Fri Nov 16, 2007 — by Michael Davis

If I Ruled The World, by Michael Davis

Straight, No Chaser #40

Everybody that hates my guts just got a chill when they read the title of this article. Michael Davis ruling the world? Oh HELL NO!

As unlikely as that scenario is (I said unlikely but nothing is impossible and I am working on it) but in the unlikely event that I do someday rule the world this is how I would roll.

How will I come to rule the world? With love, kindness, respect and with unrelenting optimism. If that fails, I am the only person who will have a powerful DEATH RAY that could wipe anyone or anything off of Earth.

WORLD POLITICS

The French will shut the hell up about how they superior in all things art. The US will recognize other countries rights. Canada will just go away. On second thought, let’s keep Canada and get rid of France.

WAR

There would be no more war. War is stupid. People who wage war are stupid. People who like war are stupid. Any nation that rages war would be wiped off the face of the Earth with my powerful death ray. See ya, would not want to be ya. Dead nation walking. Bye, bye sucker. Yippy kai yay mother…you get the idea.

The only reason to go to war is if Mars invades us. Since I will not be ruling Mars I can’t guarantee that the Martians will also abolish war.

However, I realize that Republicans need to shoot something so if and when the Martians invade us I will give the order to kick their Martian asses. There you go George W. If Mars invades us you can have at it.

Remember, I am the only person in the world with a DEATH RAY and I am watching you!

RACE RELATIONS

There will be no prejudice on Earth. All races are created equal and I will use my power to enforce that. I will outlaw all negative stereotypes and any one caught using any racial slurs would be banished to the penal colony of Detroit.

In fact, everybody will have to invite someone from another race to dinner! That’s right, because we are idiots when it comes to race relations I will mandate that we love each other. And I do mean LOVE each other. How is it possible that in the 21st Century we still have issues over the color of somebody’s skin? Racism may be even stupider than war. Being racist is like not liking water because it’s wet. Just stupid. Under my rule everyone will respect everyone else…or it’s DETROIT for him or her. Or the DEATH RAY!! I’m not sure which is worse.

Here’s something to think about: have you ever noticed that kids from interracial marriages are always beautiful? I’m not kidding. These kids are just flat out good looking! Maybe, just maybe, there’s a message there. A message that says to the world; ‘We are all one.’ Ahhhh, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Do you feel all warm and fuzzy?

You better.

If not, then “Say hello to my little DEATH RAY!!”

Oh yeah, one last thing about race relations…white people must learn to dance.

MEN

Men will learn to listen to what women have to say. Men will no longer think that the only thing important is sports. Men will put their families first and put their careers in the proper place. All men will be better fathers, husbands and brothers. At work, men will stop trying to stab someone in the back so they can climb the corporate ladder. There will be no more fighting over anything, except if we are invaded by Mars.

The term “Real Man” will only apply to those who raise a child, not just have a child.

Any man who wears his shirt opened to his navel and has a zillion gold chains around his neck will get DEATH RAYED!

Any man with gold teeth will get DEATH RAYED…TWICE!! Sorry, we will just have to learn to live without some rappers.

Any man who buys a woman “power tools” (unless they ask for it) as a gift because the man really wants it will go to Detroit. Those men who think that wealth and status make them better than anyone else will get the DEATH RAY! Men will stop obsessing over the size of certain body parts. Men will respect women and not get mad when turned down for a date. Any disrespect of a woman will result in the DEATH RAY! Men will always answer “No” when asked “Do I look fat in this dress?” by a woman. The only exception is if the woman is so fat that she knows that you are lying. In that case, if asked “Do I look fat in this dress?” The answer is “Who cares? I love you. Let’s go get some chicken!”

Remember I am the only person in the world with a DEATH RAY!!

WOMEN

Women will stop trying to make men read their minds. We can’t. Women will be OK with whatever body type they have and stop obsessing over weight. Women will be equal to men in the work place. Any woman who thinks that wealth and status are the only reason to date a man will get the DEATH RAY! When a man asks a woman “What’s the matter?” and the women replies ‘Nothing” those women must stop pouting and resume talking to the man immediately! All Asian women who like black men must send me their phone numbers (it’s for a friend; I already have an Asian woman…but we have been fighting.) All Asian women must like black men, but only if they have a death ray.

White girls named Becky will be sent to Detroit. Black girls named ‘Shaniqua’ will be sent to Detroit. Any black woman who does the neck and eye roll will be DEATH RAYED. Any white woman with plastic surgery on their lips and that orange sun tan will be DEATH RAYED!!

At nightclubs women will say “no” politely if asked to dance by a man. They will no longer shake their heads from side to side violently while screaming “With you? Oh. HELL NO!” This causes everyone in the club to know that the poor guy has been turned down and now has to make his way back to the other side of the club with his head down while everyone laughs and points.

Yeah, I’m still bitter. How bitter?  Any woman that does this will get the DEATH RAY!

That bitter.

I don’t think I have to remind you that, I am the only person in the world with a DEATH RAY!!!

Any black women who can’t take the black man / Asian woman joke will be sent to Detroit…with no curling iron.

CHILDREN

All kids will respect their parents. Kids will be taught tolerance. Kids will be encouraged to have an imagination. Kids will play OUTSIDE. A promise to a child will be kept, no matter what.

PARENTS

You will treat your children like your kids, not like your friends.

CRIME

Anyone committing a violent crime will be DEATH RAYED, no exceptions. All other criminals will be sent to Detroit.

RELIGION

People will be allowed to worship anyway or anything they want, provided that worship does not hurt another group.

No one can force his or her beliefs on any one else (unless they have a DEATH RAY!). No one will talk bad about anyone else’s religion. Any nation or group who has extreme religious beliefs and try to inflict their values on others by way of force will meet their maker…by way of Death Ray!

If you choose not to believe in anything, that is your right.

SPORTS

This only applies to professional sports. No white men will be allowed to play basketball. What’s the point?  No white men will be allowed to box. What’s the point? Black people will not be allowed to play hockey. What’s the point? NO black people will be allowed to swim. What’s the point? No black men will be allowed to golf. What’s the poi…OK, that I will let go until Tiger retires. No that’s just wrong. OK, how’s this: no white guys will be allowed to play golf. What’s the point? The WNBA will be disbanded. What’s the point? Girls will still be allowed to mud wrestle, no… that’s not right. Asian girls will be allowed to mud wrestle! No… that’s not right either. I have to remember that I’m ruling the world for the good of mankind. So with that in mind, all Asian girls MUST wrestle!

No?

HELLO! I HAVE A DEATH RAY!

Now get dirty.

MUSIC

No black people will be allowed to sing country music…that is a Death Ray offence!

COMICS
 
Paul Levitz will turn DC Comics over to me. Milestone Media will return. Marvel will have a new X book called The Malcolm X-Men. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will be renamed The Teenage Mutant Negro Turtles. Jeff Smith will do adult comics (he can keep the same title of his best-known book) Any freelancer who lies and says “My grandmother died” to dodge a deadline will have their grandmother visited by THE DEATH RAY!!

Peter Parker will be killed and replaced by that Gay Backstreet Boy. Franklin Richards will grow up. The Elongated Man will star in the film version of Jeff Smith’s adult comic book. The Shadow will make a public apology to African Americans. Betty and Veronica will kiss. There will be more black women characters in comics.

Well, that’s it. After writing this I feel I would be a great ruler. I mean, can I do any worse than the bozo’s that run the world now?  Don’t worry, I most likely will not use the Death Ray much, if at all.

Except maybe on France.

Michael Davis has a death ray.

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