Fri Jul 18, 2008 — by Michael Davis

Fae Desmond Saves The World, by Michael Davis

Straight No Chaser

Europe was gone.

England put up a gallant fight but was no match for his power. France did not put up much of a fight. The closest they came to a confrontation was a giant banner that said “Please Don’t Eat Us.” The Middle East was a wasteland. Most of the United States was destroyed but still fighting.

Fighting…Galactus! Galactus the world eater!

July 23, 2008, all the superheroes were dead or dying. Marvel’s best, DC’s finest and the greatest of Dark Horse and Image. All dead. When Galactus first appeared decades ago Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic of the famed Fantastic Four, had figured out a way to stop Galactus from destroying Earth. It was the first time Galactus had ever been stopped.

When Richards first heard Galactus’ ship was over Europe before the rampage, he and the Fantastic Four flew the Fantasticar out to confront him. Mr. Fantastic would calmly approach him secure in the knowledge that Galactus would keep his word not to destroy the earth. Reed Richards was so sure of that word that when they had first met he had handed over the only weapon that could destroy Galactus, The Ultimate Nullifier.

He handed it over to… Galactus. Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic, one of the smartest men in the world... freakin' idiot.

The Human Torch flew beside the jet vehicle as always making wisecracks the entire way. The entire trip was filled with laughter and in fact the foursome had decided to take a few days in Europe after they saw what Galactus was up to.

“Most likely he just wants me to find him a world to eat that tastes like chicken.” Richards joked.

When they approached Galactus Richards said “Why are you here, old friend?” Galactus standing over 200 feet tall stared down at Richards in the hovering Fantasticar. “I am not your friend,” The booming voice of Galactus responded.

“Why are you upset with me?” Richards said, now starting to worry.

“Look, Richards this is the deal, I’m here to eat your world.”

The Invisible Woman turned to The Thing, “That does not sound like Galactus!” “You’re right, Susie!” The Thing said and then yelled at Galactus. “Hey big man, why are you going back on your word?”

“Yo man, I’m hungry!”

“What the..?” The Human Torch blurted out. “Galactus sounds like he’s been watching BET!”

“I LOVES ME SOME BET! It’s the move!” Galactus shouted with glee. Mr. Fantastic looks at Galactus with wide eyes and asks “Why are you talking like this?”

“I just gave you the 411 on that homeboy.” Galactus responded. “Since my herald has been trying to just find worlds with nobody living on them, I’ve had a lot of free time. So a while ago I started monitoring your television broadcasts and caught me some BET, Yo, brother, man that’s all she wrote!”

“But why have you gone back on your word?” The Invisible Woman asks. Galactus stares down at Susan Richards and licks his lips. “You know you kind of fine for a white girl.”

“That’s my wife!” Reed Richards shouts angrily.

“You best chill Richards, ‘fore I bust a cosmic ray in your ass.” Galactus tells Mr. Fantastic while giving Sue a wink. Mr. Fantastic tells himself to calm down and think. He needs to get Galactus back to his old self. He needs to reason with him. “Galactus, if you destroy Earth then there will be no more BET The fact that you have not destroyed Earth yet tells me that you don’t want to destroy Earth. Something inside of you wants to stop! Something is telling you to…”

“One more word, Richards, and I’m going to cosmic pimp slap you so hard that your head will stretch to Compton and snap back.” Galactus warned.

Reed Richards thinks to himself: This is Galactus’ way of telling me that he wants me to continue. I’m getting to him! Time to press my advantage.”

The force of the cosmic blast that blew Richards head and neck skyward and west was nothing short of massive.

After releasing the blast; Galactus held three fingers of each hand to the sky and shouted; “West Sideeee!”

Sitting on a bench at a Compton L.A. park, Ray Ray Johnson watched his son Ray Ray Jr. play on the Jungle Jim. Listening to his iPod playing Rubber Band Man, Ray Ray felt all was right with the world. He was thinking how much Compton had changed. The gangs were fewer, the streets were cleaner. This was indeed a place where he could raise his kids. He stopped thinking for a moment to listen to his favorite part of the song…

Rubber Band Man, Rubber Band Man, Rubber Band Man, Rubber Band…

Reed Richards head hit the pavement so hard and snapped back into the air so fast that Ray Ray did not have enough time to blink.

Ray Ray grabs his son by the hand and drags him away from the park. “Let’s go Ray Jr. We’ve moving to Connecticut.”

Reed Richards head snaps back on his shoulders before the force ricochets it into The Thing’s chest, knocking Ben Grimm to the ground. Galactus points his hand towards the two fallen teammates preparing to fire his cosmic blast again.

The Invisible Woman and Human Torch ran to place themselves between Galactus and Reed and Ben. “Galactus, BET has many uplifting programs that show a more mature side of…” Before the Torch could finish his sentence The Fantastic Four were vaporized.

That was the beginning of the end for the Earth. From that moment on superhero after superhero attacked Galactus all met with devastating failures.

Nation after nation fell. Galactus decides to take his time with the planet instead of simply draining it from one spot. Superman, while putting up a gallant effort against Galactus, asked “Why are you roaming the planet to do this?”

Galactus answered, “Oh yeah, I usually just set up shop and do my thing from one spot. Well if you must know I wanted to see the Earth, maybe pick up some honeys. I liken this to Jay Z’s farewell tour!” After telling Superman that, Galactus blasted him into atoms.

“Except I won’t be back…and neither will you HOME BOY!!!”

On the floor of The San Diego Convention Center, Fae Desmond was on her cell phone when David Glanzer approached. She held up a finger indicating to David she needed a moment to finish her call. “Yes I know that Michael Davis is having a huge party Thursday night at a hot club downtown but I’m not going. Why? I’m too busy that’s why. Yeah, I know, everybody that’s anybody will be there. Look, I’ll call Michael and have him put you on the guest list. Paul, I’m sure he will let you in. Why? Because I said so. I know, I know, that’s how I roll. Yes, you can bring Dan. Goodbye, Paul.”

The moment she hung up David yelled, “Galactus is coming!” Fae looks at the Public Relations Director and calmly asks, “Does he have a pass?” David thinks for a moment and answers, “ Fae, he’s destroying the world bit by bit and now he’s coming here!”

“So?” Fae states. “Look if he needs a room tell him to call Debbie at Travel Planners. She may be able to do something.” David watches Fae as she begins to walk away. He is about to follow her when Sam Wallace stops him; “David, she’s in the zone. You can’t reach her.” “You’re right Sam. What can we do? According to the news all the superheroes are dead. Call Jackie, she may have some ideas.”

“Hello? This is Jackie Estrada.” “Jackie, it’s David! Galactus is coming and…” “David I have a much bigger problem. Neil Gaimen’s leather jacket is missing and he won’t be a presenter at the Eisner Awards without it!”

David and Sam just look at each other.

At that moment Eddie Ibrahim is walking briskly towards them trying his best to distance himself from Denzel Washington. “Mr. Washington, I cannot get you on The Black Panel that takes place on Sat. July 26, 2007 at 10am in room 5AB.”

“You have to talk to Michael Davis; he’s the only one who can get you on that panel.” Eddie breaks into a run with Denzel close behind. “I have to get onto that panel! It’s the most fun ever!! I mean they have Method Man and Prodigal Sunn Of Wu Tang and Reggie Hudlin and Denys Cowan President and Vice President of BET and Rusty Cundieff and Dwayne McDuffie...” Eddie is now running really fast now; “ Mr. Washington I know who’s on the Black Panel. It is the most fun panel ever!”

A giant foot crushes Denzel Washington! Eddie barely avoids being smashed himself. David and Sam stare up at what used to be the roof of the convention center. “Oh Spit.” The two men say.

Galactus is here!

Galactus is preparing a cosmic blast when he is hears the sound of fury.

“Galactus! What do you think you are doing?” Fae stood with her hands behind her back. Comic Con volunteers and convention folk hurried to hide from the giant but Fae just looked pissed. Galactus looked at Fae then a smile broke out on his face. “Fae? Fae Desmond? Well I’ll be! DAMN, gal, you be looking good!” “David, Sam and Eddie were soon joined by Pam Noles, who by the way was drinking like a fish. A GIRL fish.

Pam, stopping to put the flask to her lips was wearing a black leather jacket. “Wow, Fae knows Galactus eh?” Eddie was eyeing Pam’s jacket when he said, “Fae knows everybody. Hey is that Neil Gaimen’s jacket?” Pam put on a pair of black shades as she was answering. “No. Not anymore. I mean he left it…in his room in the closet. I mean how careless is that? I figured he just did not want it anymore.”

Galactus is now on one knee grinning down at Fae. “Galactus just stop all this, reverse time so everything gets back to the way it was and then go.” Fae said coldly. “Fae, why didn’t you return my calls?’ You were my Boo baby. I loved you. I still do.”

“You were to needy, you whined all the time, you didn’t like my girl friends, you left the toilet seat up, you…” “Chill, I get it! I get it!” Galactus said. “Look, Galactus, I don’t have enough time. Just do what I ask and maybe just maybe I’ll let you sit in on some panels.”

“Done!” Galactus said and with a cosmic wave of his hand everything was as it was before he started his rampage. Except France. He let them stay destroyed. “So, what panels do you suggest?” Galactus inquired. “Well there’s the Black Panel. That’s always the most fun panel ever.” Fae said. “True that. True that.” Galactus agreed. “We have a huge announcement being made at the Society Of Illustrators L.A. panel -PLUG!- Sat. July 26, 2007 at 3:30 pm in room 30AB.”

“Sounds solid.” Galactus said as he and Fae walked the dealer’s room. You want to stop by the Insight Studio / ComicMix booth. They are doing some great work and the guys and gals from ComicMix will be hanging there too.” “Yeah, I love me some Mark Wheatley. His work is PHAT!”

“Galactus when did you start talking like this?” Fae asked. “Not to long ago sugar.” “Why did you start talking like this?” “BET Boo. You don’t like it?” Fae took a second and then said; “Oh it’s hot.”

Galactus smiled and was about to ask Fae out for some chicken and waffles when Fae said; “Oh, BET has a panel Sat. July 26, 2007 at 11:30 am in room 5AB. PLUG! Right after the Black Panel the most fun panel ever.”

“OH NO YOU DID-ANT SAY THERE BE A BET PANEL UP IN HERE!”

“Oh yes I did!” Fae shot back. “I am SO down with that girlfriend.” With that there eyes met. “Say it Fae.” Galactus asked softly. “Please say it.” Fae looked around and saw the staff all-looking at her. She decided, so what? She can give up just a little of her power, She looked at Galactus and said; “You my daddy.”

Galactus said “Who’s your Daddy?”

“You my Daddy.”

“No. But for now we can pretend…Boo.”

I hope to see everyone at the greatest convention ever in a few days. Oh and if you want a invite to the party track me down before Thursday evening and I will hook you up IF I CAN. The guest list is mighty full but if I can I will. But you must call me Boo…

Michael Davis is tired, overworked, and yet still peculiarly clever.  

Jump to comments (32)