ComicMix Six Plus Six: New Changes From The DC Universe Restart
As we’ve reported, DC is restarting all their titles in August… which makes everybody wonder: how is the DC Universe going to change now?
Luckily, we actually received a copy of an internal memo addressed to Dan DiDio about some of the changes (that will help bridge that gap with newer readers looking for more reality and accessibility to the DCU) we’ll be seeing after September. Here are the highlights:
- Lois and Clark won’t be married anymore. In the new Superman mythos, Clark Kent ends up with Pete Ross. They live in “Boysville” in the low-rent district in Metropolis. Clark’s newer costume will actually double as his “rave-wear” when he and Pete go clubbing on the weekend.
- Lex Luthor will never have been President of the United States of America. He will also sport his red locks once again, as he’s not only the founder of Lexcorp Hair Treatment Centers of America… he’s also a member.
- Dick Grayson will be de-aged back to 16, where he’ll once again assume the mantle of Robin… for one day. Jim Gordon figures out that Bruce Wayne, the man seeking to make young Grayson his ward, is in fact Batman… because who the f’ else would traipse around Gotham’s seedy underbelly with a minor in a yellow cape? He quickly arrests Wayne for child endangerment. Grayson is sent to the Gotham orphanage where he’ll befriend a beleaguered Freddy Freeman.
- Hal Jordan will continue as Earth Sector 2814’s protector… but the Green Lantern power rings will be prone to weakness against yellow, wood, garlic, and especially plaid.
- Green Arrow will now use a sniper rifle, because, face it, a bow and arrow to hunt super villains? LAME. He’ll also sport a Justin Bieber haircut, and ditch the Van Dyke… cause kids these days like a clean cut youtuber to such follicle faux pas.
- As part of DC’s new digital strategy, Wonder Woman’s series will be released only on YouTube, as an all “topless” motion comic. It’s been described as “like the Gotham Girls animated shorts, but with a revenue stream.”
- Aquaman will be an “all-green” hero, and his book will be printed on 100% recycled issues of other Aquaman series.
- The Doom Patrol will now be called “The Uncanny X-Factor Force Five”, and will feature Professor C, Colossal Robot Guy, Wolverine, Jean Grey (she’s dead in Marvel, so why not), and Negative Man (who for the sake of action figures will look like Batman in Tornado Strike Armor).
- Martian Manhunter will be killed off, and no one will remember he existed, or mattered.
- The following characters will just go away because it’s too complicated to license them: Tim Drake, Damian Wayne, Wally West, Bart Allen, Kyle Rayner, Guy Gardner, Killer Moth, The Phantom Stranger, all Teen Titans created after 1984, every single version of Hawkman, and Monsieur Mallah.
- The hidden reason why Zack Snyder is directing the new Superman movie comes to light as all the female characters from Sucker Punch are added to Birds Of Prey. Gail Simone is already updating her resume.
- Lastly, all issues will be numbered with .1 and/or “Dark” in their titles, to ensure maximum ease of use for new readers, and maximize hipness. All issues will be written by Geoff Johns from ideas pitched back in 1998, and the artists will be collaborators from overseas who work literally for peanuts.