The Snark Files: Marvel’s Newest Team
Our dear friends at Marvel decided to share a little cryptic image… and you know how much we love cryptic images. So, let’s take a look at it, and see if we can guess what’s going on here.
- Well right off the bat, the headline reads “All new. All different.” And the ‘T’ in different is a sword. It’s obvious to us that this means that this new team, for the first time in marvel history, will consist of members permanently on fire.
- Front and center we see Warpath is his old costume, as opposed to his black and silver X-Force: Pointy Things Kill People costume. Last time we checked wikipedia, it seems Warpath left the team because he “was finally at peace”… Our guess, Warpath wasn’t at peace, he just was holding out for a team without Wolverine.
- Behind Warpath is Banshee, who as you’ll recall, has never been cool. Wikipedia said Cyclops eye-beamed him off Utopia at the end of the last X-men mini series we didn’t care about. Looks like Banshee’s back… And with it, there’s goes the sales.
- Behind Banshee are a collection of Multiple Men. Using both the newer costume and the “body sock” 90’s costume… we can only assume Marvel ran out of characters to put on teams… so why not fill out the ranks with Multiple Men! It worked in the 90s, and it’ll work now, damn it.
- To the right of Banshee, Multiple Man and Warpath are … uhh… some women. On fire. They’re in v-neck tunics, top coats, and skirts. Our guess? It’s Firestar and Frankie Raye. Why? They’re the only fire-type girls we know, except for Jean Gray. And we’re pretty sure she’s dead this week.
- We also note that all these folks are sporting glowing red eyes. This could mean they’re being mind-controlled, have all developed Cyclops-like eye beams, or that they’ve forgotten their Visene.
- The term “All New. All Different.” is generally associated with the X-Men. Look, we admit we bailed on the X-Men when we heard they were fighting vampires… but when your new team is 4/5ths Multiple Man, and Banshee? Why not close the deal, and add some of our favorite members… Doctor Nemesis, Dust, and No-Girl (a literal brain in a jar.)
- At the bottom of the image, it declare a street date of December 2010. Oh! We got it. It’s the Marvel Character end-of-the-year Fire Sale! Get any of these characters for your own project before they’re shipped off to Marvel Island. That’s right kids, Marvel Island™, where a licensee can go to quietly die until Bendis wants them on the Avengers.
Do you have any ideas? If so, post em’ below… because lord knows we ain’t gotta clue.