Fri Mar 14, 2008 — by Michael Davis

The Moment Of Truth, by Michael Davis

Straight, No Chaser #57

Who in the world is stupid enough to go on shows like The Moment Of Truth and the Maury show?

I’ve always thought that stupid is what stupid does, but these people are just as dim as a black room. No, even dimmer. I can almost see why people go on The Moment Of Truth, they pay you cold hard cash and all you have to do is tell the truth. Of course the truth may destroy your family and spill the beans about your dirty laundry to MILLIONS of people, but, hey you will be able to buy a new car. You can ride your new car to the therapist’s office because you will need to seek help after realizing what a moron you are.

You idiot.

How obtuse are these people? Sorry, I just realized that there might be some people out there reading this who may have appeared on one of those shows. A word like “obtuse” may make their brains explode. OK, if you have appeared on one of these shows I am going to help you. First, sound it out. URB-TWOS.

Got it?

Now for the meaning; Obtuse; URB-TWOS: Your children are doomed to a life of crime, poverty or shame because you are an idiot.

Before I go on, I should tell you that I love BOTH those shows! They are like a bag of popcorn. Popcorn has absolutely no nutritional value but while you are eating it, boy does it taste good! You may be asking why I have not included Jerry Springer with these shows. I hate to break it to you, but that show is as fake as wrestling.

Yes fanboy, wrestling is fake.

Take a moment. I understand…

The Maury show has a repeating theme: the “paternity” show. On those shows men are confronted with women who claim they are the fathers of their newborn kids. The men deny it, so Maury does a DNA test and reveals the results on the show!

That’s a long way from Father Knows Best, eh?

If you have not seen the show below is a fairly accurate representation:

Maury: Please welcome my first guest, Ms. Iamaho Johnson.

Iamaho: Hi, Maury.

Maury: Did I pronounce your name right?

Iamaho: Close, it’s I-AM-A-HO. Iamaho! My friends call me Ho.

Maury: Tell everyone why you are here…Ho.

Iamaho: I’m here because I want Ray Ray to take responsibly for his child.

Maury: How sure are you that Ray Ray is the father of your child?

Iamaho: 100 million percent sure. There is NO way that this kid could be anyone else’s. I was only with him. He was my first. I was a virgin. I never even kissed a man before I saw him. He was the first man I ever talked to. I never left my house until the day I met him. I never knew what a man was before I met him!

Maury: Let’s bring out Ray Ray!

Ray Ray: Hi, Maury.

Maury: What do you have to say about all this?

Ray Ray: Not my kid, Maury.

Iamaho: OH NO YOU DID-ANT!! I am 100 million percent sure. There is NO way that this kid could be anyone else’s. I was only with you. You were my first. I was a virgin. I never even kissed a man before I saw you. You were the first man I ever talked to. I never left my house until the day I met you.

Ray Ray: Not my kid, Maury.

Maury: How can you be sure?

Ray Ray: I met her for the first time last week. The kid is two years old.

Maury: Well, I have the results in this envelope. Are you both ready to hear them?

Iamaho: HELL yeah! He better take care of his responsibilities!

Maury: In the case of Imrayraysbaby… is that’s the baby’s name?

Iamaho: HELL yeah! It’s his kid!! I named him after him!

Maury: In the case of Imrayraysbaby Johnson. Ray Ray, you are…NOT the father!

Iamaho: HELL yeah! I told you! PAY UP motherf…WHAT?

At this point the women (every single woman who has ever been on the show) runs off the stage with Maury right behind. The guy is high fiveing the audience and proclaiming that he was right all along. I ask again, who the hell are these people that would go on television, TELEVISION and do this?

Who are these people?

WHO?

Why would anyone go on a television show and do this? I saw an episode where one woman had six – I said S I X – men tested and none of the men were the father. WHY on earth would anyone subject themselves AND their families to this kind of outright moral stupidity?

I just don’t get it. I just don’t!

The Moment Of Truth sets itself up as a more mature and professional attempt to answer probing questions about a contestants life. Before the show the contestants takes a lie detector test. If he or she answers the questions truthfully on television, TELEVISION a voice over (V.O.) let’s you know rather you are telling the truth or not.

WHY would anyone want to answer probing questions about their life on TELEVISION??

This is a typical example of a Moment Of Truth segment:

Host: Susan, you have reached $25,000 by answering 10 questions truthfully. The next level is $50,000BUT the questions will now get very personal. Do you want to go on?

Susan: YES! I have nothing to hide!

Host: Your husband, son and mother are here. Do you want to ask their opinion?

Susan: (To her family who is sitting just off stage) You want me to go on?

Husband: I love you sweetie, go for it our love is STRONG!

Son: Do it Mom!! We love you!

Mother: We trust you Susan. Go for it baby!

Susan: Great! I’m going for it!!

Host: If you say so. Here is the next question. Do you wish your husband were dead?

Susan looks shaken. Her husband, who was smiling…stops. The studio audience is silent.

Host: Susan, do you wish your husband were dead?

Susan: Eh…no?

V.O. That answer is…

Susan bites her lips while she waits for the ominous voice to finish its statement. Her husband is staring at her. If looks could kill she would be D.O.A.

V.O. That answer is…FALSE.

The way the game works is as long as you tell the truth (according to the lie detector) you continue to win money, however if you are caught in just ONE lie then you lose all the money and you are left with nothing.

Well, not quite nothing. Your dirt is out there for MILLIONS of people to see. Your family now hates you and in the very real case of a woman who was recently on the show you may put your life in danger. How so? This woman confessed to the fact that she would rater be with another man instead of her husband. 

Her husband.

Her husband, who was sitting right there.

Her husband…the cop…with the gun.

After she admitted that she then lost all the money on another question.

That’s how so.

Think about it, cops are very close. You have to be when you are putting your life on the line everyday. That kind of commitment forges bonds that most people will never know. One of the most important parts of that bond is respect. How much respect will you get from your fellow officers when your wife has gone on national television, TELEVISION and told the world that she would rater be with another man. If I was married to a cop and admitted I wanted another woman there is no way I would be able to sleep. I can see it now:

Wife: “I was cleaning my gun and it accidentally went off.”

Investigating officer: “Eight times?”

Those who go on these shows and do these type of things make me wonder if people really mean what they say when they say things like, I love you or I will never hurt you or it’s just a rash.

We all have our inner demons and secrets; I do not believe that full discloser is always a good thing. In fact, very often it can be a bad thing.

Maybe we need a show called Hey stupid, shut up and keep your family.

Nah. No one would watch it.

Michael Davis labors in the television business as a producer and a writer, so he must enjoy biting the hand. He's also an illustrator, but that's Tatiana's illustration up there at the top of this column. 

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