ComicMix Six: Who You Want On Your Side When Zombies Attack
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching and reading
enough stuff about zombies, it’s that you need a good bunch of guys with you
when the crap hits the fan. Guys who will last. Guys who know how to handle
themselves.
So in light of The Walking Dead marathon on AMC today leading up to the season finale, these are the guys I want with me when Hell is full up, and
the dead walk the earth.
- FLINT MARKO/SANDMAN
Zombies love munching on flesh, but what if you put them up
against a guy who’s made of sand? What the Hell are they gonna bite into? While
sensitive to moisture, he can turn his body into glass. That’s gotta come in
handy in close quarters. Flint is super strong and can take on crowds and send
them reeling with a giant sledgehammer fist.
2. SOLID SNAKE
A veteran of many armed conflicts, this iconic video game
character has proven himself to be a top covert operations and infiltration
operator. He is a master with melee weapons, hand-to-hand combat, firearms, and
high explosives. Snake is one of the best guys to go to when you have to take
out a zombie quietly.
3. TED KACZYNSKI
Everyone’s favorite anarchist may not be the first guy you’d
want to get mail from, but he’s proven that he can live off the grid. When
electricity and running water are unavailable, knowing how to live and survive
become the same thing. He’s also pretty good at making dandy booby traps, so
that can come in handy with setting up a camp perimeter better than empty cans
on string.
- FRANK CASTLE/THE PUNISHER
The Punisher is no stranger to taking out scum. He is
ruthlessly efficient, brutal, highly disciplined, and has forgotten more about
how to kill people than you or I will ever know. He is single mindedly
dedicated to his goal and he never quits. While he can be just as adept at
covert kills as Solid Snake, he prefers to make a statement with gunfire and
explosives.
- RICK GRIMES
There ain’t much NOT to like about deputy Rick Grimes. He’s
equal parts Gary Cooper, Gregory Peck, John Wayne, and not just a lil bit of
Clint Eastwood. He’s an honorable man in less than honorable times. He goes to
great lengths to protect his family and his friends. When the whole world has
taken the express elevator straight down to the 9th Circle, he is
still a lawman. He’s a straight shooter, and if you’ve been reading the comic
books, you’ll know that’s kinda hard for him to do now.
THE LAST GUY
Before I get to the last guy, I wanted to pause a moment to
reflect on what a badass he has to be. This is a guy who is gonna stand with
some real stand-up men and lunatics. He has to be a “take no crap” kind of guy,
At first I thought of Rick Deckard from Sir Ridley Scott’s seminal film “Blade
Runner,” but Rick wasn’t all that good of a marksman. Tenacious, yes, but a
human wrecking machine? Nope. In fact Sir Ridley himself has ended speculation
that Rick Deckard may not have been human after all but a replicant.. This
would make him great as a first line of defense. If zombies bite into him,
tough noogies for the zombies and Rick. He ain’t human. That’s not entirely
fair to either Rick or my hand-picked crew.
Then I started thinking about other comic book badasses, and
I thought of The Saint of Killers, from Garth Ennis & Steve Dillon’s DC
Vertigo series, “Preacher.” That’s just flat out not fair. The Saint of Killers
is an unholy Force. His Walker Colt revolvers never need reloading nor do they
misfire. He always hits and kills his targets. He is immovable, relentless, and
merciless. A nuclear missile didn’t even scuff up his duster. He makes Frank
Castle look like Captain Kangaroo. Oh yeah – HE KILLED GOD. Hell yes, I’d
want him with me, but I have a feeling reasoning with a guy like him would be
tough, so this is my last guy:
- JESSE CUSTER
It would be easy to focus on Jesse with his former power to
speak with the Word of God and control anything. It worked on vampires and even
The Saint of Killers, so it’s safe to say it could work on zombies, but again
that would be too easy. It’s better to focus on the man who wanted to face off
with God to make Him answer to his creations for His sins. It’s better to focus
on the man who went to great lengths to protect his friends and stand up for
what’s right. This is a guy who would
(and has) died for his friends. I’d be proud to walk point for Jesse
Custer.
You’e not including GRIMJACK?
I was thinking of how necessary it is to have a team of operators who can not only handle themselves independently but work well as a unit. Ted Kaczynski is the only wild card in the group, but every squad needs a nutter. Frank Castle can play well with others, but I’m thinking of him primarily as a hunter and one of the first guys you’d want to walk point. Grimjack however is in different class of operators like Conan or Ogami Itto. Of COURSE I’d want them, but whether or not they’d all play nice is a completely different matter, and then there’s the same reason I passed on The Saint of Killers – it just wouldn’t be interesting with these kinds of unstoppable bastards. You want there to be some element of danger.
When you’re dealing with zombies, you don’t want “an element of danger”, you want someone who can KILL ZOMBIES. GrimJack has WAY more experience than anyone else on your list and that’s got to count. He doesn’t play well with others? He’s got more real friends than Frank Castle ever did and that has to say something. And how well is Ted going to play with others? It’s your list, man, but my list would start with the Grinner. Just sayin’.
You’re right. GrRIMJACK! Anyone who has been through several Demon Wars is who you want with you when the Zombie Apocalypse begins.
You’e not including GRIMJACK?
I was thinking of how necessary it is to have a team of operators who can not only handle themselves independently but work well as a unit. Ted Kaczynski is the only wild card in the group, but every squad needs a nutter. Frank Castle can play well with others, but I’m thinking of him primarily as a hunter and one of the first guys you’d want to walk point. Grimjack however is in different class of operators like Conan or Ogami Itto. Of COURSE I’d want them, but whether or not they’d all play nice is a completely different matter, and then there’s the same reason I passed on The Saint of Killers – it just wouldn’t be interesting with these kinds of unstoppable bastards. You want there to be some element of danger.
You’re right. GrRIMJACK! Anyone who has been through several Demon Wars is who you want with you when the Zombie Apocalypse begins.
Ash. yeah, dumb as a stump but he’s got that never say die attitude and has managed to more or less triumph over not just zombies but EVIL zombies. Some demerits on getting most of the folks around him killed and the aforementioned dumb as a stumpness. I mean he took 3 different girls to the same cabin and each one got possessed by Sumerian demons, not a a smart man at all.How about James Bond? No super powers at all but has he ever failed to deliver? Luckier than a leprechaun and if there is one thing we will need post zombie apocalypse it’s luck.hell, toss in Itto Ogami. He sends back whole armies back one piece at a time, zombies would be like slicing wheat bread.
Ash. yeah, dumb as a stump but he’s got that never say die attitude and has managed to more or less triumph over not just zombies but EVIL zombies. Some demerits on getting most of the folks around him killed and the aforementioned dumb as a stumpness. I mean he took 3 different girls to the same cabin and each one got possessed by Sumerian demons, not a a smart man at all.How about James Bond? No super powers at all but has he ever failed to deliver? Luckier than a leprechaun and if there is one thing we will need post zombie apocalypse it’s luck.hell, toss in Itto Ogami. He sends back whole armies back one piece at a time, zombies would be like slicing wheat bread.
You'e not including GRIMJACK?
I was thinking of how necessary it is to have a team of operators who can not only handle themselves independently but work well as a unit. Ted Kaczynski is the only wild card in the group, but every squad needs a nutter. Frank Castle can play well with others, but I'm thinking of him primarily as a hunter and one of the first guys you'd want to walk point. Grimjack however is in different class of operators like Conan or Ogami Itto. Of COURSE I'd want them, but whether or not they'd all play nice is a completely different matter, and then there's the same reason I passed on The Saint of Killers – it just wouldn't be interesting with these kinds of unstoppable bastards. You want there to be some element of danger.
When you're dealing with zombies, you don't want "an element of danger", you want someone who can KILL ZOMBIES. GrimJack has WAY more experience than anyone else on your list and that's got to count. He doesn't play well with others? He's got more real friends than Frank Castle ever did and that has to say something. And how well is Ted going to play with others? It's your list, man, but my list would start with the Grinner. Just sayin'.
You're right. GrRIMJACK! Anyone who has been through several Demon Wars is who you want with you when the Zombie Apocalypse begins.
See, I’m gonna cry foul. Punisher / Solid Snake / Rick… guys with guns. Give me Captain America over any of them, any day. Hell. Give me Batman over Captain America while we’re at it. And while you make a decent point with Sandman, you fail to note he’s a CRIMINAL. In the zombified world, Flint is looking after only person, and that’s Flint. If I’m picking a team… all I need is Batman, Frank Miller, and Grant Morrison. Because with that team, no one can beat the G-D Batman… and while Frank, Grant and I sit back sipping whiskey, Batman can just solve our problems.
Ted Kazynski isn’t a criminal? You have a point about Captain America, but let’s face it – when the crap hits the fan, there isn’t going to be a lot of law and order. Rick Grimes has proven himself to be that man, but even as stout a lawman as he knew that there were more important things to be concerned with – survival. If you press that as paramount to anyone – even Flint Marko – and you have a more cohesive team. Remember – this isn’t, “oh crap I need to pay bills and avoid getting evicted,” this is “oh crap, was that an EMP blast?”As far as Frank Castle and Solid Snake, their expertise in being sneaky bastards cannot be denied. Frank has loads of experience with setting up traps. Aside from being “guys with guns,” they’re also handy with knives, melee weapons, and bows & arrows.
See, I’m gonna cry foul. Punisher / Solid Snake / Rick… guys with guns. Give me Captain America over any of them, any day. Hell. Give me Batman over Captain America while we’re at it. And while you make a decent point with Sandman, you fail to note he’s a CRIMINAL. In the zombified world, Flint is looking after only person, and that’s Flint. If I’m picking a team… all I need is Batman, Frank Miller, and Grant Morrison. Because with that team, no one can beat the G-D Batman… and while Frank, Grant and I sit back sipping whiskey, Batman can just solve our problems.
Ted Kazynski isn’t a criminal? You have a point about Captain America, but let’s face it – when the crap hits the fan, there isn’t going to be a lot of law and order. Rick Grimes has proven himself to be that man, but even as stout a lawman as he knew that there were more important things to be concerned with – survival. If you press that as paramount to anyone – even Flint Marko – and you have a more cohesive team. Remember – this isn’t, “oh crap I need to pay bills and avoid getting evicted,” this is “oh crap, was that an EMP blast?”As far as Frank Castle and Solid Snake, their expertise in being sneaky bastards cannot be denied. Frank has loads of experience with setting up traps. Aside from being “guys with guns,” they’re also handy with knives, melee weapons, and bows & arrows.
Ash. yeah, dumb as a stump but he's got that never say die attitude and has managed to more or less triumph over not just zombies but EVIL zombies. Some demerits on getting most of the folks around him killed and the aforementioned dumb as a stumpness. I mean he took 3 different girls to the same cabin and each one got possessed by Sumerian demons, not a a smart man at all.How about James Bond? No super powers at all but has he ever failed to deliver? Luckier than a leprechaun and if there is one thing we will need post zombie apocalypse it's luck.hell, toss in Itto Ogami. He sends back whole armies back one piece at a time, zombies would be like slicing wheat bread.
See, I'm gonna cry foul. Punisher / Solid Snake / Rick… guys with guns. Give me Captain America over any of them, any day. Hell. Give me Batman over Captain America while we're at it. And while you make a decent point with Sandman, you fail to note he's a CRIMINAL. In the zombified world, Flint is looking after only person, and that's Flint. If I'm picking a team… all I need is Batman, Frank Miller, and Grant Morrison. Because with that team, no one can beat the G-D Batman… and while Frank, Grant and I sit back sipping whiskey, Batman can just solve our problems.
Ted Kazynski isn't a criminal? You have a point about Captain America, but let's face it – when the crap hits the fan, there isn't going to be a lot of law and order. Rick Grimes has proven himself to be that man, but even as stout a lawman as he knew that there were more important things to be concerned with – survival. If you press that as paramount to anyone – even Flint Marko – and you have a more cohesive team. Remember – this isn't, "oh crap I need to pay bills and avoid getting evicted," this is "oh crap, was that an EMP blast?"As far as Frank Castle and Solid Snake, their expertise in being sneaky bastards cannot be denied. Frank has loads of experience with setting up traps. Aside from being "guys with guns," they're also handy with knives, melee weapons, and bows & arrows.
It’d be easy in this kind of exercise to just pick characters of god-like power such as Superman or the Molecule Man. In keeping with Wayne’s slightly more down-to-Earth list, here’s my six.
Colossus. Like Sandman, he’s not food for zombies. Unlike Sandman, there is the risk of infection because he can assume a human form but he doesn’t really have to do so. He spent years “trapped” in his armored form and could, presumably, stay that way indefinitely.
Hawkeye (or Green Arrow). Hawkeye (Clint Barton) is an absolute master of his weapon–a weapon with ammo that is usually re-usable, can be replaced fairly easily, and doesn’t make a lot of noise to attract more zombies. Whether it is piercing the brain or severing the spinal cord at the neck, he can do it at a moments notice with almost no time needed for aiming. If the roamers are too close, he can cut them down with a sword. (Why do I pick Clint over Oliver “Green Arrow” Queen? I just like him better, that’s all.)
Mike Rowe. Can you think of a dirtier job than taking out a horde of zombies? I can’t.
Jon Sable. Mike Grell’s best character is an expert marksman, tracker, and survivalist. He’s also very, very good at keeping other people alive.
Bigby Wolf. Snow White’s husband is the original Big Bad. While he does have superior natural strength, the ability to become a huge wolf, and a breath power on par with Superman, he isn’t great with weapons. Good, but not great. Frankly, I’m counting on his magical nature to protect him if he is bitten. What I’d most want Bigby for is those previously mentioned attributes combined with the leadership skills that he’s grown in recent years. Tactics are an important part of survival. Also of great use to the team are his enhanced senses. He’s more likely to see and hear zombies approaching earlier than anybody else on the team.
Elektra. Not a character I actually like very much but her mastery of various silent weapons is a certain boon to the team.
It'd be easy in this kind of exercise to just pick characters of god-like power such as Superman or the Molecule Man. In keeping with Wayne's slightly more down-to-Earth list, here's my six.Colossus. Like Sandman, he's not food for zombies. Unlike Sandman, there is the risk of infection because he can assume a human form but he doesn't really have to do so. He spent years "trapped" in his armored form and could, presumably, stay that way indefinitely.Hawkeye (or Green Arrow). Hawkeye (Clint Barton) is an absolute master of his weapon–a weapon with ammo that is usually re-usable, can be replaced fairly easily, and doesn't make a lot of noise to attract more zombies. Whether it is piercing the brain or severing the spinal cord at the neck, he can do it at a moments notice with almost no time needed for aiming. If the roamers are too close, he can cut them down with a sword. (Why do I pick Clint over Oliver "Green Arrow" Queen? I just like him better, that's all.)Mike Rowe. Can you think of a dirtier job than taking out a horde of zombies? I can't.Jon Sable. Mike Grell's best character is an expert marksman, tracker, and survivalist. He's also very, very good at keeping other people alive.Bigby Wolf. Snow White's husband is the original Big Bad. While he does have superior natural strength, the ability to become a huge wolf, and a breath power on par with Superman, he isn't great with weapons. Good, but not great. Frankly, I'm counting on his magical nature to protect him if he is bitten. What I'd most want Bigby for is those previously mentioned attributes combined with the leadership skills that he's grown in recent years. Tactics are an important part of survival. Also of great use to the team are his enhanced senses. He's more likely to see and hear zombies approaching earlier than anybody else on the team.Elektra. Not a character I actually like very much but her mastery of various silent weapons is a certain boon to the team.