Fri Jul 4, 2008 — by Michael Davis

Is You Stupid? by Michael Davis

Straight No Chaser

I have no real theme this week but I’d like to share some random thoughts. These are some of the things that make me ask…is you stupid? Not to be confused with “Are you stupid?” Is you stupid is a much better way to express my frustration. Just saying is you stupid sounds right in some situations. It lets the person you are talking to know they are stupid but… with a smile.

Not to long ago a good friend of mine called me and asked me to take a look at a project. It was not his project, he was shopping it around for a hotshot TV producer. I was told that this project would make a great comic book series and I was asked if I would get involved and present it to some publishers.

I have been lucky enough to close some major deals with major publishers and know some power brokers. This is outside of comic book publishers, which are no longer the only game in town for comics. As I write this I’m on a plane to New York City for a meeting with Harper Collins Publishers. I’ve been selling comic book universes to major publishers since 1996. The Action Files, a series I created, has been a Simon & Schuster universe since 1997. I’m proud to say that I saw the trend with comics and major publishers before it was a trend.

Anywho, my friend of almost twenty years tells me that he has a series that will be bigger than The Matrix. It was created by a big time producer and they want me involved. Truth be told I don’t really do a lot of pitching of other people’s projects anymore. It’s simply too much trouble. If I don’t create it, then I have little incentive to try and get it sold. As I said – too much trouble. My only exception these days is introducing young talented creators to people who may be able to help them. Help with advise for the most part because that is sorely lacking in our field.

So I’m pitched this series that will be “bigger than The Matrix!” and…

I mean really sucked as in very bad. So I ask you what do you do? Do I say, “Wow. That sucked?” Nah that would be insensitive and you know me. I’m Mr. Sensitivity. Or perhaps I say “My god, this is worst than that sitcom about slavery (a real show) that was on TV for half an episode before the network put down the crack pipe and realized what they put on the air.”

No, this called for a “Is you stupid?”

I have two dogs. One’s a happy go lucky Golden Retriever; the other is a happy to kill you pit bull boxer mix. The other day I’m walking Mac the pit bull and this lady and her kid are walking towards me. The kid, who was around six, shouts with glee; “Oooo puppy!” The mom bends down to pet Mac as if she knew me and my dog on an intimate basis. Who does that? Who assumes that it’s OK to pet someone’s dog regardless of personal space issues? I mean who is that dense to take it for granted that it’s OK to embrace your pet? So this lady leans down to pet my PIT BULL – but her kid stays put.

I say “bad idea” to the woman who is now leaning towards my dog with this huge idiot grin on her face. At this point even her kid is looking at her likes she is nuts. My dog is looking at me with a “This bitch is out of her damn mind” kind of stare. I say a bit louder to the woman “That’s a bad idea. My dog does not like strangers.” She inches a bit closer then snaps her head back in horror as my dog nearly rips her face off. If I had not held on to the leash she would have lost her puckering lips at least.

Do you believe this woman gets mad at me? She screams at me; “What is wrong with your dog?” I say “I told you twice that getting in his face was a bad idea.” “I did not hear you!” she continued to scream. “You hear me now?” I quipped. I then added for needed effect “Is you stupid?”

I was in a New York City subway station a few years ago on Christmas Eve. At the time subway tokens were $1.50. I handed the token booth clerk $1.50. ONE DOLLAR FIFTY. Remember tokens cost $1.50 each. This Einstein asked me; AFTER I HANDED HER ONE DOLLAR FIFTY, “How many?” I took a second and said; “Ten.” She started to count out ten tokens. There was a lady behind me that witnessed the entire thing and was about to say something when I looked at her and said “Is you stupid?” Now, I’m not a bad guy so I decided because it was Christmas Eve I would give away the tokens to those waiting on line behind me. No one took them. They assumed there was a catch. The only person who took one was the lady behind me. So I said to those waiting on line; “Free tokensor you can pay.” This guy steps up to me and says “Free tokens? How much?”

I have Sirius Radio. I don’t have a contract and I pay $12.00 a month. I call Sirius to ask them something I don’t remember what but I’m pitched a service contract. I SWEAR this is how the conversation went:

I see you don’t have a contract with us, would you like to sign up for Sirius?

What will change if I sign up?

Nothing, your great service will continue as is.

Do I get any added stuff?

No.

If you sign up then you will have a contract with Sirius.

Is it cheaper?

If I don’t sign up will my existing service be cut off?

If I have a contract and want to get out of it will there be a termination fee?

There is a fee for early termination.

So, let me get this straight, a contract gets me nothing new, costs the same and I will have to pay a fee if I cancel the contract. But if I just continue to pay as I am now I can cancel at any time with no fee?

Do some people sign up for the contract?

Quite a few.

Media mogul and ComicMix columnist Michael Davis is not stupid. Well, not most of the time… 

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