There’s a show on The E Network called Keeping Up With The Kardashians. After watching that show once I am now convinced we are living in the last days of The Apocalypse.
I won’t even get into why the show makes me want to shoot puppies and beat old – it just does. Let’s just say The Kardashian family is full of a bunch of elitist assholes and it is my hope that their limo breaks down in the hood and they have to ask some poor people for help.
No, that’s not right. Forgive me for being so mean. Truth is, I hope their limo breaks down in the middle of a gang shootout and they are each shot in their plastic asses.
Oh, by the way, the Kardashian women have HUGE asses so a bullet won’t hurt.
I have sold four TV shows in my career. “Sold” meaning I had meetings at a network and they made a commitment to “develop” the show.
‘Selling” does not mean the show will ever see air. Trust me, being in “Development Hell” is no fun at all. It occurs to me while watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians that I have been barking up the wrong tree. I have tried selling shows that have some kind of redeeming message and it seems what some in America really want is the stupidest crap you can think off.
So I’m officially jumping on that bandwagon!
I have come up with the worst possible TV pitch in history…except for MTV’s Sweet 16 or The Janice Dickerson Modeling Agency. Even I can’t come up with shows worst than those.
Here’s my pitch Mr. Network Executive:
The show is called I’m An Asshole if I Watch This Show!
Right away we grab them with a title that appeals to that demographic: assholes.
The Set up
It’s Fantasy Island meets Lord Of The Rings meets Don’t Forget The Lyrics meets any reality show meetsLeave It To Beaver!
A typical I’m An Asshole if I Watch This Show! episode would work like this:
A young Asian woman comes into a karaoke bar called Ass Funk. She is meek in appearance, dressed very conservatively and is wearing black-rimmed glasses. Her name is Denise Lee. She appears sorrowful as she sits alone at the bar counter. When a man hits on her, she is clearly disturbed. A gorilla sees this (yes, a gorilla) and invites her to have a seat at his table. Denise hesitates but then she sees that the gorilla is a pastor, so she allows the pastor gorilla to lead her to the table. Meanwhile, the man who made a pass at Denise is waving a stick at a tiger, which leaps over the protective fence and mulls the man to death.
The Gorilla (his name is Pastor Monkey Johnson) introduces her to the people at the table. These are the karaoke bar regulars. They are Ken, Jason, Joey, Carmen and Pastor Monkey Johnson.
The regulars try and make Denise feel more comfortable by making small talk. It is clear to every one that Denise is despondent. Denise stares at Jason at the table. Jason, leans over the table and slaps Denise. He then yells: “ Vu ittle crak ho.” at Denise, who continues to stare.
Somehow Denise now feels like she is part of something. She feels like she belongs. She continues to stare as Jason backhands her while screaming. “Sop loking at v!”
Then Jason’s name is called and he takes the stage to sing. Denise is astonished to hear the sound coming from the young man with no lips. As Jason sings “Alone again, Naturally” (which sounds like “abone violin catnappy.”) His song brings Denise to tears.
Those tears are the result of the love she now feels for Jason. That and the fact that he really slapped the crap out of her… twice. I mean it was like this:
KA-POW! WHAP! And the backhand sounded like this. POW-KA PAHW!
When Jason returns to the table he holds up his hand and asks Denise, “U booking 4 amother 1?”
Denise smiles and then joins the conversation at the table. After a while she even accepts a drink that Ken buys her. After a few more shots of 1800, Denise is more than a little drunk and now ready to sing.
Denise stumbles to the stage. She (as they say in the hood) is tore up. She has chosen “I’m still standing.” By Elton John. When the music starts, Denise closes her eyes and starts to sing…
You could never know what it’s like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there’s a cold lonely light that shines from you
You’ll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use
And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I’m coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I’m still standing you…
That’s all she got gets before she fell off the stage.
She tries to get up wiping blood away from her lips. When Jason sees this he runs to where Denise has fallen. Denise offers her hand to Jason expecting him to help her up. Jason is looking at Denise’s hand on her lips as he slaps her again.
The last thing Denise hears before she slips into unconsciousness is Jason’s voice. “U mocing v batch?” Then… darkness…
Sorry, now darkness…
We flash back to the beginning of Denise’s day; she is on the phone talking to her best friend about her impending marriage. Denise is happy and can’t stop talking about how sweet and kind her man is. There is a knock on the door and Denise hangs up and answers it. It is her father.
Mr. Lee is a small serious man who hands Denise an envelope.
Mr. Lee tells Denise that the envelope contains evidence proving that the man Denise is going to marry is a Hobbit. Denise is furious at her father, convinced that the only reason Mr. Lee is attacking her man is because he is not Asian. Mr. Lee tries to make his case but Denise pushes him out the door. Never has she treated her father in such a manner, but not even he will ruin her happiness.
Denise calls her fiancé, Bilbo Baggins. He comes over and comforts Denise, telling her that her Father is a old man stuck in old world ways and afraid of losing his daughter. He is calm and has a real nice manner about him.
He’s also three feet tall.
Denise asks how his battle with his athlete’s foot is going. “Well, not great.” Bilbo begins. “ I don’t know when I will be able to wear shoes again.” Denise looks at the ring on Bilbo’s hand. “That ring is so precious.” She says. Bilbo looks at Denise as if she just suggested a threesome with a German Shepard. “What did you say?” Bilbo snorts. “I said your ring is so precious.” Denise answers.
“Yeah, you remember that. My ring my preciousssss.” Bilbo hisses as his eyes roll back in his head and his tongue darts in and out of his mouth. “Are you OK?” Denise asks with concern. “Oh, I’m fine. My athlete’s foot makes my eyes roll back in my head and my tongue dart in and out of my mouth. It has nothing to do with the ring that rules all rings.”
“What?” Denise asks. “Nothing!” Bilbo quickly retorts. “Hey it’s time for Heroes, You got any thing to snack on?”
End, Part One.
Next week I will complete my network pitch. I have to go now. The Janice Dickerson Modeling Agency is on!!!
Writer / artist / producer / mogul Michael Davis likes typing the word “asshole.”