The Doctor is very good at saving the world, but very poor at sitting still. So when he’s stuck waiting a full year for an invasion to start, it gives a new meaning to cabin fever. The Year of the Slow Invasion, the year The Doctor got involved in Amy and Rory’s life and not the other way around. A very personal episode (featuring the entire world), rife with spoilers, so sit back, and keep your eye on the box.
The annual running of the bad prose has come again, with the winners of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest announced Monday. (Yes, that page is apparently official, even though it looks like something that crawled out of 1996, and not before dying, either.)
In honor of the “dark and stormy night” feller, the judges of the Bulwer-Lytton contest every year choose the most lousy opening sentence they can from among a myriad entrants. This year’s winner was:
As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.
And it was extruded by one Cathy Bryant of Manchester, England.
Since there are always more bad sentences, there are also category winners. Those of genre interest are:
(via Publishers Weekly)
“Weird Tales” was a proposed radio series recorded in Hollywood in 1932 and based on stories in the famous horror themed Pulp of the same name, notable for featuring such iconic authors as Robert E. Howard and H.P. Lovecraft. The series was produced by Hollywood Radio Attractions, 4376 Sunset Drive, Hollywood. In a promotional flyer for the program, they advertise three episodes that had been produced and the company was planning to record a total of 52 half-hour shows.
From out of the pages of Operator #5 magazine steps a dramatic hero who pits himself against threats to national security from all origins. Whether it’s subversive internal menace, or a full-scale invasion from an enemy land, James Christopher stood ready and resolute to defeat it.
In 1934, with Hitler consolidating power in Germany and the Japanese Empire on the rise in Asia, young pulp publisher Harry Steeger decided that the American public was ready for a magazine chronicling the exploits of an undercover agent dedicated to defending the United States from foreign aggressors. With his editors, Steeger came up with a title, Secret Service Operator #5, and a cover depicting a masked terrorist fleeing an exploding White House. Over this loomed the resourceful hero, blazing away with a .45 automatic. His job: to defeat a new invasion of the United States—every month!
James Christopher did not technically belong to the U. S. Secret Service. He was a top agent for an America’s unnamed Intelligence Service. It was in his blood. His father, John Christopher, retired from the same agency years before. Answerable only to his superior, Z-7, and carrying a letter from the President of the United States identifying him as Operator #5, Jimmy Christopher played for keeps. He carried a rapier sewn into his belt, and in a golden skull hanging from his watch-chain was a reservoir of poison to be taken in the event of capture.
Aided by a small group of trusted assistants, ranging from his twin sister Nan to scrappy street urchin Tim Donovan, Jimmy Christopher was a one-man defense force. Proud and patriotic, expert marksman and swordsman, he was the best America has to offer in a time of severe trial.
Originally written by master pulpsmith Frederick C. Davis, the Operator #5 series was a clear forerunner of the spy and espionage genre, which exploded in the 1960s when President John F. Kennedy happened remark that he enjoyed reading Ian Fleming’s James Bond novels. The first Bond film, Dr. No, was released in 1962. Soon, America was surrounded by spies. The Man from U.N.C.L.E., Our Man Flint, and Nick Carter, Killmaster were just a few of the most prolific. Jimmy Christopher was on the job a generation before them all, blazing the espionage trail, and keeping America safe from fascism and other wicked isms.
Invisible, secret, deadly, the Masked Empire wielded its dread power of darkness throughout the nation. Havoc and ruin followed the terror-torn thousands who fled the country to escape the Thirteenth Darkness. America, faced with certain disaster, placed her chance of survival in one man’s capable hands — and prayed that the warrior gods might smile once more upon the miracle man of her Secret Service — Jimmy Christopher!
Into this unprecedented crisis plunged Jimmy Christopher. Only one man, but a man who embodied with the American spirit—and stands prepared to perish to protect his country. James Christopher, Operator #5 is voiced by the talented Richard Epcar. Order your copy today for only $17.98.
One important aspect of bringing a Pulp classic to life as an audiobook is finding just the right voice to breathe life into the words on the page. Continuing its fine tradition of doing just that, Will Murray’s Pulp Classics from Radio Archives has matched one of Pulpdom’s most loved characters with a voice actor with a passion for the period and this type of character.
With the expansion of the increasing popular New Pulp movement, it was only inevitable that the audio book industry would enter this exciting new field. One of the most aggressive to do so in the past year has been Radio Archives out of Spokane, Washington, headed by the wonderfully creative and energetic Roger Rittner. Working with noted pulp writer and historian, Will Murray, Rittner and Radio Archives have began doing expansive audio book versions of classic pulp thrillers with the feel of genuine old time radio melodramas. It is important to note that these are not exact, full cast recordings, but by adding brilliant sound effects and period background music, Radio Archives provides such marvelous audio atmosphere as to beautifully mimic those old radio plays. 
1 cent Spider eBook!
I’ll tell you right up front that I had a stronger emotional reaction to the film than most audience members, largely because of the theme of loss that permeates most of the story. As a result, I found myself loving the We Bought a Zoo and have been recommending it to families ever since. Now that it is out on DVD from 20th Century Home Entertainment, I’m here to recommend it as a purchase as well.
Since we’re all about to fall in love with Scarlet Johansson all over again when she kicks ass in The Avengers, it’s good to see her actually acting here, paired nicely with Matt Damon, the grieving patriarch who needs to change his life in some way and chooses to do so in a rather radical fashion. (more…)
Hard to believe it, but Alfred E. Neuman is celebrating his 56th birthday today. Ever since he first graced the cover of MAD #30 in 1956, he has become a national icon and symbol of that era. His enduring gap-toothed grin has become an internationally recognized image and has been imitated time and again.
We salute, Alfred and share with you some fun facts about the fellow:
Although Alfred has appeared on the front of most issues of MAD, he has not appeared on every cover.
Over the years, Alfred has been depicted in a wide variety of roles, including Uncle Sam, George Washington, Barack Obama, Rosemary’s baby, Michael Jackson, Justin Bieber and Batman.
Alfred’s signature slogan, “What – me worry?” exemplifies the satirical and care-free tone of the magazine.
Alfred has run for president every election since 1956 with the campaign motto, “You could do worse, and always have!”
Alfred’s eyes are not aligned straight, yet they always manage to make contact with the reader. He is never depicted in profile.
In 1983, a man wore an Alfred E. Neuman mask while attempting to hold up a gas station in Michigan. The attendant working at the station could not take the man seriously and the robber left the scene without any money.
In MAD #322 (October, 1993), the magazine asked readers which real life celebrity Alfred E. Neuman most closely resembled – David Letterman, Ted Koppel or Prince Charles of England. While TV personality Letterman was leading the vote for the majority of the polling period, a last-minute influx of votes from Canadian readers crowned Prince Charles the victor of the competition. This was ironic considering that in 1958, MAD received a letter from Buckingham Palace (reprinted in MAD #48) to shoot down comparisons between Charles and Alfred. To this day, nobody knows if the note in fact came from Prince Charles himself.
As MAD’s mascot, Alfred is often referred to by the Usual Gang of Idiots at MAD as the magazine’s “Playboy rabbit.”
TIPPIN’ HANCOCK’S HAT- All Things Pulp Reviewed by Tommy Hancock
THEATER OF VAMPIRES
by Guido Henkel
Published by Thunder Peak Publishing
2010
I’ll admit that I’m usually (with a few exceptions) an easy reviewer of initial books in new series. And there’s a few reasons for that, but that doesn’t mean my praise on the first volume is false, it isn’t at all. The true strength, though, for me in a series is not simply how good the first book is, but if the second book in the series meets or exceeds my best thoughts of its predecessor. That’s how I gauge whether or not I’m going to stay with a series for awhile.
Guido Henkel’s THEATER OF VAMPIRES, the follow up to DEMON’S NIGHT and the second in the Jason Dark series definitely set the hook I’d already swallowed with the first volume.
In this adventure, Investigator of the Supermatural Jason Dark and his now apprentice/partner Siu Lin (one of the best parts of the first book) set out to investigate killings that may center around a theatrical production new to England. This extravagant, wildly weird stage show, considered an example of Grand Guignol, is allegedly about vampires and how they feast on humans. When Dark becomes concerned that reality may be stranger than staged fiction and a real threat might haunt the aisles and back stage of this production, he and Siu Lin turn to one of Dark’s old friends and jump neck first into the bloodiest, boldest adventure yet.
It’s a foregone conclusion with this book that Jason Dark will encounter something monstrous, something supernatural. As a matter of fact, that point is driven home even more in this volume due to a certain Doctor spying Dark at the Theater and imploring that Dark visit this Doctor and his ‘friend’ soon, a friend who, though in the same field as Dark, did not believe in the supernatural, only in the logical. Henkel fantastically weaves a believable world in his own version of Victorian England, even sprinkling it with real and fictional personages. One of the neatest is Dark’s inventor friend, Herbert, who although he doesn’t appear in this volume, casts a long enough shadow that I have a fair idea who he is. Combine this wonderful name dropping with Henkel’s horrifying descriptions, crackling dialogue, and excellent pulpy pacing and THEATER OF VAMPIRES is an excellent second chapter in the literary life of Jason Dark
FIVE OUT OF FIVE TIPS OF THE HAT-Wickedly fun.
TIPPIN’ HANCOCK’S HAT- All Things Pulp Reviewed by Tommy Hancock
DEMON’S NIGHT
by Guido Henkel
Published by Thunder Peak Publishing
2009
Ever since a particular detective first made his literary presence known in The Strand Magazine (and actually in other ways even before that), there’s been a bevy of creators find themselves drawn to tell imaginative tales replete with shadowy twists and tangled turns in the fog ridden streets of England in the late 19th Century. Many of those have dared to mimic Doyle, others have worked to flat out ignore him, and still others have gone steps beyond where his most notable creation ever went. It’s a rarity, to me anyway, when someone writes in that vein and simultaneously completely respects what came before while completely and totally having absolute fun with what they are doing.
Guido Henkel, the architect of the now 11 volume JASON DARK series, skillfully manipulates everything readers love about Victorian England and the supernatural while obviously having the best magical, mystical, monstrous time a writer can have in DEMON’S NIGHT, the novella featuring the debut of the Victorian Detective that handles the cases his better known peer won’t often even entertain.
People are dying in Whitechapel. Not an unusual thing, except the bodies being discovered are withered, drained of every fluid possible, dried like prunes. Tweaking the interest of Dark, the murders are the doing of a demon, a slave serving a master seeking release. And only Dark and a young Oriental woman with skills all her own stand in the way of this netherworldly plot.
DEMON’S NIGHT is a wonderful story and great introduction to Jason Dark. Obviously owing a bit of who he is to those who came before him, Dark is also a figure all his own. At times moody, often introspective, and dangerously spontaneous when it’s least advised, Dark applies logic while opening his mind to the weirdness the world truly has to offer. The supporting cast appearing around Dark for the first time is definitely an added asset to the story and the character. Siu Lin, initially a victim of the beast of the tale, quickly proves her worth to Dark and makes a great compliment to his rather complex lead.
Henkel keeps the story rolling, darting back and forth between Dark’s and the demon’s perspective, and makes sure the reader stays along for the action packed storm that unfolds from beginning to end.
FIVE OUT FIVE TIPS OF THE HAT- DEMON’S NIGHT is not only a great start, it’s a truly awesome tautly told, well crafted novella featuring the best of Holmesian influence and Henkelian talent.
On Thursday, February 16, 2011, in an interview with MSNBC’s Andrea Mitchell, Foster Friess, one of the billionaire funders of the Super PAC (Political Action Committee) backing Rick Santorum, said, “Back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn’t that costly.”
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. LOL! ROFL! Hee-hee-hee! BWA-HA-HA-SNORT!
Not.
Funny.
Definitely not.
Defiantly not.
Watch this video from The Daily Show in which Jon Stewart masterfully attacks the crap coming out of the Republican’s mouths these days.
The Republican Party has really stepped in it this time. They are so desperate. It would be funny if it weren’t so scary. Now they’re trying to switch the argument into one in which Obama is attacking Catholics. According to the Republicans, Obama has been a Muslim plant, a communist, and a socialist, a Kenyan (as in not born on American soil), anti-Christian, anti-Israel…
What next?
How nuts is the Republican’s newest election campaign? Watch Megan Kelly of Fox News, newly returned from maternity leave, as she defends the “entitlement program” maternity leave against right-wing radio pundit Mike Gallagher, who calls maternity leave “a racket.”
Several columns ago I talked about why I believed that Wonder Woman, a.k.a. Princess Diana of Themiscrya, would come down on the side of pro-life in the abortion debate.
I never considered about how she would feel towards the use of contraceptives.
Hmm…
What I think is that, at first, she wouldn’t understand it. As I said, coming from a place where natural procreation has been unknown for 3000 years and more, Diana would have a true reverence for pregnancy and birth – not to mention children.
However, as she became acclimated to the modern world – I don’t use the word “assimilated” because it is my writer’s conceit to think of Diana as a continual “stranger in a strange land.” I believe she would come to accept the importance of a “woman’s right to choose” contraceptives, based on her own experiences growing up on a island in which there are no men to place a “glass ceiling” on women’s abilities and/or aspirations. After all, her own mother, Hippolyta, is Queen in every sense of the word, a queen with the power of a king, such as this world has not seen since Elizabeth I of England. In Diana’s world, there is no question that a woman has the capability to be a front-line warrior or a priest – it’s a fact. It just is.
And I also think she would come to realize that using contraceptives – obviously – drastically eliminate the need for abortions. Yes, I still believe she would stand firm in her pro-life stance.
A final point. Diana comes from a theocratic society. However, it is an enlightened theocratic society that does not impose its religion on others. I believe she would find it inappropriate that those campaigning for the Presidency of this country are actively working to impose their faith’s beliefs on others.
Inappropriate?
No.
Dangerous.
Extremely dangerous.
TUESDAY: What Would Michael Davis Do?
The Christmas tree. Big, small, authentic or fake, the object of worship at Rockefeller Center for New Yorkers and tourists, the spindly little tree that Charlie Brown adopts, and always, always, beautiful, I do hope you know that the evergreen tree (fir, spruce, or pine) didn’t grow in the hot, dry, climate of Bethlehem and Nazareth. (But the Egyptians did have a midwinter rite – see below.)
Courtesy of The History Channel and my fascination with pre-Judeo-Christian religions – I’ve delved a little bit into Wicca – here’s a brief history of our favorite symbol of the season, the Christmas tree.
For centuries in Europe and England, before the introduction of Christianity, plants and trees that remained green all year had a special meaning for people. To ward off the ghosts, witches, and evil spirits, they made wreaths of, and hung branches from, the fir trees that were “ever green.” During the winter months, as the days shortened and the world became dark and cold, it was believed that the sun god had turned their face from them. On the winter solstice, the shortest and darkest day of the year, the people would celebrate the return of the sun god, dancing in a sacred circle around a chosen evergreen tree (fir, spruce, pine) and light fires to bring back the light.
By the way, fellow comic geeks, in the Germanic and Scandinavian regions, the tree was called Thor’s Oak. Hey, Marvel, how about a Christmas Special featuring the tree and the Asgaardian?
Another origin has been proposed for our favorite Christmas image, that of the “Tree of Paradise,” which was used in the medieval plays performed on Christmas Eve to tell the story of Adam and Eve. It was decorated with apples – some say pomegranates – to represent the forbidden fruit, and Eucharist wafers to represent God’s deliverance; later on, in the 16th century, the Germans began placing the trees inside their homes, and the apples were replaced by shiny red balls.
So what were they doing at this time of year in the Fertile Crescent of the Mediterranean? Well, the Egyptians prayed to the Sun god, Ra, who would annually come near to death as the winter progressed. On the day of the solstice, when the sun – Ra – began to strengthen, the Egyptians would bring the green leaves of the palm trees into their homes, which symbolized Ra’s victory over death. (Hmm…palm leaves. Eternally green. Symbols of another resurrection one that is central to the Christian faith.)
The Romans celebrated the Saturnalia on the winter solstice, in honor of Saturn, the god of farming and agriculture, because they knew the shortest day also marked the return of spring and summer, when the land would be fertile once again. The Saturnalia, by the way, was converted to Christmas, to mark the birth of Jesus by the Emperor Constantine, after he experienced a vision and ordered the conversion of all Roman citizens to Christianity. (And did you know that Biblical forensic astronomers believe that Jesus was actually born in the spring, according to the position of the stars at that time?) Anyway, the Romans also marked the Saturnalia by adorning Saturn’s temples and their own homes with branches of the evergreen trees that grew in that region.
The Celts of England, Ireland, and areas of northern Europe also celebrated the winter solstice with evergreen trees, to them also a symbol of eternal life. They would select a tree about which they danced, and lit bonfires to encourage the dark gods to leave.
When did the Christmas tree as we know first appear in America? Well, the Puritans – of Thanksgiving fame – felt that Christian worship had become frivolous and full of pagan rites. They believed that Christmas was a sacred, awesome – not as in “Awesome, bro!” but in its original meaning of “God-fearing and awe-inspiring” – outlawed the celebration of Christmas with trees, and even carols; those who dared were put in the stocks or worse!
The Germans, especially those who settled mostly in Pennsylvania, are credited with bringing the Christmas tree to America in the mid-19th century, but most Americans of the time were still heavily influenced by their Puritan roots, and believed the tree was a pagan symbol and refused to raise one either in their communities or their homes
Then, in 1846, Queen Victoria of Great Britain and her German-born consort, Prince Albert, appeared in the Illustrated London News celebrating Christmas with a tree. Like Anglophiles today who faithfully follow the affairs of the Windsors – and comic fans who believe that only the Brits know how to write comics – anything that came from across the pond was immediately declared fashionable and de rigueur.
O, Tannenbaum, O, Tannebaum!
And now for my weekly political comment:
If you watch either Jon Stewart on The Daily Show or Bill O’Reilly on The Factor, you know those two are at their annual “The War on Christmas” shenanigans, with Stewart poking fun – and getting pissed off – at one of O’Reilly’s favorite topics, as he rages against the ridiculous, “pinheaded” political correctness of the season.
And you know what? I totally agree with O’Reilly on this one. Oh, not on his overblown rhetoric – although that’s O’Reilly’s raison de guerre – but essentially, I believe he’s absolutely dead on regarding this one. The celebration of Christmas is an American rite of passage, which should be holy and sacred to those of the Christian faiths, but more often, these days, a commemoration of that other American religion – buying on credit and going into debt.
War on Christmas? Who’re you kidding, Mr. O’Reilly?
Next week: My Christmas, Chanukah, and Kwanza shopping suggestions.
TUESDAY: Michael Davis
Columns / Glenn Hauman / News
Stephen Colbert, we have your writer for “The Chronicles of Amber”!
January 20, 2023
The Law Is A Ass #460: Those “For Life” Sentences Are Nonsense
February 24, 2022
