The Snark Files: The Flash in a Marathon
Well, my loyal ComicMix fans, it seems you respond to me when I get snarky. So, I figure if Daniel Tosh can rip off Web Soup and be popular, why can’t I? Sure, I’m not standing in front of a green screen, making fun of YouTube clips, or filming it all in front of semi-drunk fans who thought they had tickets to the Daily Show… but hey, I can totally make off-hand comments when people put pictures in front of my face. Case in point? Everything the Source touts as being “Cryptic”. See example A and B. But I digress! On to today’s fun. We found this image thanks to the ‘Obvious Winner‘ blog, and couldn’t help ourselves.
- Look what poor Wally West has to do now that Barry and the “Silver-Age Only” Justice Leaguers buried him in backups.*
- Hey, no wonder Jim Parsons won that Emmy. He used his Flash costume to garner votes… that cad.
- Sorry, all you Ethiopians, Kenyans, and Nigerians… y’all ain’t got nuthin’ on the Speed Force.
- Actually, come to think of it, thanks to Flash: Rebirth, we don’t even know how the damned “Speed Force” works anymore. And when we called Mark Waid for clarification, he only tried to sell us a copy of Irredeemable.
- Just to be a jerk about it, the Flash waited 3 hours, 32 minutes and 13 seconds after they fired the starting gun to begin running. He still won by 48 minutes.
- Not pictured here, but who’s also running in the race in an attempt to stay fresh in readers’ minds? Max Mercury, Impulse, Kid Flash, Jesse Quick, and Wally’s one kid who isn’t Impulse…who no one will care about until he turns into a Rogue, which is bound to happen since he had his power siphoned off by his greedy sister. And he’s part Asian.
- Flash Fact: running in 90-degree heat in a bright red costume with only his face exposed equals bugs in your teeth and metahuman-level BO.
- We were sure this was Wally West, but after a careful look at the bright red suit and full-circle lightning belt, this is indeed Barry Allen. Turns out he thought this was another “Flash vs. Superman” charity race. Silly Barry, fun comics are for kids–from the 70s!
- In accordance with his new M.O. of “causing all the trouble in Barry Allen’s life,” the original Reverse Flash is waiting at the 2-mile marker with a cup of water to give to Flash. Little does Flash know…the water is stale and lukewarm. Bwa ha ha ha!
- Because he’s still not “with the times,” Flash was nearly laughed out of the marathon for using his original Walkman, loaded with a cassette of “We Built This City”.
- Flash Fact 2: Barry uses Crisis on Infinite Secrets Antiperspirant (TM). Strong enough for a woman, but made for a boring relic, brought back because Geoff Johns can do no wrong.
Well, that ought to rile up some of you fine readers! Feel free to disagree in the comments below.
* We know that the Justice League contains plenty of non-Silver Age leaguers right now. But trust us, Hal, Ollie, and Barry sat in a diner four years ago and decided Kyle Rayner, Wally West, Conner Hawke, and Roy Harper should take a break. It’s not like Hal, Ollie, and Barry had 20 or so years to gain a fan base.