Last week I decided to write the worst TV show pitch in history since that is all that seems to get on the air these days. My show is called I’m An Asshole If I Watch This Show.
It’s Fantasy Island meets Bambi meets Lord Of The Rings meets Don’t Forget The Lyrics meets any reality show meets Leave It To Beaver meets Cheers!
Last week I introduced you to the regulars of a karaoke bar called Ass Funk. A young Asian lady named Denise Lee had come into the bar to drown her sorrows because her daddy had presented her with what he said was proof that the man Denise was going to marry was a Hobbit. Her fiancé Bilbo Baggins assured her he was not a Hobbit and that her father was just afraid of losing her.
When last we left Denise she had fallen off the Karaoke bar stage and been pimp slapped…
Hey…wait a sec.
You see that link in my first paragraph? Well click on it and you’ll get last week’s column. Why the heck am I rewriting all this? On my horrible show there would be no damn recap. So here’s the rest of what a typical story line would be on my show…
Bilbo Baggins is staring at his ring while he tells Denise to go ahead and have him checked out. That way she will have an answer her father can never question. Denise resists this but Bilbo insists, saying “I have nothing to hide. I’m not a Hobbit. There are a lot of three feet tall people who don’t wear shoes and have the ring that rules all rings out there. Your father has raised the question, it must be answered beyond any doubt.” Denise sees the logic in this and decides to take the envelope her father gave her to the police department so she can get the proof she needs. Before she leaves she turns and asks Bilbo where he’s from. “I’m from the Shire.” He says without thinking. “Where’s that?” Denise asks. “It’s eh…in the hood near South Central.” He blurts out.
“Really? Wow. I’ve never been to the hood. Since you are so close to South Central, are there any black people in the Shire?”
Bilbo stares at Denise as if she just suggested a pimp shot Bambi’s mother because she was holding out on him.
“Black people in the Shire? Oh HELL no! Bad enough we get fairies from time to time.”
At the police station Denise sits with a young Asian officer, Peter Lam. Peter takes one look at Denise and is clearly smitten. Denise feels something also. There is connection between them. After a few moments on a police computer Peter says “Nothing yet on him, but if he is a Hobbit and his record is clean will that make a difference to you? Because I would like to take you out.”
“Pardon?” Denise says, a grin slowly fading from her face. Peter then tells her “I would like to ask you out.” The grin returns to her face but for a different reason. She’s embarrassed by what she feels. Peter sensing an opening asks Denise some questions.
“What if he’s a Hobbit with a criminal record?”
“I don’t care if he’s a Hobbit with a record.”
“What if he is a child molester?”
“I will try and get him help.”
“How about if he was a murderer?”
“I’m sure it would have been self defense.”
“What if he killed a baby who was asleep in its crib?”
“I would want to know what the baby did before it went to sleep.”
“Will you ever stop loving him?”
“How about if he was black?”
“Well, never say never.”
“So, if he was a Hobbit, child molester, murderer I may have a shot?”
“And…?” Denise asks.
“Oh yeah, and if he was black?”
“Then yes, I may go out with you.” She says as she runs out the station a big smile on her face.
As she waits for the bus outside the police station, the Beaver (from Leave it to Beaver) walks pass her then he stops and asks if she has seen Wayne Brady as he is late for an audition to the show Don’t Forget The Lyrics.
Denise responds that she does not listen to rap. The bus comes and seated in the back is Bambi. The deer is wearing gang colors and smoking a joint. Denise over hears Bambi telling a homeboy that he is looking for the MF Pimp who capped his mother.
Back at her apartment Bilbo is telling Denise that she should try and forgive her Father. Denise says that her heritage is very important to her as well but her father is sometimes fanatical about these things. “I want our children to know their culture, that’s why on the weekends and in the summer they are going to go to school to learn about their culture.” Bilbo looks at Denise as if she has suggested that The Black Sea is where black people go to swim. “No way in Hell are my kids going to school to learn about their culture. They will follow in my footsteps and protect the ring. My ring my preciousssss.” Bilbo hisses as his eyes roll back in his head and his tongue darts in and out of his mouth.
We flash forward to the present. At the bar Denise has gotten back on stage and finished her song. She leaves the stage with tears streaming down her face. Wayne Brady takes to the stage, grabs the mike and says, “That sucked. Don’t Forget The Lyrics will be right back after these messages with a special appearance from the Beaver!”
Back at her seat, Denise’s cell phones rings. The voice says “I was wrong to do what I did, that was not my place.” Denise shouts over the music in the bar, “Can we meet? I have to see you.” A short time later, in walks Peter Lam. He has a huge grin on his face. Denise greets him with a hug and a bigger smile!
She says, “I’m leaving Bilbo and you have to meet my father!” Denise and Peter are about to leave when gunshots ring out. “You killed my mother!” Bambi yells at the pimp seated with his ladies in a corner booth. The pimp yells back at Bambi, “You done shot up my pimp, deer! You dead meat!”
“Oh I love venison!” One of the pimp’s ‘ladies’ says right before she is shot in the ass. “Oh no you did-ANT.” The pimp says as he brings up his gat (white people, a gat is a gun) “You done gone and shot up one of my Ho’s. You b messin wit my mony.”
From out of nowhere Tattoo from Fantasy Island shows up. “The plane, the plane!” he screams before both the Pimp and Bambi tell him to shut up and then shoot him in unison.
“NOOOOOOO!” That scream fills the room and all eyes are drawn towards the person who said it. That person, Bilbo Baggins drops to his knees and cradles Tattoo in his arms. Tears roll down his eyes as he quietly says, “Can’t we all just get along?”
“Who’s that Hobbit?” Peter asks Denise after he radios for back up. “That’s Bilbo, my fiancé.” “Really? Well he’s definitely a Hobbit.” Peter says. “But look at him. He is so hurt by the death of his friend. Peter, I can’t leave him, I just can’t.” Denise breaks down while saying this. Peter lifts her chin and looks her in the eye. With a calming voice filled with love he says “He black too.” Denise meets Peter’s eyes “You think we can sneak out the back door?”
Bambi and the Pimp face each other from across the room. They are each pointing guns at each other. “ You killed my mother!” Bambi yells. “She was holding out on me.” The Pimp replies. I had to. It’s the law of he streets.” “Well, now I’m going to kill you!” Bambi states with hatred in his voice. The crowd at the bar is astonished when the Pimp drops his gun to the floor. “ Go ahead – just know this; I am your father.” The pimp says.
“Now, that’s just sick.” A bar patron says before he is shot by Bambi. “What are you talking about, Pimp?” Bambi asks. “First, my name is Willis, son, and I loved your mother but she was holding out on me. I had to cap her; it was about respect.” Bambi shakes his head in disbelief. “What you talking bout Willis.” He asks again. “Son, look into your heart. You know I had to do it.” Bambi walks towards Willis still pointing the gun at his head. When they are face to face Willis looks deep into Bambi’s eyes and says with a confident voice, “Who’s your daddy?”
Bambi looks into his fathers eyes and says; “You are.”
B L A M !!!
“I meant you were…my bad.”
So Mr. or Ms. Network executive, that’s my pitch! Great eh? It makes no sense but grabs you and really says “I’m an asshole if I watch this show!’ Just like some of the TV shows you guys keep putting on!
Our regular cast members will be showcased from time to time. This way we will develop their personal back-stories but pay no attention to them as we film show after show. Each week we see an even worse story than the week before. Drama, comedy, suspense are all fair game. Our guest stars could be established artists as well as new comers and any actor or actress in rehab. Let’s destroy all their careers for the sake of ratings! Hey let’s just come up with the dumbest crap ever!!
Make the check payable to Michael “jump on the bandwagon” Davis.
Michael "jump on the bandwagon" Davis is a comics creator and the founder of the Guardian Line series of comics as well as being a television producer and writer. He was a co-founder of Milestone Comics and his artwork has appeared in Wasteland, Green Arrow: Shado, Green Hornet and The Question, among others.