Sat Oct 18, 2008 — by Martha Thomases

Sex & Gasoline, by Martha Thomases

Brilliant Disguise

The campaign is almost over. The last Presidential Debate was Wednesday. Those of us who are not Joe the Plumber may wonder what the candidates have to say about the issues that matter to us.

You can go to the candidate’s websites here (Obama) and here (McCain) to find out what they say. There’s a lot there, but it’s written in political speak, designed to offend as few potential voters as possible. Will anyone tell us about where he stands on the issues in words we can relate to?

I have my own opinions. Take a look, and you’ll see why I’ll never be elected to any public office:

• The candidates in DC Decisions seem to be running for office in the year 2000.

No one is talking about the price of gasoline. No one is talking about the war or windfall profits. No one is talking about gay marriage (the hot button issue of 2004). Maybe corporations are less greedy in the DCU. Maybe people there are more tolerant. It seems to be a wonderful place. They have a black woman running for the Republican nomination. People come to her rallies. No one has mentioned if she’s a Muslim.

• The Marvel Universe is having its own election. They get to vote for Stephen Colbert.

• There are a lot of graphic novels about cancer, including this one, this one and this one. There are no graphic novels or comic books about health insurance.  There is, however, a wonderful cartoon on the subject.

• Similarly, religion plays a huge part in our national conversation every four years. We don’t see that in comics. How would Rao vote? What would Odin do?

• Can dolphins vote in either version of Atlantis? If not, why not?

• One of the ways the Guardians of the Universe recognized Hal Jordan as a man without fear was his experience as a test pilot. John McCain crashed six planes. Would he get a ring? If so, what would his energy constructs look like?

• Judging by the ads on my television, people in this universe have an aversion to paying taxes. Rich people, especially, seem to think they are taxed more than they should be.  However, as near as I can tell, rich people (and those who wish to appear to be rich) enjoy spending money lavishly, on items such as $21 cocktails, $40,000 handbags, and multi-million dollar private jets. Why don’t we just declare that higher tax brackets for people earning more than the high six figures each year are a status symbol? Slap a LaCroix label on your tax return, and you’ll be able to get a table at the Waverly Inn.

• There’s a lot of talk about earmarks and pork barrel spending. Most people think these are bad things. Or rather, most people think these are bad things when they happen in other parts of the country, where other people get the money. I, myself, will never use that so-called Bridge to Nowhere, but I’ll bet the people in Alaska saw it as something that would help tourism. Similarly, when Hillary Clinton voted for funds for the Woodstock Museum it looked like pork to some, but like jobs to Bethel. I’d rather spend money on overhead projectors for museums than the war in Iraq. In the meantime, we have earmarked $750 billion for banks, insurance companies and brokerage houses. Can’t the rest of us have some for solar energy, windmills, and maybe a jet-pack?

Martha Thomases, Media Goddess of ComicMix, would probably be afraid to use a jet-pack because it would char her designer shoes. 

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