MICHAEL DAVIS: The Big Payback

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGG!!!

I had another S-No-C all ready to go when O.J. Simpson gets arrested! Damn, damn da-damn damn. As long time readers will know I have evoked O.J.’s name in the past so it’s falls on me to comment on these recent events. As I did when Paris Hilton was arrested. I was on her ass (figure of speech) long before her arrest so when she was arrested I had to comment.

How do I come to write about events and people before they become even more news worthy? Because I Michael Davis am really M.O.T.U. Master Of The Universe! Not to be confused with He-Man Master of The Universe, no I am M.O.T.U. Master Of the Universe and I have been calling myself that for well over 10 years, as my business cards and money clips proudly display. Ask anyone who knows me that’s been my line for a long long time. However over the last week or so I have gotten many calls saying that Jeremy Pivin on the television show Entourage called himself that on a recent episode. Just so we are clear, if you ever hear anyone say, ‘Hey, there goes The Master Of The Universe.’ They are referring to (wait for it) …me.

Sorry, as my friend Peter David says, I digress. Back to the idiot at hand. For those of you living under a rock or living in Atlanta, O.J. (which stands for original jerk) Simpson was arrested over the weekend for – get this-armed robbery, kidnapping and a host of other charges.

And he was arrested in Las Vegas, of all places! What a lot of you may not know is that Vegas has a less than stellar racial past. Oh you may know the glamour side of Vegas, but let me clue you in, Vegas is not the place you want to be arrested if you are black. When black people say ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.’ We are talking about bodies.

So, now Mr. Simpson is facing life in prison because of his stupid, STUPID actions in, of all places, Sin City.

You can’t make this stuff up.

When I say stupid, I do mean stupid – as in dim, thick, dense, slow, brainless, din-witted, obtuse, just plain stupid. How did this guy think he could walk into someone’s hotel room with a bunch of guys (some with guns) and rob them? Yes, he says it was his stuff. Yes, it looks like he was set up. Yes, there is a lot more to this than meets the eye.

But no one cares. This is the Big Payback.

They have piled so many charges on O.J. that even with collective bargaining he is looking at life in prison. Oh, by the way, under the law (did I just say law? That’s funny!) anywho, under the law (chuckle) this is his first offence. NOBODY gets this kind of treatment for a first offence. As of this writing, (Wednesday morning) he’s still sitting in jail. NOBODY sits in jail for three days without making bail on their first offence, unless they kill somebody.

Unless they kill somebody. Huuuummmm.

Well, O.J. did not kill anybody.

Oh, shut up for a second! I know what you are thinking; you are thinking he did kill somebody. Well rather or not he did, O.J. like you and I live in The United States Of America and in the U.S.A. O.J. was found not guilty for killing his ex-wife and her friend. So under the law (there’s that funny line again) O.J. has no criminal record and this is his first offence.

I just heard that Phil Spector the record producer might be about to walk in his murder trail as his jury is hung. I mean some girl comes to his home for nightcap and ends up with a cap in her mouth. Forget the many women who testified that Spector put a gun to their heads. Forget that, I’m sure Phil was making Ms. Clarkson some milk and cookies when she decided, "Oh let me look around this home I have never been in and find a gun and kill myself." Well it looks like Phil is about to get off. Paris Hilton, and Nicole Ritchie got slaps on the wrists for drunken antics that could have killed somebody and they throw the book at O.J. for his first offence?

Surrrreeee this is about the ‘robbery.’ Sure it is.

And we attacked Iraq because most of the 9-11 highjackers came from Saudi Arabia.

What?

Whatever. I’m sure that our invasion of Iraq after 9-11 had nothing to do with President Bush having an issue with the fact that Saddam tried to kill his daddy. Well, in retrospect it was a great move. I mean look at all the weapons of mass destruction we found!

Let’s call this what it is, this is attempt to get O.J. because they could not get him for murder and he’s black and he’s (say it with me) stupid.

I could give a hoot about O.J. Simpson, as I said he’s a stupid man. How stupid? Well once he was the darling of the media now he’s well he’s… O.J.

Because of him those two letters now mean something ominous. When they once meant safe or juice. In fact O.J. was Wayne Brady before Wayne was Wayne Brady. By that I mean everybody liked O.J. as they now like Wayne. Now Wayne is a friend of mine and we are developing an animated show together so I say this out of respect, everybody does like Wayne. Frankly after his appearance on The Dave Chappell Show now everybody respects Wayne for his acting ablitly as well as his comedy. O.J. once was universally liked but was never respected for his “acting” talent.

O.J does have something in common with a great actor, Tom Hanks. Hank’s best known role was a dim-witted Forrest Gump from the film of the same name. The most memorable scene in that movie was when Forrest was being cheered on by the famous line “Run Forrest run.’ Well once O.J. was best known for his Hertz car commercials to the cheer of, “Run O.J. run.”

Forest Gump and O.J. Simpson. Stupid is what stupid does.

The fact that O.J. is stupid is no reason to forget the law (excuse me a sec; my face hurts for laughing so hard). If O.J. Simpson was hit by a truck I doubt if anyone in the black community would give a hoot or shed a tear. The reason this scares me is because now I have to be concerned that the black man most people think is a murderer is being treated like it’s the 1950s. As of this writing no one has raised the question of his unfair treatment.

Hell, even in L.A. when the cops shoot a suspect they still take him to the hospital. Well, they do if there is videotape rolling…maybe.

I’m most concerned about the black leadership in this matter. Will they spend any time on this as they did when they recently picketed Debra Lee’s (CEO of Black Entertainment Television) home? They went to her home to protest images on BET.

That to me is just stupid as in as in dim, thick, dense, slow, brainless, din-witted, obtuse, just plain stupid. I could spend a whole article on that alone, but truth be told I’m so done with people protesting things they don’t like to see on TV when there’s an off button.

Wait, I will ask one question of those people: Why are you at home watching things you hate? That’s like hating ham but ordering a ham and cheese then picketing Subway because they served you.

Stupid.

That’s like me, hating bluegrass (sorry, Mike) but listening to it on the radio then going down to the radio station to protest.

Stupid.

Wait, I’m on a roll. That’s like having unprotected sex with a hooker, drug addict, hemophiliac, bi-sexual monkey from Haiti and suing the monkey when you get an STD.

Stupid.

One more! That’s like buying cigarettes that say on the package (and have said for decades) “This product will kill you.” And you still smoke them. Then, when you get sick you sue the tobacco company.

Wait… that one really happens.

Ok. Forget that one. How’s this. That’s like thinking that they are throwing the book at O.J. because of the hotel incident and believing this has nothing to do with his past.

Stupid.

Or to put it in the immortal words of the late great James Brown from his song, The Big Payback:

Revenge!!

I’m mad!!

That song could be the national anthem for all those hoping to get O.J. by any means necessary. Law be damned.

It’s funny that this is my 32nd S no C. That was O.J.’s number when he played football.

Well that number is up, but for all the wrong reasons.

(the big payback!!)

Michael Davis is a comics creator and the founder of the Guardian Line series of comics as well as being a television producer and writer. He was a co-founder of Milestone Comics and his artwork has appeared in Wasteland, Green Arrow: Shado, Green Hornet and The Question, among others.