MICHAEL DAVIS: Spanish Harlem – The New Spider-Man, Part 2
Please read part 1 from last week before reading this. Thanks!
Spider-Man: The Rice And Beans War
By Glenn Beck
When Manny awoke he was looking down the barrel of an Arizona State Trooper’s gun. He and Juan and the illegal brothers and sisters they were transporting to a better life in Arizona were all sitting on the side of the road hands on head encircled by other State Troopers.
Something in Manny’s head was tingling, as if it was some kind of warning. Manny looked around for something he did not know what until he found it, the spider he was bitten by.
“That’s your spider sense, Ese!” said the spider.
End of part 1
Manny quickly reclosed his eyes hoping to wake up from the dream soon. “This can’t be happening. OK. Get a grip Manny, get a grip.” He thought while keeping his eyes shut tight as if the tighter they were the less real the situation will be.
Manny thinks, “OK, it’s possible that Juan and I were stopped by State Troopers. That’s possible. It’s also possible that I’m on the side of the road with my illegal brothers and sisters we were transporting to a better life in Arizona. It’s impossible that the spider that bit me is talking to me. That’s just not possible. So that means everything that’s happening is not happening. I must have had some bad rice or bad beans in my rice and beans.”
“It’s happening, Ese.” Said the spider. You better open your eyes before one of these troopers take them being closed as a threat.”
“Now I know I’m dreaming! How in the world could a state trooper take my eyes being closed as a threa…”
“This wetback’s eyes are closed…gun!”
Manny opened his eyes just as the trooper pulled the trigger.
Manny heard the shot saw the trigger being pulled but was strangely calm. To Manny these things happened in slow motion, he leaped out of the path of the bullet with ease.
“I just dodged a bullet!” Manny thought.
“Yeah-you just dodged a bullet. I’ll say it again smart guy, that’s your spider sense.” said the spider.
Manny was now on top of one of the police cruisers. “Keep moving man all Hell’s about to brake loose” said the spider.
The spider was right.
One officer firing gave the other well-trained officers a reason to shoot. Each officer lined up in their gun sites a sitting by the side of the road hands on head Mexican and started shooting.
Some liberal commie witness to the shootings would later say that sitting by the road with hands on head (or eyes closed) was not an act of aggression. As if a dozen Arizona State Troopers would lie.
The liberal commie witness died before he could spread his lies in a court of law. He was shot during a traffic stop. When the officer who stopped the liberal commie witness asked to see his license, registration and proof of insurance he reached for his glove compartment and… “Gun!”
Clearly that also was a sign of aggression and the officers feared for their lives.
Manny did keep moving.
Real or not he wasn’t taking any chances. Manny figured he would run down a busy street as that would surely stop the State Troopers from shooting at him. As he ran he wondered if his new “spider sense” was affecting his vision. It was early morning and a very sunny day but Manny swore he saw people all around him falling down to the sidewalk as if stuck by lighting… or a bullet.
The police were doing their duty protecting the public by lawfully firing their weapons at him. Many brave souls died trying to apprehend Manny. They were not running for cover because bullets were flying everywhere as some other liberal commie witness told the police. That commie was arrested for thousands of dollars of unpaid parking tickets before he could spread his lies in a court of law.
Some called his arrest a set up or insane because he lost both his legs in a car crash when he was eight years old. They insist it was impossible for him to drive so neither the parking tickets or the car they were placed on were his.
As if the arresting offices would lie and doctor faked the records. The State maintains that he cut off both his legs in an elaborate plan to avoid those tickets. If anyone doctored anything it was he. His lawyers went so far as to present a fake newspaper story about the accident. How they managed to fake the TV news story and the videotape interview of him at eight years old that featured a fake visit from the then-mayor is under investigation.
Manny managed to avoid police capture. He simply stopped running after buying some bags of oranges from a supermarket. He hid in plain site by a freeway exit ramp, at one point selling a bag of oranges to the trooper who tried to shoot him. Well, selling is not quite what you would call the transaction. The trooper pulled his cruiser to within an inch of where Manny was standing. If not for his spider sense Manny would have had both his legs crushed like that lying Liberal’s… lie. Clearly the trooper was correct in assuming the oranges were a threat, So he got out of the car (gun drawn) opened his trunk and placed all of Manny’s oranges there.
The investigation is underway to find the commie liberal lair who tampered with the dashboard cam in the cruiser. Somehow they doctored the tape so that the trooper is heard saying; “Goddamn I loves me some oranges! Hey – did you see that spic jump? Shit. I could have added another 10 points to my score if he wasn’t so damn quick!”
That night Manny finally gave in and decided to talk to the spider.
“Oh, now you want to talk to the not real spider eh?”
“What happened to me? Why am I forced to live this horrible life? How did I become so fast so strong?”
“Why? This is why, your father was black, your mother Mexican and everyone knows the founding fathers did not spend a lot of time thinking about anyone who wasn’t white. There are some people in this county who still take the Constitution seriously. If it was a good idea for the white people that wrote it and the slaves they owned, then it’s good enough to ignore certain people who are dark now. Superior people do not like those who bring this great nation down with their rap music and rice and beans! They frown upon the Puff Daddy’s and Jenny’s from the block. They question the accomplishments of a Obama, Martin Luther King or a Malcolm X, and rightfully so!”
“What are you talking about?”
“Did you not just ask me what happened to you and why are you forced to live this horrible life?
“I was talking about being able to sense danger! Being able to talk to a spider!”
“Oh that. I’m a radioactive spider and when I bit you my abilities became your abilities.” That’s why you are able to sense danger and can talk to a spider!
“So that’s the reason I became so fast and strong!”
“That…and your father was black.”
“What do I do now?”
“With great power comes great responsibilities. I’ll guide you but you must listen to me, I am wise and I know what is best for you.”
“Ok! What should I do?”
“Get a pen and paper to write this all down. First, speak only English. This is America not Mexico. Go back to Mexico and apply for citizenship the legal way.”
“I was born here.”
“That ‘born here’ crap is about to be repealed, trust me. Get a jump on everyone who’s about to get kicked the fuck out. OK, keep writing. You must not date or marry anyone who is not of your race. In other words stay away from the white girls. You’re luckier than most you can go black or Latino. Don’t be gay – just don’t. If you need help with that I can find you a ‘Pray The Gay Away’ center.
“Realize that every God except Jesus is fake, period. Remember it’s not a numbers game. Who cares that Muslims outnumber Christians and they don’t believe in JC. They are wrong. Lastly-use your powers to fight evil. Evil is easy to spot and here’s why I had you write all this down, whenever you encounter someone or something that’s contrary to what I just told you, it’s evil!”
Manny thought for a second, “With great power comes great responsibilities. Truer words were never spoken.”
“I will fight evil!” Manny said as he made eye contact with the spider on the ground. For a moment they just looked at each other, then Manny lifted his foot and smashed the spider to death.
“Nooooooooooooooo!” The voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once. Manny turned around to see the one true white Spider-Man, a.k.a. Peter Parker!
“You killed my father, you fake! You can’t be Spider-Man like me because you are half black and half Latino!”
Next Week: Part Three – Revenge of the real… because he’s white Spider-Man!
Wednesday: Mike Gold
- MICHAEL DAVIS: Spanish Harlem, Glenn Beck, Venom, and The New Spider-Man (comicmix.com)
- Spanish Harlem: The New Spider-Man, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #230 (mdwp.malibulist.com)
- Times a-changing and so is Spider Man – Leonard Pitts Jr. – MiamiHerald.com (mbcalyn.wordpress.com)