Fri Oct 12, 2007 — by Michael Davis

Michael Davis: The Fanboy Guide to Girls • Part 2

Straight, No Chaser #35

Welcome to the first Fanboy Guide To Girls Dating Review And Quiz! Judging from the comments and dirty looks I’ve been getting since last week’s column I see that there is a need for this type of high quality help for many of our Fanboy Nation!

Fanboy Nation trademark and copyright Michael Davis. You never know when something will catch on!

So, young Fanboy, you have your sights set on a young lady. She’s cute and you are trying to work up the nerve ask her out. Great! So here is a step-by-step guide to get her to say YES and begin your loving relationship…with a girl!

Step 1: Say hello to the lady in question and after she says hello to you… leave! That’s right, just give a taste of your coolness and walk away. Chicks dig a man of mystery!

Step 2: A day or so later walk up to her again, look her in the eyes and say,  “I would like to have lunch with you.” Don’t forget to smile – unless you have gold teeth like those idiot rappers. When she says yes, you tell her where to meet you and walk away. If she says no, you calmly look at her and say “Oh I’m sorry I wasn’t talking to you.”

So now you have a date! That is, if she said yes. If she said no just repeat steps 1 and 2 until you get a yes. Eventually someone will say yes. They will most likely have hairy legs, man-hands and a mustache but you are a man and man’s got to do what a man’s got to do…even if it is with Ms. Bigfoot.

Why a lunch date? Why lunch and not the movies or dinner?  Lunch is safe, buddy. Safe for you, safe for her. It’s safe for you for two reasons: lunch is cheaper than dinner, and if things go bad then you still have the rest of the day to go home fire up the old 360 and play Biosphere (one of the greatest video games ever!) It’s safe for her because it’s in the daytime and if she needs to make a hasty getaway she won’t have to run away from you in the dark.

Lunch is also a great time for you to talk to each other. Actually she will be talking and you will be doing what?

DUDE!!!! Nod and smile, nod and smile!!! If need be, refer to last week’s article! Hey! Pay attention, Fanboy!

So there you are at lunch. She is talking and you are nodding and smiling (with the occasional question asked about her cat, then back to nodding and smiling.) With lunch a success you bid her goodbye. She will expect you to try and kiss her…don’t. Oh, no buddy, that’s what she will expect – but you play it cool. Also you are a geek and you want your first kiss to be special.

Now if she goes in to plant a kiss on you try not to panic. Think of something calming and say that over and over to yourself, try this:

Frank Miller is God.
Frank Miller is God.
Frank Miller is God.

No, on second thought that may be too much excitement for your first kiss. Try this instead:

PS3 Sucks
PS3 Sucks
PS3 Sucks
 
Now with your nerves calmed offer her your cheek. If she goes for your lips pucker slightly and pretend you are blowing out a candle. That’s what a kiss is, buddy. Yeah that’s right! Mystery solved! When your lips touch try to stop your knees from shaking. Don’t linger! Get in and get out before she smells the Skittles on your breath!

Now, say to her; “I’ll call you.” Smile and walk away. Don’t look back. If you have done your job she is already busy texting her friends and telling them about you!

OMG!
What happened?
He listened to me! I think I’m in Love!!
LOL!

If you have failed she will still text her friends.

OMG!
What happened?
WHAT A GEEK! HE WORE A BATMAN MASK TO LUNCH!
LMAO!

How long do you wait to call her? It depends. But under no circumstances do you call that day. In fact when you are ready for an advanced date (at night) you would wait for her to call you. However, in this case give it an at least a day and then call her. When you do call her, have something to say in advance. This is where many Fanboys go wrong they call a girl and have nothing to say:

Girl: Hello?
Fanboy: Hi.
Girl:
Fanboy:
Girl: Hello?
Fanboy: Hi.
Girl:
Fanboy:
Girl: HELLO?
Fanboy: Hi?
Girl: Who is this?
Fanboy: Glenn.
Girl:
Fanboy:
Girl: What do you want??
Fanboy: Hi, this is Glenn.

<Click>

If you have been paying attention to these words or wisdom your call should go like this:

Girl: Hello?
Fanboy: Hi.
Fanboy: Did you enjoy our lunch the other day?
Girl: Oh, hi Glenn!! Why yes I did! Did you?
 
This is an important moment in your relationship dude! The thing to remember is not to blow it! So what do you say?
A)    Yes
B)    Yeah, but I wish you would have chipped in.
C)    Duh, why do you think I’m calling?

The answer is A. If you choose anything other than A after these last two articles then you are just (how do I put this? Oh yeah…) STUPID.

Now let’s look at what will happen when you handle it the right way.

Boy: Yeah.
Girl: Wow, so did I. We should do it again!
Fanboy: Maybe we will. Call me.
Girl: Do you have to go?
Fanboy: Yeah. (Notice one word mysterious answers. NEVER explain)
Girl: Awww. Can you talk a bit more?
Fanboy: No.
Girl: OK. I’ll call you bye.
Fanboy: Bye.

Now after this phone call, she will once again a text her friend.

OMG! Glenn is so cool!
What happened?
He called me! I want his baby!
Really?
Really!
OMG!
YES OMG!
Did he ask you out?
He told me to call him.
OMG! Will you?
4 sure!
OMG!

I think you are now ready for your quiz!

1) When you see a girl you want to date, you:
A)    Walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her to lunch.
B)    Send her an anonymous love letter on My Space professing your love.
C)    Invite her to your virtual love pad in Second Life.

2) You are on your lunch date she is talking. Do you;
A)    Nod and smile. Nod and smile.
B)    Stare at her as you play the how long can I stare without blinking game with yourself.
C)    Ask her to guess how many cards in the Magic The Gathering game there are.

3) How long do you wait to call after a successful date?
A)    At least one day.
B)    Call her cell from your cell while you are still at lunch and say “Look at my mouth, there’s a two second delay between what I say and when you hear it! It’s like we are in a badly dubbed Kung Fu movie! Cool, eh??”
C)    Three way call her with your friend on the line the same day as your date proving to him that you did go on a date…with a girl!

4) She moves in to kiss you, do you;
A)    Offer her your cheek, because you are cool.
B)    Stop her and say “The needs of the many out way the needs of the few (dramatic pause) or the one! Then turn and quickly walk away.
C)    Quickly grab your cell camera point it at the both of you as you pucker up and say “Wow, Brian has to believe me now!”

5) The very first time you see the lady, you want to ask out; you:
A)    Say hello then leave! Giving her a taste of your coolness by walking away.
B)    Walk behind her and look at her butt and sing loudly “ I like big butts and I can not lie!”
C)    Think real hard and hope she picks up your telepathic love waves!

6) Girls Dig:
A)    Men of Mystery!
B)    Men without hats!
C)    Men in Black!

Take a moment and go over your answers again. All righty then, let’s see what we have here. Ready? If you answered anything other than ‘A’ for any question you should continue your membership in that video store that has the special back room that you enter though a black curtain.

I’m sure that’s not the case. I’m positive that you aced this test and that you are well on your way to a (dare I say it? YES, I SHALL!) on your way to a girlfriend!!

Well good luck, my friend! Do the rest of us fanboys proud!

As I send our Fanboy Nation out to woo the women of the world, I have one word for the ladies out there.

Mace.

Michael Davis is a comics creator and the founder of the Guardian Line series of comics as well as being a television producer and writer. He was a co-founder of Milestone Comics and his artwork has appeared in Wasteland, Green Arrow: Shado, Green Hornet and The Question, among others.

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