Fri Sep 28, 2007 — by Michael Davis

MICHAEL DAVIS: All My Children…Suck

Straight, No Chaser #33

I know, I know, no fanboy out there in the land of Heroes, Star Wars, Star Trek and the like even watches soaps on daytime television.

Sure you don’t.

Well I do and I have done so for over 20 years. That among other reasons is why I, fanboy, have a lovely Asian goddess in my life while you identify at 30 with the kids from Superbad.

So make fun of me all you want, I don’t have to visit the “Love You Long Time” website to get my kicks. Part of that is because I watch soaps and I am sensitive.

Yes, sensitive.

I know that mostly women watch soaps but I have learned a great deal about women from watching soaps. What have I learned? Well that’s another column which I’m writing (called The Fanboy Guide To Girls) but I will give you one example of what I have learned about women from watching soaps. If you are on the phone they will pick up the extension and listen…guaranteed.

The one and only soap I watch is All My Children. I LOVE THAT SHOW!

Or I did…

What follows is an open letter to the head of ABC Daytime or the Executive Producer of All My Children who ever is responsible for turning the best show on TV into the reason I am thinking about joining a cult. For all you readers who don’t watch the show (sure you don’t) I will try and explain some of the goings on by way of AMC facts*

Dear Sir/Madam or Satan,

I am a black man born and raised in the mean streets and housing projects of New York City. I have seen people shot, been shot at, been beat up, robbed etc. In fact just about any thing your writers can come up with on the show that happened to Jessie (You remember Jessie don’t you? No? Well Jessie was that black street kid that Jackson Montgomery adopted who simply disappeared from the show.) Well, I’m the real life Jessie.

I have been watching All My Children for over 20 years. I have been a fan for that long. I own All My Children trading cards, Erica Kane Barbie dolls, and hard cover books on the series. Let me tell you something, when you are a 6’2” black man with a Erica Kane Barbie on your mantel, that’s a fan. No matter what happened to me during my day on the street I could always look forward to coming home grabbing a Cherry Coke and losing myself in the lives and loves of the citizens of Pine Valley.

You may not know this, but you have a lot of black men fans, straight black men as well as professional football player fans, home boy fans, home girl fans and comic book fans to name just a few. I would tell anyone that would listen that your show is the best show on TV and guess what? I also have a connection with one of your stars on the show I was told that Walt Willy (Jackson Montgomery) leased a loft I once owned. Just in case you think I’m on crack the address started with 299 and it’s in a New Jersey city. I won’t tell you the entire address but it has100 foot ceiling and the view from the balcony is an apartment buildings back yard. Oh yeah, it’s on the 3rd floor. Check with Mr. Willy I’m sure he will confirm this.

I’ve also done a fair amount of TV work myself. I once ran film and TV for Motown Records and in fact I’m getting ready to launch a new show on a major network in 2008 so I’m not just talking smack when I say I know the TV industry. That said, this letter is not from Michael Davis the TV guy or the black guy or even the comic book guy. This is from Michael Davis the biggest straight man fan of what used to be the greatest show on the planet. 

What have you done to this show, to MY SHOW?  It’s now the frickin’ Kendal / Spike sob story hour! Also there is not one character on the show that ANYONE can sympathize with. I mean it I loathe everybody even the show’s kids.

Especially the kids!!

I never thought I would ever say this but I want to kill a baby. SPIKE MUST DIE!! I hate that kid. AMC facts* Spike is the child of Kendal Hart Kane Slater. Kendal is Erica Kane’s daughter. Erica and Kendal once hated each other. Erica had Kendal as a result of a bad experience so Erica had to hate her right? More on Erica later.

Anyway, I hate that kid. For what seems like months the whole show is about Kendal’s STUPID obsession with that little bastard. Spike must die! Truth be told it’s not Spike I hate it’s Kendal. But killing Kendal would not make me feel better. Killing Spike would finally shut Kendal up or drive her crazy. I hate the way she goes on and on and on and on and on about Spike. She beyond obsessed!!!

Kendal: Zack! I hear that on Mars there may be a rock that can cure Spike.
(AMC facts* Spike lost his hearing when Kendal’s ex- best friend drove a car off a cliff with the kid in the car. Kendal will do anything to help Spike get his hearing back.)
Zack: (Kendal’s husband) Mars?
Kendal: Yes!! I read on line that there is a rock on Mars that can cure illness!
Zack: Mars?
Kendal: Yes Mars!! Isn’t this great news?
Zack: Honey, how are we supposed to get to Mars?
Kendal: A spaceship!
Zack: Honey we don’t have a spaceship and it’s unrealistic to think that...
Kendal: (Hysterical) YES A SPACESHIP!! BUILD ME A SPACESHIP!!I WANT TO LEAVE IN 5 SECONDS!!
Zack: Calm down…
Kendal: (VERY Hysterical) DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN. I WANT MY SPACESHIP! I NEED IT IN 5 SECONDS!
Zack. You want me to build you a spaceship in 5 seconds to take you to Mars to get a rock that will cure Spike?
Kendal: (VERY VERY Hysterical) YES!! 5 SECONDS!  SPACESHIP! SPIKEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Zack: On it.

I can’t stand Kendal or Spike but as annoying as they are there are even more annoying characters like Lilly and her twin sister Ava. Lilly was once an interesting character unique to the world of soaps. Now I just want to smash her face. Her twin half sister Ava is a streetwise hustler who is just as annoying. How annoying? Well she was in the hospital about to die from some easy to fix aliment and it took an episode and a half to convince her to have the operation. Why? Because she’s a model and did not want a scar. So her choice was to die (which I’m pretty sure would have ended her modeling career) or have a small scar but she would still be alive.

Now Ava is dating Jonathan who was once married to Lilly. Jonathan could not touch Lilly because of Lilly’s illness. AMC facts*Jonathan also killed a bunch of people but got off because he had a brain tumor. The tumor was removed then he was a little slow in the head. One day he was hit on the head and his slowness went away. BUT he faked being slow so that Lilly would feel they were still connected. She found out and divorced him. Now Jonathan is dating her identical twin sister who can be touched. In fact she has been touched…a lot.

In comics we have this thing called continuity, you may want to pay a bit more attention to that with regards to the Lilly/Jonathan/Ava story line.

Don’t even get me started about how many times I have seem Lilly in a room filled with RED or how Jonathan sat down next to her in Kendal’s hospital room while his arm rested ON hers that show aired 8/28/07. (AMC facts* Lilly can’t be touched or look at red without freaking out. Long story.)

My mother has told me never to use the word “hate.” She says that you can never really hate anything. Well I have used the word “hate” for a variety of things. Mostly it has been to make a point how much I disliked something…duh.

Well for the first time I am using the word and mean it the way my mother says not to mean it…with hate.

I hate Ryan Lavey. I hate him, I hate him I hate him, I hate him, I hate him I hate him. I hate him, I hate him I hate him. This guy makes me sick. His “moral code” is enough to make Jesus say, “A little high and mighty there, eh, Ryan?” This self righteous mofu makes me want to bitch slap puppies. He always has to be in someone’s business with his high moral authority. This from a guy who faked his own death to get out of being a father.

AMC facts* Ryan drove a motorcycle off a cliff to get out of being responsible for a baby he was going to have. Now that I think of it that was pretty gangster. I knew plenty of people in the hood who wanted to get out of fatherhood but most of the time it was simply not being around or disappearing (like my own daddy) but driving a motorcycle off a cliff is pretty hard core.

Any way Ryan always has to know everything regardless of how damn petty it is.

Ryan: What were you doing in there?
Tad Martin: Using the bathroom.
Ryan: Answer me Tad-what were you doing in there?
Tad: What business is it of yours?
Ryan: What are you hiding Tad?
Tad: I’m not hiding anything.
Ryan: I think you are.

Tad begins to walk away. AMC facts* In any soap the conversation always takes place with the two actors taking turns walking back and forth for no apparent reason.

Ryan grabs Tad by his arm, stopping him from walking away.

Ryan: Answer me Tad, what are you hiding?
Tad: (yelling) I was using the bathroom!!!
Ryan: I need to know what you are hiding. Does this have anything to do with Spike?
(AMC facts*Spike is Ryan’s kid. Kendal stole his sperm-longggggg story.
Tad: (yelling!) I made doo doo a giant turd ok? Unless Spike wants to play with it, no it has nothing to do with him!)

Ryan looks at Tad as he walks towards the bathroom without saying a word.

Tad: What are you doing?
Ryan: I want to talk to that turd!

Now, let’s talk about the character that everyone loves to hate. Erica Kane. She used to be the best evil little bitch on TV. I mean she was the Diva to beat all Divas. Now she’s just…a Ho. What have you done to my Erica? Yes mine! I have had to endure all kinds of ridicule for 20 years because I watch AMC so I claim it, it’s mine! MINE MINE!

That means Erica belongs to me! And since she’s a Ho-where’s my money?

What is with these stupid TV shows within a TV show? Lame! AMC facts*Erica has two TV shows that she does as well as run a giant cosmetics company. The fact that she is always up in someone’s business or hanging around the Pine Valley Yacht Club or sleeping with Jackson her divorced husband who she still loves or sleeping with Jeff her ex-husband gives her plenty of time to host two TV shows and run a cosmetics company. Oh yeah and she’s still a Ho.

Look, I could go on with this rant but I just realized something. I still love this damn show. Everything I just listed as pissing me off makes me come back, day after day month after month year after year. So Mr. or Ms. or Mrs. ABC executive I guess you are still doing a good job. I’m also sorry for calling Erica a Ho, I mean being married 10 times and having countless love affairs does not make her a Ho. She’s just horny.

All that said, I will NEVER EVER forgive you for what you did to Dixie!!!!!!

Since I now realize that I still love our show I am willing to write an episode or two for you. I am represented by The Gersh Agency in Beverly Hills. On second thought you can contact me via this website. Why tell my agents? I mean that 25% could be put to better use…you know what I’m saying?

Michael Davis is a comics creator and the founder of the Guardian Line series of comics as well as being a television producer and writer. He was a co-founder of Milestone Comics and his artwork has appeared in Wasteland, Green Arrow: Shado, Green Hornet and The Question, among others.

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