHE WAS F**K**G GOOFY!”
Mickey Mouse told me that joke at Disneyland, I cried I was laughing so hard.
I’m still crying but not because of any joke.
This article started as a rant. Gucci is selling Mickey Mouse tee shirts for $650. You can find a much better designed one for $14.99 at Macys. To be fair, Gucci’s logo is on their shirt so that easily justifies the $635.01 extra. To be even fairer, Gucci has Mickey Mouse tees WITH the Gucci logo that goes for $20 bucks.
What the difference? The only difference I see is the $20 dollar shirts feature a dumb as dirt looking Mickey. I’m not kidding. But fear not; for $650.00 you can have a cool looking Mickey.
That lighthearted description is far from my original fire and brimstone class warfare damn those elitist bastards who make poor kids think they need $200 sneakers to be cool article I wrote.
That article has been done for a while. I hope I never run it. It’s bitter cold and utterly depressing.
Like its author.
Once my writing was upbeat comical and downright silly. “How To Meet Girls” was a tongue in cheek fanboy guide to getting a girlfriend. I listed ways fanboys could improve their zero chances to 1 or perhaps 2 out of 100. It was a standard article running a few hundred words. The next week my follow up article for fangirls, “How To Meet Guys,” was exactly one sentence. “Be a girl.”
That may not be the sentence that printed in Comics Buyers Guide where it printed. I reread a bunch of different drafts and I’m unsure which one ran.
Boy, did I like myself back then. I cracked myself up daily, not caring if anyone else got the joke. I thought it was funny so I was satisfied. One column was “Is You Stupid?” The first sentence stated it was slang used in the Black Community but I was confident some knucklehead would comment on my grammar regardless if they read that I’d written “Is You Stupid?” on purpose.
Much to my surprise no one commented.
LIKE HELL THEY DID-ANT. Yep, there was someone that stupid. Yes, DID-ANT is how I meant to write that and you’re supposed to channel a Black girl from the hood when you read it.
“OH NO YOU DID-ANT!”
Yep. It’s like that…and that’s the way it is.
I once wrote an entire article using Dragon Dictate. The damn near $200 version that I paid for. So, I guess I is stupid two. I didn’t correct one misspelling I’d spent hours “teaching” that piece of crap program how to interpret my voice and was done correcting it. I’d say; “My name is Michael Davis, I’m the Master Of The Universe.” Dragon Dictate would write; “My nanny is Michael Avis I masturbate first.” That may or may not be true but it’s not what I dictated.
I’d write silly “what ifs?” Like what if Marvel Superheroes existed in the real world and did real world dumb stuff that’s so popular today? Like Speed Dating? The following is from Brokeback Marvel:
Johnny Storm is seated across from a pretty blond with short hair.
“Hi, I’m Johnny Storm.”
“Hello, I’m Paris Hilton. So Johnny, what do you do?’
“I’m a member of the Fantastic Four.”
“That a rock group? Oh wow! Do you have a CD out?? Do you know Justin Timberlake?”
”It’s not a rock group. We fight crime.”
“You a cop?”
“Oh God, you’re a security guard??”
“No. I’m a super hero.”
“That a kind of sandwich?”
“No, we defend the earth from super villains.”
“That pays a lot?”
“No, I do it for free. Hey where you going?”
“I don’t date men without a job. You have a trust fund or something?”
“Your daddy rich?”
“Then why on earth should I go out with you?”
I said it was silly, didn’t I? That article got me a very nice letter from a very big star.
Fun Fact: There are some who think I drop names for one or two reasons.
- I’m Bragging, or,
- I’m full of shit.
I’m neither but remember those points.
The following is an excerpt from: “What about me? What about my needs?”
There is a TV show called Me or the Dog. I think it’s on Animal Planet. This show is about how dogs run the lives of people. There was a woman on one of these shows who actually said she preferred her dogs to her husband and son. She said if given a choice between her family and the dogs she would put the family out of the home before the dogs. I think she thinks she’s a dog. Well if she thinks she’s a dog then I will address this in a way she would understand.
That bitch is crazy.
See? Silly but fun! I once wrote funny stuff almost every week. That didn’t stop me from writing about serious subjects many of which touched a nerve in some. Two articles got me death threats. Yep, Death threats.
But enough about my fans! I was going to list one more excerpt from my absolute favorite silly article but I couldn’t decide what to pull from it so here:
All that merriment begs the question; what happened to that fun-loving silly bastard who lost his mind when he met Micky Mouse at Disneyland?
End Part 1