Fri Oct 5, 2007 — by Michael Davis

MICHAEL DAVIS: The Fanboy Guide to Girls • Part 1

Straight, No Chaser #34

Wow, the site looks great! I really like those drawing of the columnists that…oh, they’re not there. Well I’m sure if there was an issue, the artist (who knocked himself out taking time out of his VERY busy schedule to draw them, sorry I mean the award winning artist who wrote the curriculum for the Museum of Modern Art’s art school) would have been told before he looked at the site and saw they were not there.

I’m sure of that.

Sorry. As Peter David would say, I digress. This column is about girls!

Girls, Girls, Girls!

When it comes to girls we comic book, movie, TV, video game and toy fans have been labeled geeks, nerds, losers, and fanboys – to name a choice few. In most popular culture fair we are often portrayed as the hapless idiot who has no idea how to talk to girls.

Sadly, this is true.

We are those geeks, nerds, losers, and fanboys that people think we are. Well, I’m not, I picked up girls like they were lint and I was a dust buster. You know why? Because I’m FUNNY! Look, you may not think I’m funny, but I am funny! How do I know that I’m funny? Because I’m paid to be funny!

I have written funny TV shows, funny comics, and funny columns. So if someone writes YOU a check for being thin even if strangers come up to you on the street and scream “Have you called Jenny yet?” then you are thin.

And even if nobody wrote me a check, I would still be funny!  Not in a Brokeback way, but in a ha ha kind of way.

See? That was funny!

Not as funny as not telling the artist who broke his back working with horrible photos to help develop a new look for a website and not telling him that there was an issue (the same artist who has a building named after him at a magnet school of the arts) no, not, that funny. But it was funny!

A sense of humor is sooo important with chicks! The problem with some of us (read: YOU) is that what you think is funny requires background information for it to be funny.

Consider this, that girl you are talking to (trying to talk to) may not get that Halo 3 joke you just told her. That blank stare you are getting is a good indication that she does not get the joke or get you.  It’s possible that the young lady doesn’t have Halo 3. It’s possible (sit down this may floor you) it’s possible they may have never heard of Halo 3.

I’ll wait.  Take a moment; I know it’s hard.

Let me tell you about the honeys out there. If you don’t listen to anything else in this entire article listen to this ONE THING. Ready? Here it is…

Girls are smarter than guys.

Sorry, they just are. In fact the only advantage we have over them is we are stronger. Well, some of us are stronger, have you seen some German women? Dude, the word I’m looking for is…ugh.

See? That was funny, kind of messed up and bias as well as being sexist but it was funny…and true. See? Funny again!

It’s important to remember that girls are smarter. It will save you time when you think: “Does she know I’m lying my ass off to impress her?”  The answer to that question will always be yes. Oh, some girls may act like they believe you, but it’s just an act, dude. An act like an artist thinking he was part of a family when he tried to help with an impossible task within an impossible deadline to help redesign a website with some unique art but awoke to the sad fact that his family had deserted him, left him alone without even telling him why.

Sniff.

A sense of humor shows that you have an open mind. It shows that you can laugh at things around you and that you are sensitive.

Chicks DIG sensitivity! But! Be careful that you don’t get too sensitive. That will be bad, real bad. Don’t get so sensitive that she thinks you may be gay. Then all she will want to do with you is go shopping and talk to you about the other guys she is dating.

That would SUCK. Trust me, I know. How? Well, when I started working at Motown a few of the women in the office put together an “Eligible Bachelor at Motown” list. I was anxious to see where I would rank. Hey, I was a CEO and had a great sense of humor, great car, great house, great clothes and I was sensitive.

Where did I rank? Heck, I didn’t even make the list.

When I asked my assistant why, she said it was because everyone assumed I was gay! I asked her where she got that from and she told me; “You are always reading, you are up on current events, you listen to Barbara Streisand, musicals and Liza Minnelli, you dress well and you are very sensitive.” I turned down the soundtrack of West Side Story so everyone could hear when I yelled “I do NOT listen to Liza Minnelli!”

How and why did I deal with this? Well why I objected was not because I have an issue with gay people. Hey, everything hip and cool on this planet was created by gay and black people. The issue I had was I’m not gay. But, if I was I would be super cool as I said, everything hip and cool on this planet was created by gay and black people. So if I were to be gay and black that would make me mega cool. But alas, the fact that I love women would have made any gay relationship hard.

Gay Guy: So Michael, what do you want to do tonight?
Me: A girl.

See? FUNNY!

Now to the how I dealt with people thinking I was gay, I started dating Halle Berry! Or to put it another way, I went into politician mode. I lied.

Well not really, but I did send myself flowers to my office signed Wow, thanks for a great evening. Halle! Then a few weeks later I sent some more flowers and the card was signed: Please give me another chance! Halle.

Hey, when I met Halle years ago on the set of the movie Boomerang I told her that I was going to tell everyone I was dating her. She was cool with it.

In any case, it worked. The point?  Don’t be too sensitive or you will have to send yourself flowers – they just better not be from Halle! She’s my fake superstar admirer; get your own!

Another important point to consider is listening. There is a true art to listening. The first thing you have to do is shut up so you can listen. That’s right buddy contain your excitement about Sin City 2 and listen to what she is saying. Every so often nod and smile.

Nod and smile. Remember that.

Then when she gets to something you have a bit of knowledge about ask her a question. Most of the things she will be saying you will have no idea what she is talking about. Don’t fell bad; this is not a fanboy problem. No, sadly this is a man problem.

No man understands what women are saying. Some of us are just better at pretending we do.

That’s why listening is so important. She will think you understand because you are not saying anything. And what are you doing? You are nodding and smiling, that’s what! As I was saying, when she gets to a subject you have some knowledge about (it will most likely be cats) ask a question, That will score you some points.

Girl: So, that’s why I still love Britney! My cat’s named Britney.
You: Does your cat sing?
Girl: You are so funny!

THAT, my friend, is a two-for, (as in 2 for 1). You have asked a question (5 points) and it was funny (5 points). Now just shut up smile and listen or this may happen to you.

Girl: So, that’s why I still love Britney! My cat’s named Britney.
You: Does your cat sing?
Girl: You are so funny!
You: Well?
Girl: Well what?
You: Well, does you cat sing?
Girl: No…
You: (Cutting her off) I think that cats once had the ability to talk but lost the ability to do so over millions of years. If your cat could sing it would help me prove the existence of talking cats!

Uncomfortable silence, like what is bound to happen when the artist sits down to a meal with his “family” at, say, the Mid-Ohio Con. Silence followed most likely by an uncomfortable stare from the artist.

You: Where you going?

So, let’s review what we have learned so far.

1.    Have a sense of humor.
2.    Be sensitive.
3.    Don’t be too sensitive.
4.    Listen (nod and smile nod and smile; much like the famous line Kevin Costner kept repeating in the film JFK: Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Sadly after an hour or so of nod and smile the result will feel the same as what Mr. Costner was describing in the film. But you got to do what you got to do.)
5.    Ask a question.
6.    Remember Girls are smarter than you!!

In part 2 of The Fanboy Guide To Girls, I will go over the do’s and don’t of dating. There will be a quiz.

In the mean time, nod and smile and smile…

Michael Davis handles rejection and disappointment in his own unique manner. Catch him here at ComicMix every Friday.

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