Author: Michael Davis

The Silly Season, by Michael Davis

The Silly Season, by Michael Davis

Up to now I was on the fence about whom I was going to vote for in the Presidential election. All I knew for sure is that I was going to vote for whatever Democrat won the nomination. If Charles Barkley won the nomination I would have voted for him. So, yes, no matter what Democrat wins I’m casting my ballot his or her way. 

Even though I am running for President myself (I announced that a few columns ago) I am realistic enough to know that I may not win. I am going to take a stand like Ralph Nader. I’m in it to make a point like Nader. I’m in it to be a huge pain in the ass with no godly chance of winning… like Nader. If you ask me It’s just as much Nader’s fault we are in a war in Iraq as it is Bush’s. If he did not take votes away from Gore then we would be worried about a sex scandal right about now not fighting a war we have no business waging. 

I like Both Senator Clinton and Senator Obama and would have been happy to vote for either.

Until last week. Last week I decided whom not to vote for.

Before I give my endorsement (which will surely decide the nominee as I carry so much weight) let me share a bit about each candidate. There is a real chance that Barack Obama will come to Comic Con International this summer. His campaign contacted me last year about setting that up and it still may happen.

Why me? Let’s just say that’s how I roll. 

I like Obama but did not know if I was ready to vote for him. I was very impressed that his campaign thinks that Comic Con is a smart place to reach young people. That move earned him serious points in my book.

To be frank I was a huge fan of the Clintons and was leaning in Hillary’s direction, mainly because I loved Bill Clinton. I have met quite a few notable people in my life. From heads of state to rock, hip-hop and movie stars to world leaders. When I say meet I’m not talking about some random street meeting or autograph signing I’m talking about being in business with them or being invited to their home or inviting them to mine. Most of these well known people I meet are impressive but three impressed me to a point where I was speechless. 

(more…)

I’m Mad As Hell, by Michael Davis

I’m Mad As Hell, by Michael Davis

 
I like to laugh. I see humor in most everything. Most people meet me and assume because of my wicked sense of humor I must have lived a charmed life. 
 
Nope. 
 
As I have mentioned before, two members of my immediate family were taken by violence and that does not leave you a lot to laugh about. My family was really poor and I survived more than one brush with death growing up where I did. Not the kind of life story that makes for a giggle fest.
 
The reason for my mostly cheerful outlook on life is my mom. If you think I’m funny (and you certainly won’t after this article), if you have read any of my other stuff and thought I was funny, then you should meet my mother. She is freakin hilarious. My mom had a lot more to deal with than me and she dealt with it with good humor and was confident that she would not just survive but flourish, and she did.
 
As stated above I like to laugh and do find humor in most every thing except violence and cruelty. 
 
I am not a behaviorist, anthropologist or psychiatrist. I do not claim to understand the effects of environment, religion, tribal history, poverty or anything else that that affects human behavior.  I know that there are reasons why people do things. I know that there are sometimes societal reasons why people hurt other people. 
 
You know what? I don’t care anymore.
 
I hear a lot of reasons on the nightly news explaining why some people commit horrible brutal deeds against other people.   

(more…)

My Follow Americans, by Michael Davis

My Follow Americans, by Michael Davis

 
Hey, did I miss something? I may have as I don’t visit the site every day but did we not just pass one year of ComicMix?!! Where is the fan fare? Where is the celebration? 
 
Where is the love?
 
I’m not sure if fans know just how much goes into maintaining and producing a site like this. This is a HUGE deal. For any business to survive a year is a massive achievement and for an entertainment company to do so is nothing short of monumental! So my hat is off to the rest of the ComicMix crew! I am very proud of my small part in the ComicMix story and look forward to many more years from what has become comics and related media’s best place for great stuff!
 
A while ago I wrote a column about what I would do if I ruled the world. I realize now that was unrealistic at best. Ruling the world has been the mad dream of history’s idiots and I am no one’s idiot. I thought about how foolish it was for me to attempt to rule the world. That was perhaps the second silliest thing I have ever done. The first was assuming that a certain entertainment company would make toys from a wildly successful animated show I had a hand in creating. What was I thinking? 
 
No more. Enough.
 
My days of unrealistic fantasy daydreaming are over. Well except for the Asian girl hot oil Michael Davis sandwich daydream. I’m holding on to that one.
 
But all other silly daydreams are gone. That said I still want to help my follow man and I intend to do so. So today I am announcing my candidacy for The Presidency Of The United States.
 
This, I can do!
 
I am neither Democrat nor Republican. I am a member of the Comic Book Party. We are a small but powerful party that believes in whatever I say, as I am the only member. I told you it was small.
 

(more…)

Pow! Zap! Dim! Thick! Asinine! by Michael Davis

Pow! Zap! Dim! Thick! Asinine! by Michael Davis

Have you noticed that whenever there is an article which feature comics, it almost always features a Pow, Zap, or some such idiotic way to describe comic books in the title? If not fight effects then it will begin with Holy, as in Holy Crack Whore! Comics find their way into Rehab!

As a comic book reader you no doubt want to scream your disapproval, but alas you cannot, as any action you take in defense of comic books would get you branded a geek at best or immature at worst. 
 
I am a grown man and love comic books and the industry that produces them, but I, like you am a wee bit…
 
PATRIOTS SUCK!
 
Sorry. Just had a subliminal moment and flashed back to the NY Giant’s impossible Super Bowl win. Forgive me, it won’t happen agai…
 
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR PERFECT SEASON, SUCKERS??
 
I am so sorry that keeps happening. However, in my defense I was so sick of hearing how my beloved Giants were just a gnat on the ass of the Patriots. I was also sick of hearing about the perfect season of the Patriots, so much so, I have developed subliminalitis
 
Sub*lim*in*al*itis: 
The abrupt screaming out of phrases such as The Patriots got their cocky asses kicked, during unrelated conversations or writings. See: Dynasty…not. 
 
To the fans in New England, hold your head up high! You won EVERY SINGLE GAME…almost!
 
You only lost one game.
 
Only one.
 
One loss.
 
The Super Bowl.
 
I’m sure that people will forget that you lost the Super Bowl but won 18 games.
 
Sure, they will!
 
Yep, So hold your head up high! 
 
That way you can see the sign that says LOSERS!! 
 
As I was saying, I am a grown man and love comic books and the industry that produces them, but I like you am a wee bit tired of the comic book industry being look at as “kid stuff.” Just the other day I was reading the February 4th issue of The National Law Journal
 

(more…)

The Worst TV Show Ever – Part 2, by Michael Davis

The Worst TV Show Ever – Part 2, by Michael Davis

Last week I decided to write the worst TV show pitch in history since that is all that seems to get on the air these days. My show is called I’m An Asshole If I Watch This Show.

It’s Fantasy Island meets Bambi meets Lord Of The Rings meets Don’t Forget The Lyrics meets any reality show meets Leave It To Beaver meets Cheers!
 
Last week I introduced you to the regulars of a karaoke bar called Ass Funk. A young Asian lady named Denise Lee had come into the bar to drown her sorrows because her daddy had presented her with what he said was proof that the man Denise was going to marry was a Hobbit. Her fiancé Bilbo Baggins assured her he was not a Hobbit and that her father was just afraid of losing her.
 
When last we left Denise she had fallen off the Karaoke bar stage and been pimp slapped… 
 
Hey…wait a sec.
 
You see that link in my first paragraph? Well click on it and you’ll get last week’s column. Why the heck am I rewriting all this? On my horrible show there would be no damn recap. So here’s the rest of what a typical story line would be on my show…
 
Bilbo Baggins is staring at his ring while he tells Denise to go ahead and have him checked out. That way she will have an answer her father can never question. Denise resists this but Bilbo insists, saying “I have nothing to hide. I’m not a Hobbit. There are a lot of three feet tall people who don’t wear shoes and have the ring that rules all rings out there. Your father has raised the question, it must be answered beyond any doubt.” Denise sees the logic in this and decides to take the envelope her father gave her to the police department so she can get the proof she needs. Before she leaves she turns and asks Bilbo where he’s from. “I’m from the Shire.” He says without thinking. “Where’s that?” Denise asks. “It’s eh…in the hood near South Central.” He blurts out.
 

(more…)

The Worst TV Show Ever – Part 1, by Michael Davis

The Worst TV Show Ever – Part 1, by Michael Davis

 
There’s a show on The E Network called Keeping Up With The Kardashians. After watching that show once I am now convinced we are living in the last days of The Apocalypse. 
 
I won’t even get into why the show makes me want to shoot puppies and beat old  – it just does. Let’s just say The Kardashian family is full of a bunch of elitist assholes and it is my hope that their limo breaks down in the hood and they have to ask some poor people for help. 
 
No, that’s not right. Forgive me for being so mean. Truth is, I hope their limo breaks down in the middle of a gang shootout and they are each shot in their plastic asses. 
 
Oh, by the way, the Kardashian women have HUGE asses so a bullet won’t hurt. 
 
I have sold four TV shows in my career. “Sold” meaning I had meetings at a network and they made a commitment to “develop” the show. 
 
‘Selling” does not mean the show will ever see air. Trust me, being in “Development Hell” is no fun at all. It occurs to me while watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians that I have been barking up the wrong tree. I have tried selling shows that have some kind of redeeming message and it seems what some in America really want is the stupidest crap you can think off. 
 
So I’m officially jumping on that bandwagon!
 
I have come up with the worst possible TV pitch in history…except for MTV’s Sweet 16 or The Janice Dickerson Modeling Agency. Even I can’t come up with shows worst than those.
 
Here’s my pitch Mr. Network Executive:
 

(more…)

The Michael Davis Network

The Michael Davis Network

 

It’s no secret I hate most reality television. I think shows like The Real World and The Real Housewives Of Orange County are real stupid. 
 
No, that’s not right, I like reality TV I just don’t like the “I’m better than you” attitude that some of these shows reflect. Take The Real Housewives Of Orange County for instance. This show is about these elitist bunch of middle age women who think that money and status are all there is in life. One woman on the show has a son who has serious problems so her solution is to kick him out of the house. OK, that’s tough love, I get that. 
 
However…
 
The mom is then upset that her son (who she kicked out) moved into the home of her husbands ex-wife. She is very hurt that her son would do that to her. 
 
What? 
 
This “mother” throws her son out of the house and then she is hurt because her son moves into her husband ex-wife’s house. Forget the fact the kid had nowhere to go, she could not get over the fact that he would hurt her that way. 
 
What kind of parent is this? 
 
Does having money make you a heartless self-centered bitch? 
 

(more…)

I Want That! by Michael Davis

I Want That! by Michael Davis

Wow!

What a difference a week makes! I mean can you believe what happened last week? I write a column about politics and personal choice and I get zillion comments and now the biggest event in the history of the USA political system occurs! This event makes me so proud to be a black man! 

History was made last week and I’m sure you saw it unfold on television as I did. I still cannot believe that…

Britney Spears lost her mind and went to the hospital.

Wow! I, one day will be able to tell my grandkids that I saw this crazy little twit get carted away in an ambulance. She looked like she was on the kind of drugs that make hard core drug addicts say “Oh Hell no, I’m not taking that! I’ll stick to heroin.” 

Did you see the number of police cars that were there? 

(more…)

I Like Sex, by Michael Davis

I Like Sex, by Michael Davis

 

Happy New Year!!
 
Ah, an election year! It’s time we express our will as Americans! It’s time we hear about all the grand new ideas that our candidates have to offer!
 
It’s time after seven years of…eh…of…
 
I’m not sure what the last seven years was about, but it’s time to elect a new President! 
 
As long time readers of this column know, I am a Liberal Democrat. What you most likely don’t know is I should be a Conservative Republican. Yep! I’ll say it again: I should be a Conservative Republican! 
 
Why?
 
I hate big government.
I’m tough on crime.
I believe in a strong military.
I want America to the biggest and strongest MF on the planet. 
 
There are plenty of other reasons why I should be a conservative. The reasons I’m not are few and simple. 
 

(more…)

The Top 10 Reasons I’m Glad it’s 2008, by Michael Davis

The Top 10 Reasons I’m Glad it’s 2008, by Michael Davis

 

Happy New Year!!
 
Soon it will be 2008! An entire new year! A fresh start! A new beginning! A new lease on life! I love it, love it LOVE IT!
 
Before my last rant of 07 begins, I should address some things. I’ve been asked repeatedly as to why my last two columns were a bit, shall we say… reflective?
 
Somebody even asked me why last week’s column were gloomy and downright depressing. Well, as I said in my very first column 46 weeks ago, I would always carry a real point of view in this space. 
 
My point of view.
 
I just can’t join the crowd and march to the same beat as everyone else does. As Sammy Davis Jr. said “ I got to be me.”  
 
Who is Sammy Davis Jr.? 
 

(more…)