Mindy Newell: Much Ado About Nothing
I really hate it when I’ve got nothing. Writing the column becomes a war between the empty page and my keyboard, with my brain as no-man’s land. It’s been like this since Friday.
At times like this, when I’m feeling unengaged and disinherited from the comics industry and generally just plain discombobulated, I just want to give it up and throw in the towel, like that weather woman from Alaska who said, “Fuck it, I quit” in the middle of her segment.
Ha. Weather Woman. Here’s how I imagine her open audition for the Legion of Super-Heroes would go:
She walks on stage. She can’t really see into the seats because of the bright lights shining on her, but she knows her judges are out there.
“Hi, I’m Weather Woman. I have control over the –
A voice comes out of the abyss in front of her.
“Woman? How old are you?”
“What business of that is yours?”
“Sorry, club rules specifically state that members must be in their teens.”
“You look on the far side of 25 to me.” That’s a literal stab in the dark. She can’t see a thing. Damn lights.
“Excuse us for a moment.”
She hears whispers.
“I apologize. I should have said members must be in their teens when they join.”
“There was nothing in the ad that specified age.”
“I’m sorry, Ma’m, but – “
“Ma’m ! I’m not your grandmother.”
“At any rate we’ve already got a Lightning Lad and Lightning Lass. A Sun Boy. A Polar Boy.
Another voice. “We had a Nightwind, but she died.”
First voice. “She doesn’t need to know that.”
Weather Woman’s not going down without a fight. “But you don’t have any one member who can control all the vagaries of weather, the entire climate. Let me demonstrate.”
“That’s not necessary.”
“Listen, your ad specifically stated that you are an equal employment opportunity employer.”
“But I’m not being given an equal opportunity.”
“We’ll get back to you.”
“My lawyer will get back to you.”
Boy, that’s weak. This is what happens when you’ve got nothing.
Did you read Mike’s column about the Joker, a Jewess, Jihadists and a “just joking” Joseph Goebbels-like propaganda video? Did you watch it? Let’s all nominate it for an Oscar.
In related news…
Do you know that the State Department has created its own video as an anti-propaganda propaganda tool to discourage Muslims from joining ISIL? It’s called “Welcome to ISIL-LAND.” It’s a “parody” recruitment video. I’m not making this up. Go watch it. You won’t believe it. I’ll wait.
Okay, you saw it. Does that seem like a parody recruitment video to you? As John Oliver of HBO’s “Last Week Tonight” put it, “What the fuck are you doing?”
Which is what you all might be saying right now as you read this.
Well, I told you I got nothing this week.