MIKE GOLD: Enough Is Enough

There’s an old saying in the criminal law business, particularly as it applies to those who don’t have a lot of money: if you go to jail for something you didn’t do, pretend it’s really for something you actually did.

I don’t know if O.J. Simpson ever heard this, and – here’s the important part – I don’t care. So, of course, I’m going to write a whole column to explain why.

This sophomoric little sideshow has dominated the media while our nation is sinking further into the deepest of quagmires. And by “sophomoric,” I’m referring to what O.J. purportedly did this time around, by the Vegas dog-and-pony shows with the convenient tape recordings and Imax tapings, for all I know, but mostly by the media’s asinine coverage.

Here in New York, O.J.’s getting out on bail eclipsed the also-breaking-at-the-same-time story about how Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was denied permission to visit the World Trade Center site this week. Yeah, I know, the guy hates us. Fine. But a lot of our “enemies” have toured Ground Zero in the past six years. That’s been real easy, as we’ve been incapable of actually building anything there since 9-11. Iran wasn’t responsible for the bombings, and world leaders are permitted to attend the opening of the United Nations in New York each year. Even our oldest living bugaboo, Fidel Castro, has attended a whole bunch of times. So why are we being so bratty about this guy? He hates America? Everybody hates America. Thank you, Mr. President.

People want O.J. in jail because he got away with murder. I can understand that. Personally, I wouldn’t even hire Blackwater to bodyguard him – the job’s too risky. But let’s face it: O.J. got away with it. If you want to jail someone, try one of the clowns responsible for his prosecution. We know they’re no good in court. The great irony of the murder trial is that Simpson vastly overpaid for his legal team: the prosecutor’s office was so inept Harvey Birdman could have gotten him off. Their top witness was a compromised bigot, and their best evidence was a pair of gloves that did not fit. Gee, I know a lot of lawyers, and not one is dumb enough to let that go through.

When it comes to actual threats to society, Paris, Nicole, Brittney and other stars who are allowed to drive our streets drunk out of their brains and let their babies drive their cars and snort up half of Columbia’s monthly output in an evening are much more of a threat to our safety and well-being. This isn’t a nation of laws, this is a nation with a hard-on for lynching. What we want is revenge, and we don’t want the law to get in the way. Anybody got any lynch?

It’s hard to prove a charge of Too-Dangerous-To-Live, but people go to jail for that all the time. O.J. didn’t kidnap anyone. Yeah, he said nobody could leave the room, but nobody tried to. He intimidated a couple of alleged thieves, and one or more of his pals was carrying a gun. Let’s see if the prosecutor cuts a deal with a gun-carrier in order to jail Simpson and get himself elected governor. The reason these protectors of Sin City are going through all of this nonsense is that finding 12 people who want to put O.J. in jail is a slam-dunk. People will pay to get on that jury.

And it’ll attract a lot of tourism dollars. Nobody knows how to run that hustle like the “what happens here stays here” folks. You’ll think Frank, Dino, and Sammy all returned from the grave.

You want revenge on O.J.? Just let him walk the streets. Eventually, he’ll get his.

Mike Gold is editor-in-chief of ComicMix.

For more creative ranting on this topic, we refer you to Michael Davis’ column of last Friday.