Sat Mar 1, 2008 6:46AM18 comments ›
Sat Mar 1, 2008 — by Martha Thomases
If I Had a Hammer, by Martha Thomases
Brilliant Disguise #46
If you’re reading this, we’ve survived February, my least favorite month. If we’re going to have Leap Years (and we are), I don’t see why we can’t have the extra day in May, or June, when there are flowers and it’s not too hot yet, but the days are long and full of promise. Instead, we stretch out February.Cranky? Moi?
It’s really horrible for me to complain. I’m blessed with a family that’s only mildly neurotic, a roof over my head, a full refrigerator and work I enjoy. These facts only make me more apt to gripe, because these things should be adequate. Adequate is not enough.
So here are some things I would smash, if I were the Hulk:
• The city of New York, particularly the construction parts of it. I know Manhattan is the Center of the Intelligent Universe™, but there is no reason to drill through the surface of West Houston Street at one o’clock in the morning on the weekends. Because of this work, half of Houston Street is closed, so buses that pick up students on our block now do so on my street. For some reason, they think it’s appropriate to get here at least half an hour early, and idle their engines for the entire time. This is a violation of noise and environmental laws. Where’s my costumed vigilante?
• Talk shows. During the writers’ strike, progressives with principles refused to cross the picket lines of those programs – The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Real Time with Bill Maher – that counted on opinionated conversation. Faced with empty seats, the producers hired those willing to cross a picket line. For the most part, these people were right-wingers, apathetic to the issue, Joe Quesada, or some combination of the above. And that’s fine. It’s their choice. The show must go on. Baby needs a new pair of shoes. However, it made for rather boring talk. Now that the strike is over, there could once again be more, funnier talk, but there’s not. Bill Kristol has never been right about anything. P. J. O’Rourke isn’t funny and makes me miss Michael O’Donohue. Get them off my television!
• The problem with sweeps (and circulation-driven publishing stunts) is that, when they’re over, the rest of the episodes feel like so much filler. The strike made this worse on television, with no new episodes of anything scripted except for the odd stray series that was supposed to start later in the season. There’s nothing to watch, and my knitting is suffering. I need new House. I need more Psych. Or else I need more books on tape.
• The news media, particularly the pundit class. Hillary Clinton is not my candidate, but every time Chris Matthews or Tim Russert or some other chump starts to talk about her, I want to throw something at the television set (we need a new one anyway). Apparently, the thought of a woman with a brain, an education, and a marriage more complicated that Ozzie and Harriet’s, is too much for them. She must be a nag, a scold, a castrating bitch, an unfilled woman whose ambition takes the place of her husband’s love. It’s enough to make me vote for her.
• The Academy Awards. Much has been made about the fact that the ratings this year were the lowest in 30 years. People have posited several reasons for this. I think it’s because the Academy, like so much of this so-called elite in this country (including the comics press), hates entertainment that makes them feel good. If it inspires pleasure, it must be crap. Only dark dramas, preferably with costumes, can be art. I know that our popular arts reflect the anxieties of the culture, and these are anxious times, but it doesn’t help. Bring back the funny!
With luck, we’ll talk about something funny next week.
Martha Thomases, Media Goddess of all things ComicMix, wants to wish a Happy Birthday to Dave and Johanna.
Jump to comments (18)
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Comments (18)
Rick Taylor (7:39 AM on Sat Mar 1, 2008)
The Academy Awards sucked because the 'star' were glorified TV stars. When George Clooney is your 'biggest star', you know it's gonna suck.
John Tebbel (7:49 AM on Sat Mar 1, 2008)
Okay, now you're picking on Ozzie and Harriet. We only knew the half of it, they toured for years fronting a swing band doing comedy duets, not too many steps up from carny. By the time we saw them on the tube they were too tired to cause any ruckus, they'd been there. Maybe you're thinking of the couple in Family Circus.
Elayne Riggs (7:51 AM on Sat Mar 1, 2008)
I don't think the Oscar show itself sucked, but I think the ratings were low because not a lot of people had an emotional investment in the nominated movies.
Martha Thomases (8:46 AM on Sat Mar 1, 2008)
That's my point. While I'm not prepared to argue about the artistic merits of the nominated films (I didn't see all of them), they seemed to be, on the whole, a depressing lot. Not the kind of thing you'd spend a Sunday night hanging with.
Rick Taylor (4:07 PM on Sat Mar 1, 2008)
Let's hear it for teenage pregnancy!
Johanna Hall (9:10 AM on Sat Mar 1, 2008)
Martha has once again made me laugh before I've had morning coffee. During the week, I'd been mentally applauding the green thumb on a balcony I'd not been aware she has! Blueberries in Manhattan? WOW! But the kvetching is normal at this time of year and I think we need to start a movement for Leap Day in May (it even rhymes.) President Obama might be sympathetic.
But Martha--The Wire, In Treatment, even American Idol will help your knitting.
Martha Thomases (9:43 AM on Sat Mar 1, 2008)
The Wire, I'm all over it. In Treatment -- meh. I have my own decades of therapy (although the therapists, while friendly and competent, were not as gorgeous as Gabriel Byrne). And American Idol? Not while I have any rock'n'roll braincells left!
Melanie Fletcher (3:55 PM on Sat Mar 1, 2008)
Bill Maher is back and in fine election-year fettle, if that's of any help.
As for the funny, trust me, that is NEVER considered to be worthy of awards. Which is ridiculous -- the funny is damn DIFFICULT to do.
Melanie Fletcher (3:55 PM on Sat Mar 1, 2008)
As for new episodes -- I WANT MORE THE BIG BANG THEORY, DAMMIT! I'm missing my new imaginary geek boyfriends something harsh.
Marilee J. Layman (9:36 PM on Sat Mar 1, 2008)
LOL I always think of them as the sons I didn't have.
Uncle Robbie (11:44 PM on Sat Mar 1, 2008)
1. You should be kinder to school bus drivers, darling. Bring them piping hot coffee while they wait. (I'm sure you'd never add a few drops of Visine to each cup.)
2. Anyone who makes you miss Michael O’Donohue shouldn't just be removed from your television, but from the planet.
3. Forget the books on tape, you must have plenty of real books already. You live in New York, where you can't swing a cat without hitting an unemployed actor. Just hire a comely man with a mellifluous voice to read to you whilst you knit.
4. Tim Russert should be limited by law to only appear on the radio, even in his own home.
5. There are no movie stars left. They've all been replaced by sound bites with bleached teeth. This makes the Academy Awards look less like a Hollywood event and more like a dental hygienist convention.
Rick Taylor (5:41 AM on Sun Mar 2, 2008)
Or a three (or four) hour segment of ET.
Anonymous (9:22 AM on Sat Mar 1, 2008)
The problem isn't with the good films. It's with the crowd pleasers, which have become tired and cynical and trade on prejudices in the wrong ways. Did all the people who went to see "Transformers" actually like it? My students didn't. When we get back to popular films like "Jaws" and "American Graffiti" and even "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King," we'll see more popular films up for the Oscars and more people will watch. Why would people even want to be reminded that some of the year's top grossing films ever happened?
John Tebbel (9:14 AM on Mon Mar 3, 2008)
1.Drivers are the victims, too; they've got to breathe the stuff. They'll gladly stage where they're told to stage. Problem is the managers who picked the wrong narrow street for temporary staging.
2. Jesus makes me miss Michael O'Donohue.
5. Today's stars are woefully overexposed. Just a few years ago people knew to stay off the stage when they didn't have anything in the theaters. (They're really not interesting; it's a show.)
Uncle Robbie (9:43 AM on Mon Mar 3, 2008)
1. This could cost you a fortune in coffee. While I sympathize that the drivers are "just following orders," they don't have to leave their vehicles idling.
2. We do not disagree.
3. Perhaps that is the true tragedy of prioritizing looks over talent. "Pretty" people crave the spotlight. Talented people accept it.
Mike Gold (8:32 AM on Sun Mar 2, 2008)
I liked Transformers, and I normally don't go in for that type of movie. But I didn't care for Jaws, so what do I know.
The Academy Awards are voted upon by industry professionals and I'm comforted when they honor artistic achievement. Sure, certain genres -- like comedies -- don't get a fair shake. But overall, I have little problem with their nominations. The actual awards seem silly: usually, any three out of five nominations are pretty much equally worthy.
Valerie D'Orazio (1:09 PM on Mon Mar 3, 2008)
"Apparently, the thought of a woman with a brain, an education, and a marriage more complicated that Ozzie and Harriet’s, is too much for them. She must be a nag, a scold, a castrating bitch, an unfilled woman whose ambition takes the place of her husband’s love."
it's really unfortunate. My thought goes back to those Hillary "nutcrackers" they sell in novelty stores. some people might see them as "just a joke," but they really bothered me, because I knew what is really behind that "joke."
Mike Gold (4:21 PM on Mon Mar 3, 2008)
Hillary nutcrackers? That's silly. I mean, look at Bill. If ANYBODY...