Fri Nov 9, 2007 — by Michael Davis

With Great Power… by Michael Davis

Straight, No Chaser #39

It’s no secret that I think that people who worship celebrity are idiots. I mean, come on; do these people really think that Britney is thinking about them? Every night on a popular entertainment news program they have something called “Britney watch.” That is just nuts to me. This show follows Britney Spears everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE! If she goes to Starbucks there are camera crews watching her sip from a cup. I’m not kidding.

Most of the people we hold up as stars are also looked up to by many as heroes. Really? With that in mind I wondered what would happen if our super heroes acted like today’s stars.

My apologies in advance to DC, Marvel, Archie and everyone else. Hey guys, satire is good for the soul!

High above the skies of Metropolis an epic battle rages. For hours Superman and the evil super villain have traded blow after terrific blow. Neither asking for quarter neither granting any. Finally Superman looks into the face of the evil super villain and shouts, “You can’t win evil, super villain!” The evil super villain produces a green rock from behind his back. He thrusts it out at Superman who withdraws in terror! “ Kryptonite!” Superman says the word as if its very mention is painful to him. The evil super villain flies closer to Superman who is struggling to remain airborne. “Now you will die!!” The evil super villain declares as Superman plummets from the sky!

SLAM!!!!!!!

The impact of Superman’s body creates a massive crater, destroying everything in a two-block radius. Slowly ever so slowly the evil super villain descends. With the last of his strength Superman presses his Justice League emergency call button on his belt.

Then darkness…

Bat-Man and The Flash are seated in a roped off private area of a trendy nightclub surrounded by groupies, paparazzi and private security. They each have on sunglasses (yes, over their masks) and are bobbing their heads slowly to the loud disco music. A young lady tries to climb over the velvet rope that separates the private area from the regular partygoers. Before she can reach the two Justice Leaguers three big security guards grab her and wrestle her to the ground. As she falls she screams over the earsplitting music; “I love you, Bat-Man!”  Bat-Man does not even look in her direction as he says coolly; “I know you do baby. I know you do.” With that she is dragged away. The two heroes continue to bob their heads to the music; neither of them notices the beeping of their JLA belts.

“I love my kids; I do.” Wonder Woman says to Oprah. The studio audience erupts in thunderous applause. In a long stretched out tone Oprah says; “Wonder Woman is in the H O U S E!!!!!!”

“So all these reports about you drinking and staying out all night partying are false?” Oprah asks.

“ Well, not exactly.” Wonder Woman answers. “I’m under a lot of pressure and sometimes I need to get my drink on, O. You know that right? I mean what do you do when you start feeling the pressure?”  Oprah considers this then says; “Cookies.” Then turning to the audience proclaims loudly again in a long stretched out tone;  “ C O O K I E S!”  The roar of the audience prevents the smiling Wonder Woman (who is sipping from a flask) from noticing her JLA signal belt blinking.

“Darn.”  Robin is saying while standing besides the Bat-mobile gazing down at something under his rear tire. He is surrounded by cameras from TMZ.com  “Darn.” He says again and again “Darn.” The TMZ reporter is breaking this big news story live.

“This is Harvey Levin on the scene with breaking news! Robin the Boy Wonder has backed over and killed The Atom with the Bat-mobile.” The police have questioned him and it appears that the underage driver has been drinking.”  The police are again talking to Robin who is visibly shaken. “You need a moment Boy Wonder?” A concerned Policeman asks. “Darn, darn darn.” Robin repeats as if he is a trance. The policeman puts his arm on Robin’s shoulder; “ The Atom will be missed but accidents happen Robin.” Robin says “The Atom? Forget him! Bat-Man is going to kill me. Look at that dent!”

On the same block, Spider-Man has been pulled over in the spider-mobile for a DUI. As he is being led away by the cops he is screaming at the tops of lungs. “The Jews control the media!!”

At a comedy club in Hollywood, Archie Andrews is shouting from the stage. “He’s an N-word! There goes a N-word!”

Plastic Man sits in the green room of The Tonight Show. He looks calm but he is worried, very worried. He is going over the conversation with his agent he had just scant hours ago.

Agent: Look Plas, just deny, deny, deny. They can’t prove anything; it could be anybody on that videotape!
Plastic Man: But it’s me! They will see me! Everybody will know it’s me!
Agent: How will they know?
Plastic Man: Hello? I’m Plastic Man! I can stretch any part of my body! They will know that’s me!
Agent: People are stupid. Look at the “Weapons of mass destruction” line. Trust me, deny, deny, deny.

Some time later Jay Leno is addressing his Tonight Show audience after finishing his monologue:

“Help me welcome my first guest, Plastic Man!”  Plastic Man comes out, bows nervously then takes a seat next to Jay. “So.” Jay begins “ What’s up with the sex tape? Is that you?”  Plastic Man smiles shyly; “That’s not me Jay.” He says. Leno gives the audience a Who is this guy kidding? look, then says; “It sure does look like you.” Plastic Man looks off stage towards his manger who is silently mouthing the word ‘Deny.’

“Nope, not me.” Is his response. “Really? Well let’s look at he tape. Or rather let’s look at what we can of the tape.”  In the wings the agent is shaking his head and still mouthing the words “deny.”

The tape starts to roll; on the tape is clearly Plastic Man. He is with two young ladies in a hotel room who are smiling at him. On the tape:

Girl 1: Are you really Plastic Man?
Plastic Man: I sure am.
Girl 2: Show us!

Plastic Man stretches his arm so that it spells out. I’m Plastic Man! All the time he is looking at the camera and proclaiming loudly in a sing-song voice “ I’m Plastic Man, Plastic Man, stretch my body any way I can! Look out here comes Plastic Man! That’s who I am, Plastic Man!”

Jay has stopped the tape and is looking at Plastic Man. The audience is laughing loudly. “Still say that’s not you? Come on Plas!” Jay says. Plastic Man steals another glance at his agent, who is now holding a sign that says: Deny! Tell them anything else but deny!

“It’s not me Jay.” He says turning his attention back to Jay. “Well who else could it be?” Jay asks. “Mr. Fantastic.” Is the quick response from Plastic Man. Jay looks at the audience and says; “ Well, I hope the Invisible Woman does not find out!” Jay blurts out. Sensing an opening Plastic Man shouts “ How do you know she wasn’t in the room?”

This brings the audience into hysterics! In the moments that follow Plastic Man relaxes and joins the fun, he does not notice his JLA belt is buzzing.

In New York’s Police Plaza there is a press conference being held. The police spokesman is speaking to a huge crowd of reporters and onlookers. “ We just arrested Animal Man a few moments ago on animal cruelty charges. I will now take questions.”

Reporter: What did he do?
Spokesman: He was fighting dogs.
Reporter 2: Like Michael Vick?
Spokesman: Not quite, this was different.
Reporter 3: How so?
Spokesman: He was fighting Krypto.
Reporter 1: Superman’s dog??
Spokesman: Yes.
Reporter 2: Any other well-known dogs involved?
Spokesman: Yes, I’m sorry to say that Snoopy is dead.
Reporter 2: SNOOPY!?
Spokesman: Yes, and Bat Hound, Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, ToTo and Pluto.
Reporter 2: All dead?
Spokesman: Yes. Under Dog is in serious condition but holding on.

Some one hands the spokesman a note. He reads it then addresses the crowd again.

Spokesman: Sorry to say that Under Dog has died. So has Scooby Doo and Dynomutt.

In the back of an ASPCA van Krypto (wearing sunglasses and a kryptonite collar) is unable to answer his master’s emergency call.

Back at battle site, the evil super villain stands above Superman. The evil super villain has his hands on his hips and is proclaiming loudly; “I beat Superman!”  Superman is using sheer will power to try and rise to his feet. The evil super villain has now produced a handgun and is loading it with a kryptonite bullet.

Once loaded he points the gun at Superman’s head. “You were great in your day, Superman. But now it’s time to di…” Before the evil super villain can finish his sentence he is struck by a ray and vanishes.

Superman looks up to see Lois Lane standing there holding the Phantom Zone Projector. “Lois! You saved me!” He shouts with glee!

An excited Superman reaches out to embrace her. Before he can a man steps in front of him and hands him a stack of papers. “You’ve been served.” The man says before quickly walking away. “Lois; what is this?” Superman asks. “You’re late on your child payments and I’m taking you to court. I want half of everything, CLARK!”

“Lois people can hear you. Calm down.” Superman says as he notices a crowd growing. “Calm down? I’ll calm down when you live up to your responsibilities CLARK KENT!”

And so it goes. Obviously our superheroes will never act like this, for if they did they would cease to be heroes known the world over for standing for good. We would not accept them any other way.

It’s clear we won’t accept our imaginary stars acting in the above manner. I wonder why we accept our real stars acting like this? Or to put it another way, Britney Spears has been a train wreck for over a year now. There are all these people who say she is a terrible mother, a terrible role model. We should send her a message.

Here’s the message we just sent her.

Her album came out last week…at number 1.

That will teach her.

Michael Davis is a comics creator and the founder of the Guardian Line series of comics as well as being a television producer and writer. He was a co-founder of Milestone Comics and his artwork has appeared in Wasteland, Green Arrow: Shado, Green Hornet and The Question, among others.

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