20 Endings We Better Not See On ‘Lost’

Tonight, “LOST” finally comes to an end. The saga of warring brothers, mysterious lights, smoke monsters, time travel, dimensional anomalies, lost souls and power-hungry manipulators will at last wrap up and answer many (though I doubt all) of our questions.

Whenever a series finale comes along, one can’t help but think about how other shows, film franchises and book series met their end or introduced some final twist in the last scene. So while I may have liked a couple of these when they were done in OTHER shows, here are the endings I definitely don’t want to see happen tonight in any way, shape or form:

1. Just as Jack and the Losties confront the evil Man in Black for
the last time, the camera zooms out from the island to reveal it is
actually a structure inside a snow globe belonging to an autistic child
who has imagined this entire saga.

2. Sawyer, Jack, Kate and Hurley wake up on a space shuttle to Mars
that is controlled by someone named Major Tom. We find out that the
adventures on the island was a VR program meant to entertain them during
their long voyage and a glitch in the program caused events to happen
out of order and, in some cases, created a contradictory “sideways
reality” program. “J.A.C.O.B.” (“Just A Computer Obsessed
with Backgammon”) is revealed to be the ship’s A.I. computer,
guiding them to their new life on Mars.

3. The Man in Black is defeated and Jack remains on the island while
everyone else goes home. But the very next morning, Desmond arrives in a
time traveling Dharma bus and tells Sawyer and Kate that if they don’t
come with him into the future, their kids are all gonna wind up in
prison. This trip into the future leads to the creation of yet ANOTHER
sideways reality, except in this one all the Lost characters are in a
sitcom version of their lives where people call Sawyer “Skipper”,
Bernard is able to make radio sets out of coconuts, and Charlie seems to
wear the same red shirt and hat every day. Meanwhile, Ben gets the crap kicked out of him.

4. Jack saves the day and goes to sleep in Jacob’s cabin. He wakes up
to find himself once again as “Charlie” on the set of “Party of Five.”
Lacey Chabert walks in and asks Charlie if he’s okay and Charlie
explains he just had the WEIRDEST dream.

5. The big light at the Heart of the Island is some weird time distortion called the Nexus. Jack falls in and is lost for a while, only to return from seeming death years later just in time to die unheroically when the bridge he’s standing on collapses. Fortunately, before dying, Jack kicks the crap out of Ben. Again.

6. Steve Rogers and Nick Fury return and team-up to kick the Man in Black’s
ass.

7. Sawyer finds out the Man in Black’s real name is “Rosebud”, thus
explaining why he was so angry as a child and never liked to be called
by his name. Interestingly, he never learned how to sled. After learning
this, Sawyer comes up with various embarrassing nicknames for the Man
in Black, shaming him into submission. In order to regain some sense of self-wroth, the Man in Black kicks the crap out of Ben.

8. The island is really a somewhat damaged TARDIS belonging to Desmond, who is a lost Time Lord. Desmond amazes us with incredible feats of heroism before deciding he will explore the multiverse with his family, Hurley, Jack, Claire, Sawyer and a parallel universe version of Juliet. Ben grows an intimidating beard and goes off in his own TARDIS, determined to become Master of all he surveys. Hilarity and awesomeness ensue.

9. Kate has a vision of Charlie playing the piano and then realizes
that the notes of “You All, Everybody” are the coordinates that will
lead them back home. Also, there’s something about an opera house.

10. The great light at the Heart of the Island is actually a big reality crystal that Superboy-Prime keeps punching, thus causing contradicting plot points and creating flashbacks and sideways realities that don’t actually pay off. Jack stops Superboy-Prime and punches the reality crystal himself, causing the entire series to reboot back to the pilot episode, with Jack only vaguely aware that he’s lived through these events already as he wakes up on the island.

11. Richard Alpert, Jack and Ben of Earth-1 save the world but must now exile themselves and the island to a “paradise dimension” as the sideways reality becomes the new, true world.

12. The Man in Black turns into smoke and then attacks the camera, leading
to ten seconds of black while Charlie’s ghost sings “Don’t Stop
Believing.”

13. Jack is able to defeat the Man in Black in a very anti-climatic, two second battle thanks to faulty magic wands and an overly-complicated plan by Dumbledore that relied on repeatedly saying that love is the strongest force of all.

14. The Man in Black is defeated but then Number 6 appears and steals the plane. He takes off, hoping to leave the island, but is defeated by a strangely intimidating weather balloon that seems to be alive. Out of frustration, Sawyer beats the crap out of Ben.

15. At the last moment, Kate turns to the camera and says “Computer, shut down program” and the holodeck is revealed to us.

16. The Man in Black is actually a vampire who took the whole turning into mist deal to a new level. He escapes the island but is then depressed to learn that vampires are no longer considered frightening due to the success of “Twilight.” To help deal with this, he blows up Forks, Washington and then beats the crap out of Ben.

17. The light at the heart of the island is really the hammer of Thor. And Hurley is able to lift it. Aw, yeah!

18. After Jack defeats the Man in Black, Sawyer journeys to a “forbidden” part of the island and finds the head and raised hand of the Statue of Liberty lying on a beach. He screams for a few minutes before realizing this is just some replica the Dharma people built to freak people out. Those crazy Dharma people.

19. It’s the Matrix. Duh.

20. The day is saved. Sacrifices are made. Ben is beaten up. Sawyer, Hurley, Claire, Miles and Kate all get onto the plane with Lapidus (who turns out to be alive) and he flies the off the island. As they look down, Jack has arranged stones on the island to read “Good Bye.”