Fri May 11, 2007 — by Michael Davis

MICHAEL DAVIS: What about me? What about my needs?

Straight, No Chaser #13

I have no idea what this piece will be about. I really don’t. I’m sitting in a Chicago airport waiting to get a plane back to L.A. and my mind is a complete blank. I sent my last Straight No Chaser in last night (Wednesday) and I am determined to get a jump on my next one. The problem is I usually wait until something bugs me or interests me before I start my weekly rant. I would call this another random thought article but I have no thoughts random or otherwise.

Let’s see, lets see. Well I got another angry email. This one was about what I said about how my dogs are pets and not a member of my family. People are really passionate about their dogs, eh?
 
There is a TV show called Me or the Dog. I think it’s on Animal Planet. This show is about how dogs run the lives of people. There was a woman on one of these shows who actually said she preferred her dogs to her husband and son. She said if given a choice between her family and the dogs she would put the family out of the home before the dogs. I think she thinks she’s a dog. Well if she thinks she’s a dog then I will address this in a way she would understand.

That bitch is crazy.

Ah, I have found my rant for this week… ranting!! One of my absolute favorite TV shows is Cheaters. I love that show! Every week the show exposes someone who is cheating on his or her partner. Here’s what I don’t understand: when you find out your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, sheep etc. is cheating on you, why are you mad at the person they were cheating with? Shouldn’t you be mad at the person who cheated on you? Being mad at the other party is like being mad at the mailman for bringing you your phone bill.

Well, mark my words someday Joey (the host) is going to put that camera in the wrong person’s face and BLAM! Can you imagine what will happen if they run up against that guy or girl?

Fade in: The Cheaters crew prepares to jump out of their band. Joey turns to the client, Lewannabe.

Joey: Would you like a chance to confront Ray Ray?
Lewannabe: No, you go ahead Joey. I’m not crazy.
Joey jumps out of the van with his crew and confronts Ray Ray.
Joey: Ray Ray, I’m Joey Greco from Cheaters. Do you want to explain why you are cheating on your wife Lewannabe?
Ray Ray: I’m not.
Joey; We have you on tape.
Ray Ray: That’s not me.
Joey: Really, well let’s just look at the tape.
Ray Ray on tape: I like cheating on my wife, my name is Ray Ray.
Joey: Still say that’s not you?
Ray Ray: That’s not me; it’s my twin brother.
Ray Ray on tape: If Cheaters ever shows up I will say it’s my twin brother and not me.
Ray Ray has produced a handgun and is pointing it at Joey’s face.
Joey: You know that does not look like you at all Ray Ray. What were we thinking?
Joey: (Yelling) Lewannabe! Why did you waste our time??

What I would do is follow Joey or his wife or girlfriend around. How funny would it be if Joey was being cheated on? Now that’s good TV.

There’s a show on the opposite end of that spectrum: Sweet 16, on MTV. I hate that show more than slavery. This show is about the Sweet 16 parties of rich kids. These kids are spoiled rotten to the core. Now I don’t care if you want to buy your kids a private jet. Hey if you can afford it then, by all means, run that credit card. What bugs me is these kids have a sense of privilege that is simply incredible. They talk about not wanting to hang out with other kids because they don’t drive the right car or live in a big enough home.

Again, if you want your kids to grow up within this “class system: then go right ahead. But let me ask you this, you elitist idiot: what’s going to happen when your child is bitch slapped into a coma when they pull that “I’m better than you” crap on someone that does not care where they live or how much money they have?   

A few years ago I was at a club in L.A. This was a pretty swanky club. I was there with an old friend who was an ex-Crip (as in the gang the Crips) named Brick. When we got to the club there were no places to sit, so we stood. Soon a group of people got up from a table and we went to grab it. A busboy cleaned off the table and we sat down. Not to long after this the group who had gotten up from the table returned. Before we knew what was going on one of these guys was screaming for us to get out of their seats. We stood to leave, assuming this table was reserved. As we were about to step pass the group one of these morons pushed Brick. Brick is about 6’4” and built like A (you guessed it) Brick. This guy was telling us at the top of his lungs that we were beneath him and we should go back to the ghetto.

The idiot who was yelling was maybe 5’4” and skinny as a model on her knees trying to get rid of the Tic-Tac she ate for dinner. Brick grabbed this guy by the throat. That shut him up. Now he realized that all his daddy’s money could not save him being choked to death. So he did what most people do when they realize that they have made a life-threatening mistake – he started to cry.

No, Brick did not choke him to death, he let him go and we left the club. I’m sure that guy will think twice before he ever mouths off again. This spaz assumed that because he had money he was invincible and worst he assumed that Brick and I were beneath him. Sweet 16 is teaching an entire generation of kids that wealth makes them indestructible.

And that brings me to the SWEET news concerning Paris Hilton!!!! It’s been a few days since I started writing this and I just heard the wonderful news about Ms. Hilton. Man oh man, it’s like Christmas!! There I was writing a column about ranting and privilege and this gift drops into my lap!

Any regular readers of my column will surly remember that I have pointed my pen at Ms. Hilton before – but MAN!!! How cool is this???

OK let me calm down and review the facts. Paris was arrested for a DUI and had her license suspended and put on probation. She was caught driving with a suspended license and given a warning. She was caught again and given a court date. So what does Ms. Hilton do after escaping the long arm of the law twice?

Well…

1) She showed up for court 10 minutes late.
2) She told the judge that she did not know her license was suspended.
3) She said that she did not read what she signed – she had people for that.
4) She said she was a really busy person.
5) She thinks the 45-day jail sentence is unfair.
6) She wants the governor to suspend her sentence.

Now let me address these one at a time.

1) She showed up for court 10 minutes late. WHO does that?? Who in their right mind comes to court late? When you may get JAIL time even if you show up on time? If you or I did that we would be put under the jail. Who thinks they can get away with that? WHO?

Paris child of privilege Hilton. That’s who.

2) She told the judge that she did not know her license was suspended. What did she think she was going to court for? A photo shoot? She’s a freaking HILTON. They have lawyers to tell them what day it is. Do you really think that she did not know? Do you really think that a HILTON is not being told by her lawyers why they are going to court? Who thinks that? Who goes to court NOT knowing why they are going to court? Who thinks that a JUDGE would believe that crap?

Paris I saw your tape and was not impressed Hilton. That’s who.

3) She said that she did not read what she signed. She had people for that. Now THAT I believe. Her “people” are agents, managers and LAWYERS! All of those people are PAID to tell her what she signed.

4) She said she was a really busy person. To busy to obey the law? To busy to read what she signs? To busy to hire a driver if she is going to be out drinking? She’s not too busy to get busy in a hotel room and have that tape all over the Internet. I bet she was not too busy to read about that little important piece of her life.

5) She thinks the 45-day jail sentence is unfair. She drove DRUNK. She was caught and warned. She showed up for court 10 minutes late. She told the judge that she did not know her license was suspended. She said that she did not read what she signed-she had people for that. She said she was a really busy person. To busy to OBEY the law? She thinks the 45-day sentence is unfair?

No, hard working people (including women and children) being shot with rubber bullets and kicked to the ground by L.A.P.D. while they peacefully marched last week is unfair. A baby being shot in a drive-by while sleeping in her crib is UNFAIR. A music mogul who CONFESSED to shooting a woman in the head now pleads not guilty and because he has bank may get off – THAT’S UNFAIR!

Who thinks getting a 45-day prison sentence for driving drunk and putting others at risk is unfair? Who thinks they are above the law? Who thinks the GOVERNOR of the ENTIRE STATE OF CALIFORINA should spend their time and the resources of the state to deal with her spoiled ass?

Paris Who’s your daddy? So? It doesn’t matter now. Hilton.

The real thing that makes me mad is that to a zillion kids this will make her cooler. When she gets out this will be just another thing to talk about at her parties. Truth be told, Paris is not the problem – she was raised this way. She knows no other way to be so we really can’t blame her – we can blame her parents. The same with those kids from Sweet 16, It’s the parents who are to blame. I watch those shows Super Nanny and Nanny 911 and see how these kids are being raised. I saw an episode of one of those shows where this kid PUNCHED his mother in the face and cursed at her.

What?

My mother would have SHOT me (in the leg but still shot me) if I even thought about raising my hand to her. My mother backhanded me once for looking at her the wrong way. I’m not kidding.

What does this have to do with comics? Who cares? Why should I write about comics and stuff like that if I don’t feel like it? In fact why should I write anything at all? Yes, Mike this is late but I’m a busy person and I have people who read for me. What about me, what about my needs?

You know what? I don’t have time for this. I’m not even going to fin…

Hollywood’s own Michael Davis is professionally cute for a living.

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