Fri Feb 15, 2008 6:46AM23 comments ›
Fri Feb 15, 2008 — by Michael Davis
My Follow Americans, by Michael Davis
Straight, No Chaser #53
Hey, did I miss something? I may have as I don’t visit the site every day but did we not just pass one year of ComicMix?!! Where is the fan fare? Where is the celebration? Where is the love?
I’m not sure if fans know just how much goes into maintaining and producing a site like this. This is a HUGE deal. For any business to survive a year is a massive achievement and for an entertainment company to do so is nothing short of monumental! So my hat is off to the rest of the ComicMix crew! I am very proud of my small part in the ComicMix story and look forward to many more years from what has become comics and related media’s best place for great stuff!
A while ago I wrote a column about what I would do if I ruled the world. I realize now that was unrealistic at best. Ruling the world has been the mad dream of history’s idiots and I am no one’s idiot. I thought about how foolish it was for me to attempt to rule the world. That was perhaps the second silliest thing I have ever done. The first was assuming that a certain entertainment company would make toys from a wildly successful animated show I had a hand in creating. What was I thinking?
No more. Enough.
My days of unrealistic fantasy daydreaming are over. Well except for the Asian girl hot oil Michael Davis sandwich daydream. I’m holding on to that one.
But all other silly daydreams are gone. That said I still want to help my follow man and I intend to do so. So today I am announcing my candidacy for The Presidency Of The United States.
This, I can do!
I am neither Democrat nor Republican. I am a member of the Comic Book Party. We are a small but powerful party that believes in whatever I say, as I am the only member. I told you it was small.
My platform is simple. I will promise you anything. That means I will be lying to you often. Yep. I will be lying my ass off and saying anything to win. Wait, before you cast judgment, think about it. Is it not refreshing to know I will be flip-flopping like a marlin on a boat deck?
Speaking of the issues this is where I stand in regards to some of the hot topics important to the American people. You will note that I am addressing issues that we as Americans really care about.
Foreign Policy
Over the last seven years America has lost some of its luster around the world. I promise that as President I will send Justin Timberlake around the world to sing and dance America back into the hearts and minds of the world. He will bring the sexy back to America! Also this will deflect any attention from the fact that I could care less about what is going on in the rest of the world.
I will also rid the world or terrorists by nuking any country that harbor terrorist organizations.
Ka-boom! Suckers!
I am so tired of these little sucker countries that have been a thorn in our sides for the longest. So I promise that as President I will nuke them into the Stone Age.
Gone baby gone!
Domestic Policy
I will give every American ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
Health Care
I don’t know why no one has thought of this before. I will ask all Americans not to get sick…Duh.
You are most likely asking “what happens in the case of an accident,” right?
Well you have ONE MILLION DOLLARS! That should cover you. I mean, if that’s how you want to spend your money.
Major League Baseball
I will get government out of all professional sports. Why in the world are we wasting taxpayer dollars investigating major league baseball? Who gives a crap what these players inject or don’t inject into their bodies? Oh, I know. It’s because these zillionaires are role models to our youth. How about we do this: why don’t we look to parents to raise their kids so that kids don’t look to sports or rock stars as role models.
Baseball is not a sport as much as it is a business. Think not? Then stop paying these guys and open it up to those who will play just for the “love of the game.”
The Comic Book Industry
I promise that I will deregulate Marvel and DC, thus putting an end to their strangle hold on the industry. I promise to stop their reign of terror. I will NOT accept any graphic novel or mini-series deal from DC comics, as I cannot be bribed.
That is DC cannot bribe me, but if Marvel wants to give me a call they can at 1-800-OH HELL YEAH.
But I will not be bribed!!!!
Ann Coulter
I have a lot of respect of this woman. She has a real gift for makings comments that get her attention and get her paid. That said, I disagree with every single thing that has come out of her mouth from the moment she was born. I promise to tell her the truth. That truth is that she is an L.A. 2.
That means in Los Angeles on a scale or 1-10 in the pretty department she is a 2. Why is this an issue? Because she makes it an issue.
Why is this important in my campaign?
No idea.
The Economy
Remember the boom years of the Clintons? Remember the surplus? Then those fiscally, money-wise, small government, responsible Republicans took over. Now we are two seconds away from a recession. Well, I guess that million dollars should ease your fiscal woes eh? Where will I get the money? Does it matter? Look let’s be real, Presidents always find the money to pay for stuff they really really want. We can’t fund universal health care (that problem I have already solved) but we find the money to pay for not one but two wars.
Two wars where we were not attacked by the way. I also promise never to go after a country that tried to kill my father. I have no idea who my real father is, so they could have already taken him out.
As President should I attack a country because that country may have done something but there is no real proof? Hey, what kind of idiot would do that?
In Conclusion
I promise I will never, ever abuse my power if elected. I promise to change ‘”Hail to the Chief” to “Baby got back.” That way whenever I enter the room we can start off with a beat and acknowledge my black sisters. I promise to limit my State of The Union speech to two minutes. That way you can get back to Lost.
I promise that my first lady will be FINE. She is a L.A. TEN! I guarantee the French President will hit on her. Now that’s diplomacy!
So I leave you with my campaign slogan.
DAVIS:
1000 POINTS OF NEW WORLD ORDER
CHANGE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN.
Evidently, Michael Davis doesn’t read his editor’s column here on ComicMix each Monday. But we’re very grateful for Michael’s kind words and continued friendship.
Jump to comments (23)
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Comments (23)
Elayne Riggs (8:37 AM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
I'm afraid Mike Netzer beat you to The Comic Book Party by about, hrm, three or so years now...
Michael Davis (2:35 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
OH Really?? Well, I offer solutions! Not just speeches. SO THERE!!!
Anonymous (1:18 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
A 2???? That was very generous. :-)
Michael Davis (1:39 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
Yeah it was. But yesterday was Valentine Day and I did not want her to be alone in her house with a minus 3, so hence the 2.
Alan Coil (2:10 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
I wish to thank the candidate for espousing his platform so well. I hereby throw my support to the candidate. Lunatics forever!
Michael Davis (2:37 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
I accept your endorsement Alan. Say, I'm looking for a VP what do you say?
Alan Coil (2:57 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
Tempting, but I don't think you'd want me. I feel this strange attraction for Ann Coulter. She makes my adrenaline flow.
Mike Gold (5:10 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
What was it George Carlin said? Oh, yeah. "Not with a stolen dick."
Michael Davis (5:43 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
KAHN!!!!!!!! Sorry, I mean ALAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alan Coil (6:40 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
Her politics make me wanna throw up, but....................
Michael Davis (7:38 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
Dude, I'm calling Dr. Phil.
Rick Oliver (8:28 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
I think it's perfectly natural to feel a certain attraction to Ann Coulter...if you're into creatures of ambiguous sexuality. The fact that the lunatic right perceives her as highly attractive is quite telling.
Alan Coil (10:42 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
I don't think he has visitation rights at the hospital where I currently reside.
John Tebbel (5:31 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
Is anyone else getting McCain ads on this page?
Michael Davis (5:47 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
Thank you John, I thought I was going nuts! You know if I HAD to vote for a Republican it would be McCain because of his skit on SNL!
Marilee J. Layman (5:49 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
The top one is for McCain, but the bottom list is for comics.
Mike Gold (8:36 AM on Sat Feb 16, 2008)
We appreciate Mr. McCain's support of ComicMix, and anything we can do to help drain his financial coffers will receive the enthusiastic support of at least ComicMix's E-I-C.
As long as the check doesn't bounce.
Marilee J. Layman (6:16 PM on Sat Feb 16, 2008)
Yes, we like it when we get Republican ads on Making Light, too. Here we are slagging Republicans, and they're spending money that keeps the blog going.
Marilee J. Layman (5:59 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
Michael, I'm not voting for you. Over the last 24 years, Medicare (yes, you guys) and Kaiser spent $2 million on just my health care. With your platform, I would have been dead long ago.
Michael Davis (6:31 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
Pretty please?
Marilee J. Layman (7:08 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
How can I vote for you if I'm dead? I don't live in Chicago.
Michael Davis (7:36 PM on Fri Feb 15, 2008)
Good point...darn!!
Mike Gold (8:38 AM on Sat Feb 16, 2008)
You don't have to be dead to vote in Chicago. I started voting there when I was 4 1/2 years old (honest); I left the city 32 years ago and the county 22 years ago and I'll bet I'm STILL voting there. Not so bad right now; it's Rahm Emanuel's district.