Piling It On, by Mike Gold

With great power comes… bloggers.

One of the first lessons I learned writing an Internet column – both here and on my soon-to-be-revived political rant Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind – is also the first lesson I learned when I started on radio shortly after Marconi found the electricity outlet: if you say it, some people will buy it. Either way, if it’s big enough people will debate it.

Joey Goebbels had some success with this concept… for a while.

We here at ComicMix strive for responsibility, and in that spirit I’ve had a great many column ideas that I rejected simply because they weren’t true. Oh, sure, I thought about selling them to Michael Davis, but then it dawned on me I can squeeze this column out of my spiked copy. Ergo, without further ado, here’s a bunch of columns I won’t get around to writing.

Oh, sure, Marvel rebooted Spidey to much loathing, but the reboot sells and if there’s one concept in comics that is engraved in stone it’s this: “Fool ‘em once, make big money. Fool ‘em twice and they’ll double-bag it.” In this spirit, Marvel has announced two exciting new projects.

First up, Secret Invasion 2: Green With Envy. As revealed at the end of Secret Invasion 1, each and every human being in the universe turns out to be a Skrull except one! And now that one can be revealed: normalman! Jim Valentino reprises his beloved creation at long last. A crossover with Image Comics, of course, but Dynamic Forces will release the signed editions and Dark Horse will produce the figurines.

Then, the following month, Marvel will proudly announce the release of Amazing Spider-Man: One Day Too Many. Aunt May becomes a crack whore and gets busted for servicing J. Jonah Jameson. Sadly, the court orders confiscation of her teeth and she almost starves to death until her nephew Peter makes another deal with Mephisto. He gets Mary Jane back, and May is dead… for a little while. 18 parts, issued every Tuesday and Thursday and then in three collected hardcovers, then in three collected trade paperbacks, then in an omnibus edition, then an oversized omnibus, each with alternate covers.

The National Geographic Society announced today that the historical caveman paintings that were perceived by some as the first examples of comic strip storytelling were, in fact, ghosted by Sergio Aragonés.

Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain will be delivering the keynote address at this year’s San Diego Comic Con. While waiting to go on, Mark Millar will hand his thinking-mind-dog Senator Joe Lieberman (I-Conn) a copy of the first collected edition of The Boys. Senator Lieberman’s head will explode, forcing McCain to hastily pick another vice-presidential candidate. Looking around the room, he recognized Diamond Distributing CEO Steve Geppi and, fondly remembering the Geppi Museum, asks Steve to loan him the frozen head of Walt Disney.

It turns out Frank Miller won’t be directing the big screen version of Buck Rogers after all. Frank turned it down in favor of the first live-action blue-screen version of the hit musical “You’re A Dead Man, Charlie Brown.” Just wait until you see his poster!

Finally, I have a story here headlined Warner Bros Halts Hero Initiative (http://www.actorcomicfund.org/) Auction. Well, maybe that one isn’t so far-fetched. Then again, maybe they just like screwing kids with cancer.

For some reason, Mike Gold is still editor-in-chief of ComicMix.