The Snark Files: Insanely Useless Licensed Products!
Tip of hat to iFanboy for posting the photos of this insanely hilarious find. I wonder sometimes when the folks at Marvel and DC are sitting in their big leather chairs, surrounded by rich mahogany book shelves, and leather bound editions of Action Comics and X-Force…”how far is too far, when it comes to licensing out our most awesome characters?” I imagine these big shots then puff off incredibly large cigars, and quickly use their iPads to check their enormous bank accounts. They think quickly back to a time before you could buy Spider-Man toothbrushes, Hulk official shredded purple swim-trunks, and Superman collector plates. Then they laugh their insane laugh, and sign off on any number of crazy products to be slapped together with the image of one of their countless licensees.
My case in point? Look to your right. Hostess Green Lantern GloBalls and Flashcakes! Really? Before I lay into the newest pair of uselessly licensed products, allow me first to answer those people who are already typing up their counter-snarky arguments for me. I know that DC and Marvel license out their characters in a near endless parade of products… and honestly, it doesn’t bother me in the least. As a kid, I loved my Spider-Man toothbrush, Batman underoos, and Superman halloween costume (complete with chinese macro-produced superman plastic mask that pressed up on your mouth so you got that icky sweaty film between the mask and your face after wearing the ten cent piece of plastic for less than a minute!). I don’t think it’s wrong for Marvel, DC, Image, or any other comic company to use it’s characters to snag a quick dollar from time to time. It keeps the coffers full long enough to green light actual good products, like Blue Beetle mini-series, and H.E.R.O.! Are we clear on that? Do you all understand that from here on out, my snarkyness comes packaged as a joke / satire / humorous observation? This is strictly to entertain you, my most finicky of fans. That being said… Let’s snark it up.
So DC… this is what the kids are dying for? Or did Hostess call you frantically to say “HELP US! We have all this leftover green dye from the Shrek 3D movie tie-ins, that we need to get rid of, and Marvel said no to “Hulk GammaBalls”!” And then, I imagine you, the DC Executive thought for maybe 10 or 15 seconds, and fired back. “Sure, you can make em’ Green Lantern Power Battery Balls… But Geoff Johns is in my office, and he said that we need to elevate both Green Lantern and Flash, since they are his favorite characters… and whatever Geoff says, we do. So, you have to make a Flash Cake too. Make a Flash-filled Twinkie or Speed Force Fruit Pie.” And in a few short weeks, right next to the Avengers Fruit Snacks now sits GloBalls and Flash Cakes. Now, as both a comic fan, and snack cake fan, I’m down for this. But the comic fan in me has a few reservations:
1. Am I too believe Green Lantern’s power ring is making Snowball constructs? Even by the product shot on the box, I can see only the outer layer appears to be made out of the green energy that is dispensed from a power ring and battery combo. Further more, I just went through all 257 issues of Green Lantern that I keep near my computer, and not once did I see evidence that the power ring has the capability to create sustenance. And if I were to be nice and give Hostess the benefit of the doubt, I must say that the Green Lantern power rings always assist in the mental and physical prowess of the host, and I doubt that the ring would produce such unhealthy snacks… Unless… this is all a trick produced by Sinestro, Larfleeze, and Atrocitus to fatten up fanboys, so that we can’t come to the aid of Hal Jordan when they attack! Don’t eat those cakes kids! It’s a trap!!!
2. Based on the box art, I can safely assume that the Flash Cakes are a product of Barry Allen. It’s not clear if these snack cakes are produced within the speed force (the graphics on the box make it appear to possibly be speed force related…). Since we know that the speed force can create mutli-colored fully realized constructs, thanks to Wally West, these cakes are certainly plausible. What is curious to us though, is why Barry Allen would endorse a product that, like its GloBall brethren, is an unhealthy treat. The chocolate cake, cream filling, and icing are all heavily laden with high fructose corn syrup, fat, and preservatives. Why would Barry Allen, police officer, and all-around goody-two-shoes endorse a product that would lend itself so freely to the epidemic of childhood obesity… Unless… the Flash Cakes are in fact a product of that inglorious bastard Eobard Thawne, the Reverse Flash! His M.O., thanks to Geoff Johns, is to cause all the problems in Barry Allen’s life… and what could be worse than filling up Central City and Keystone City full of wobbling weeble children! And when they clog the hospitals with their fat-filled tummies, in diabetic comas… All the doctors will exclaim “Why? Why are all these children so fat?” And then, in his yellow and red blur, the Reverse Flash will laugh his maniacal laugh as they realize it was the fun-colored Flash Cakes that drove the children to their state of sedentary sluggishness! Don’t eat these cakes either kids! It’s another trap!
So… there you have it. Hostess and DC have been duped by Geoff Johns and the ne’er-do-wells of the DC Universe, to sell you licensed snack cakes, in hopes of lulling you into a sugar-spiked coma. We recommend you avoid these obviously villainous vittles, and opt instead for a Green-hued Granny Smith, or a Flash-friendly fiber-filled Red Delicious. You’ll get the same boost of sweetness, but with some actual vitamins and nutrients. DC may not like it… but you will, next time your lard-laden butt has to walk uphill to the comic shop.