Thu Apr 24, 2008 10:18AM19 comments ›
Thu Apr 24, 2008 — by Alan Kistler
ComicMix Six: The Worst Superhero Names in Comics
Remember: The first alias you think of isn't necessarily the best!
You know you've talked about it with your friends. "Mr. Fantastic? He's got, like, 17 doctorates... Shouldn't he be 'Doctor Fantastic' by now?"
And let's not forget "Captain Marvel, Junior." Captain Marvel's not his father and he can't introduce himself without turning back into a normal human. What gives? And what's the deal with that Golden Age aquatic hero who called himself "The Fin?"
No matter how much we love comics, there are some superhero aliases we just can't get behind. So, in the interests of sharing our little obsessions with you, the ComicMix readers, we did our best to compile some of the worst superhero names in existence.
It's a tough job, but somebody has to justify spending their day doing it. Or at least that's what we tell ourselves.
By the way, members of the Legion of Super-Heroes have been omitted from the list, because... well, it's just too easy to pick on Matter-Eater Lad and Bouncing Boy.
Ready? Okay, then here is the ComicMix Six list of The Worst Superhero Names in Comics...
6. KID MIRACLEMAN: In the U.K., he was originally called "Kid Marvelman." That doesn't change the fact that it's a lame name. Why? Simple.
KID MiracleMAN.
You can use the word "kid" in your name or you can use the word "man," but you can't use both!
With the power of contradiction comes great responsibility!
5. BROTHER VOODOO: You're Jericho Drumm (already an awful name) and you have some supernatural abilities. They don't put you on the level of Doctor Strange, Sorcerer Supreme, of course -- but you still want people to take you seriously. What better way to earn that fear and respect than a name that makes you sound like you hang out with Dolomite and Super Fly?
Man, this couldn't be worse. What's that? It gets worse? You say that you learned voodoo magic from a man called "Papa Jambo" and that one of your signature powers is "mystic smoke?" Seriously?
Oh, we're not touching that...
4. THOR GIRL: Okay, "Supergirl" works. Even "She-Hulk" works. But Thor isn't a title or an alias used by the God of Thunder, it's his actual name. It's like calling someone "Jean Grey Guy."
But go ahead, emulate ol' blondie. Get your own bad-ass hammer, name yourself "Thor Girl" and make sure Marvel retains the copyright on that name.
What's next? "Thor, Junior?" Maybe "Thor Lite" or, if we're lucky, "Thor-Mite?"
3. SUPER-CHIEF: Ah, the good ol' days, when characters' names shouted out their ethnicities - just in case you needed a warning.
So let me get this straight: You're really "Flying Stag," an Iroquois living in the 15th century and supreme chief of the Wolf Clan. You found a meteorite that gives you super-strength, super-speed and an increased lifespan, all of which you attribute to the great spirit Manitou (even though that's Algonquin and not Iroquois).
So you figure, "Hey! If I don a buffalo mask in times of trouble and call myself 'Super-Chief,' then I can help everyone and no one will suspect that I am really the same chief who conveniently vanishes from time to time and whose absence everyone would notice since, you know, I'm in charge of the clan."
Really? That was your plan?
Moving on...
2. THE WHIZZER: Now here's a name - and a character - that's lame on so many levels. First, let's get personal - your origin sucks. An emergency transfusion of mongoose blood gave you superhuman speed? That didn't even make sense in the '40s!
And then, not only do you call yourself "The Whizzer," (because "The Mongoose" would have given away your secret, I suppose), but you have the gall to wear a yellow bodysuit.
Why not just call yourself "Rikki Tikki Tavi" and be done with it?
1. THE 3-D MAN: Um ... that's your name? That's the unique quality that separates you from the ordinary man on the street? Existing in a three-dimensional universe?

Hey, buddy... C'mere... I'll let you in on a secret...
EVERY MAN IN THE WORLD IS A "3-D MAN!"
Oh, and what's your power? You're three times stronger, faster and more agile than an Olympic athlete and you can only be summoned by a pair of sunglasses with red and green lenses? Sorry, buddy... lame costume, lame gimmick.
The fact that you also had the extra weird power of being able to sense the presence of Skrulls made me realize months ago that there was a chance you might be appearing again soon.
Sure, everyone assured me I was being paranoid. After all, Marvel would never bring back such a silly charact- ... Wait, what's that? 3-D Man is supposed to play a major role in the new Secret Invasion crossover?
Damn.
Alan Kistler once met a genie who offered to give him the powers of the 3-D Man. He beat up the genie out of principle and then stole his pants. He has been recognized by Warner Bros. Pictures as a comic book historian and can be seen in the special features sections of the Adventures of Aquaman and Justice League: New Frontier DVDs. He really wishes Marvel, DC or the kind folks at Doctor Who would realize he has some fun story ideas to share with them. His personal website can be found at: www.KistlerUniverse.com.
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Comments (19)
Rick Taylor (11:59 AM on Thu Apr 24, 2008)
Lest we forget Mal Duncan aka 'The Hornblower'.
Rick Taylor (12:03 PM on Thu Apr 24, 2008)
How about THORlene?
Brian Alvey (12:26 PM on Thu Apr 24, 2008)
I am stunned that your list of the six worst superhero names in comics wasn't filled 100% with Legion of Super-Heroes characters.
mike weber (1:02 PM on Thu Apr 24, 2008)
He said that'd be too easy.
Brian Alvey (2:28 PM on Thu Apr 24, 2008)
Oh hell, I just started reading it at number six. I should pay more attention to the intros!
mike weber (1:02 PM on Thu Apr 24, 2008)
"The Fly" - later "Flyman", i think.
"Stargirl" is a pretty lame name, too.
Russ Rogers (1:04 PM on Thu Apr 24, 2008)
I've always thought "Speedball" was a pretty stupid name for a Super-Hero. "Let's name a hero after a lethal concoction of heroin and cocaine!" Why not just have heroes named, "The Clap," " Big Dookie," and "Iron Fistula"?
Rick Marshall (1:31 PM on Thu Apr 24, 2008)
Yeah, "Speedball" was always one that made me wince... Of course, I hate to bring it up, but one of my favorite characters of all time has one of the worst names of all times, too: Man-Thing.
Russ Rogers (2:20 PM on Thu Apr 24, 2008)
I want to see a Man-Thing and Wizzer crossover! *snicker* Giant Sized Man-Thing!
mike weber (3:18 PM on Thu Apr 24, 2008)
Well, quite possibly the name came from the open, rather than the drugs...
mike weber (3:18 PM on Thu Apr 24, 2008)
Errr ... "pen"
Alan Coil (6:46 AM on Fri Apr 25, 2008)
After all these years...
someone has made me make the connection to a speedball. I just never thought of it before.
(I am such a pure and innocent man.)
Alan Coil (6:55 AM on Fri Apr 25, 2008)
I propose some additional information for The 3-D Man.
The 3-D part stands for the strength of triplicate brothers wherein he gets his extra strength, speed, stamina, whatever.
Daryl, Darryl, and Darrell.
Matt Lazorwitz (11:56 AM on Fri Apr 25, 2008)
I personally always thought Angarr the Screamer might be the worst ever.
Rick Marshall (12:17 PM on Fri Apr 25, 2008)
oooooh. good one. i forgot about angarr.
Anonymous (2:29 PM on Thu Apr 24, 2008)
At least the Whizzer's costume was yellow to match his name!
Paul1963 (3:09 PM on Thu Apr 24, 2008)
"Thor Girl?"
Seriously?
How about, oh, "Thora," which is an actual woman's name? There's even a Marvel precedent! Anyone familiar with the Sub-Mariner's Golden Age female counterpart, Namora?
Actually, some of the folks currently appearing in "The Twelve" have pretty silly names. I'm enjoying the series, but really--"The Fiery Mask?" "The Phantom Reporter?" "Rockman, Underground Secret Agent?" Yes, I do realize they're all real Timely/Atlas characters from the forties, but still...
Glenn Hauman (9:37 PM on Sun Apr 27, 2008)
A shame we limit these to six-- there should be a honorable mention for the Ten-Eyed Man.
avid lover of all things marvel-ish (3:42 AM on Wed Jul 23, 2008)
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!