Articles by michael-davis-2
Fri Mar 14, 2008 — by Michael Davis
The Moment Of Truth, by Michael Davis
Straight, No Chaser #57
Who in the world is stupid enough to go on shows like The Moment Of Truth and the Maury show?
I’ve always thought that stupid is what stupid does, but these people are just as dim as a black room. No, even dimmer. I can almost see why people go on The Moment Of Truth, they pay you cold hard cash and all you have to do is tell the truth. Of course the truth may destroy your family and spill the beans about your dirty laundry to MILLIONS of people, but, hey you will be able to buy a new car. You can ride your new car to the therapist’s office because you will need to seek help after realizing what a moron you are.
You idiot.
How obtuse are these people? Sorry, I just realized that there might be some people out there reading this who may have appeared on one of those shows. A word like “obtuse” may make their brains explode. OK, if you have appeared on one of these shows I am going to help you. First, sound it out. URB-TWOS.
Got it?
Now for the meaning; Obtuse; URB-TWOS: Your children are doomed to a life of crime, poverty or shame because you are an idiot.
Before I go on, I should tell you that I love BOTH those shows! They are like a bag of popcorn. Popcorn has absolutely no nutritional value but while you are eating it, boy does it taste good! You may be asking why I have not included Jerry Springer with these shows. I hate to break it to you, but that show is as fake as wrestling.
Yes fanboy, wrestling is fake.
Take a moment. I understand…
The Maury show has a repeating theme: the “paternity” show. On those shows men are confronted with women who claim they are the fathers of their newborn kids. The men deny it, so Maury does a DNA test and reveals the results on the show!
Fri Mar 7, 2008 — by Michael Davis
I Want To Be Like Mike, by Michael Davis
Straight, No Chaser #56
What is cool? Fri Feb 29, 2008 — by Michael Davis
The Silly Season, by Michael Davis
Straight, No Chaser #55
Up to now I was on the fence about whom I was going to vote for in the Presidential election. All I knew for sure is that I was going to vote for whatever Democrat won the nomination. If Charles Barkley won the nomination I would have voted for him. So, yes, no matter what Democrat wins I’m casting my ballot his or her way.
Even though I am running for President myself (I announced that a few columns ago) I am realistic enough to know that I may not win. I am going to take a stand like Ralph Nader. I’m in it to make a point like Nader. I’m in it to be a huge pain in the ass with no godly chance of winning… like Nader. If you ask me It’s just as much Nader’s fault we are in a war in Iraq as it is Bush’s. If he did not take votes away from Gore then we would be worried about a sex scandal right about now not fighting a war we have no business waging.
I like Both Senator Clinton and Senator Obama and would have been happy to vote for either.
Until last week. Last week I decided whom not to vote for.
Before I give my endorsement (which will surely decide the nominee as I carry so much weight) let me share a bit about each candidate. There is a real chance that Barack Obama will come to Comic Con International this summer. His campaign contacted me last year about setting that up and it still may happen.
Why me? Let’s just say that’s how I roll.
I like Obama but did not know if I was ready to vote for him. I was very impressed that his campaign thinks that Comic Con is a smart place to reach young people. That move earned him serious points in my book.
To be frank I was a huge fan of the Clintons and was leaning in Hillary’s direction, mainly because I loved Bill Clinton. I have met quite a few notable people in my life. From heads of state to rock, hip-hop and movie stars to world leaders. When I say meet I’m not talking about some random street meeting or autograph signing I’m talking about being in business with them or being invited to their home or inviting them to mine. Most of these well known people I meet are impressive but three impressed me to a point where I was speechless.
Fri Feb 15, 2008 — by Michael Davis
My Follow Americans, by Michael Davis
Straight, No Chaser #53
Hey, did I miss something? I may have as I don’t visit the site every day but did we not just pass one year of ComicMix?!! Where is the fan fare? Where is the celebration? Fri Feb 8, 2008 — by Michael Davis
Pow! Zap! Dim! Thick! Asinine! by Michael Davis
Straight, No Chaser #52
Have you noticed that whenever there is an article which feature comics, it almost always features a Pow, Zap, or some such idiotic way to describe comic books in the title? If not fight effects then it will begin with Holy, as in Holy Crack Whore! Comics find their way into Rehab!
Continue reading Pow! Zap! Dim! Thick! Asinine! by Michael Davis ›
Thu Jan 24, 2008 — by Michael Davis
The Worst TV Show Ever – Part 1, by Michael Davis
Straight, No Chaser #50
There’s a show on The E Network called Keeping Up With The Kardashians. After watching that show once I am now convinced we are living in the last days of The Apocalypse. Continue reading The Worst TV Show Ever – Part 1, by Michael Davis ›
Fri Jan 11, 2008 — by Michael Davis
I Want That! by Michael Davis
Straight, No Chaser #48
Wow!
What a difference a week makes! I mean can you believe what happened last week? I write a column about politics and personal choice and I get zillion comments and now the biggest event in the history of the USA political system occurs! This event makes me so proud to be a black man!
History was made last week and I’m sure you saw it unfold on television as I did. I still cannot believe that…
Britney Spears lost her mind and went to the hospital.
Wow! I, one day will be able to tell my grandkids that I saw this crazy little twit get carted away in an ambulance. She looked like she was on the kind of drugs that make hard core drug addicts say “Oh Hell no, I’m not taking that! I’ll stick to heroin.”
Did you see the number of police cars that were there?
Fri Jan 4, 2008 — by Michael Davis
I Like Sex, by Michael Davis
Straight, No Chaser #47
Happy New Year!!Fri Dec 28, 2007 — by Michael Davis
The Top 10 Reasons I’m Glad it’s 2008, by Michael Davis
Straight, No Chaser #46
Happy New Year!!Continue reading The Top 10 Reasons I’m Glad it’s 2008, by Michael Davis ›
Fri Dec 21, 2007 — by Michael Davis
Because it’s Christmas, by Michael Davis
Straight, No Chaser #45
Last week I told a bittersweet Christmas story and this week I was going to give my Christmas list of stuff that I thought would make good gifts.
Then…
I remembered the young lady I met in an airport a while back. I never got her name but she told me she wants to be a comic book artist and has no friends. She is a bit overweight and is being picked on at school because of that. She has a less than supportive family. Trust me, when I say “less than supportive” I’m being KIND.
I wrote about her in my column and related a story from my childhood that I hoped she would read.
I know what it’s like to that kid. I may not have been overweight but there were years when I felt I had no real friends. It’s the roughest around the holidays at least I had the support of my family…well most of my family.
So once again, my friend, this is for you. It’s a bit rough but trust me, it turns out OK.
My stepfather was an alcoholic and because of that I did not take my first drink until five years ago. I was under the impression that he was my real father and I did not want to go down the same road as him.
Get this: the way I found out that he was not my real father is an aunt of mine got mad at him and told me.
Continue reading Because it’s Christmas, by Michael Davis ›
Fri Dec 14, 2007 — by Michael Davis
Superman #2 – A Christmas Story, by Michael Davis
Straight, No Chaser #44
I LOVE CHRISTMAS!
I love it, love it LOVE IT! It’s by far my favorite time of the year. When I was a kid my mother would always make sure we had a great Christmas no matter what. My mother had two jobs and was going to school year round. I learned years later that she always took a third job around Christmas. So I have a LOT of Christmas stories some good some not so good but most involving comics.
Here’s one.
When I was 10 I traded my cousin Greg all the money I had in the world (three dollars) for seven golden age comics he had found in an attic. Among those books were Superman #2, an All-Flash, a Captain Marvel and some others I don’t recall. I remember Superman #2 vividly because this was the age I started to trade comics and the number on the issues were very important to me and this was a Superman comic! I loved those comics, they were my most prized possession. I don’t think anything since has been able to match my pride of ownership for those books.
That year my mom sent my sister and me to Alabama for summer vacation. Yeah, send the little black kids from New York To Alabama for a vacation. That’s great. That’s like sending your dog to Michael Vick’s house for some exercise.
Well by some miracle we survived that summer and I survived the HORRIBLE wait to see my comics again. I am not kidding. I LOVED those books and because they contained Superman #2 I was BMITH (Big man in the hood).
Before I go on I should mention that the way we got to Alabama was by car. Yep, two days and two nights in the back seat with my SISTER! So when we finally got back to the states, (to us Alabama was like ‘Nam) I made a bee-line for my room and my beloved stack of Golden Age joy! The moment I entered my room I knew there was a problem. I could see my floor! For any 10 year to be able to see their room’s floor is a terrible omen of dire things to come. Where were my toys? Where were my baseball cards?
Continue reading Superman #2 – A Christmas Story, by Michael Davis ›
Fri Nov 23, 2007 — by Michael Davis
Thank you. Thank you very much… by Michael Davis
Straight, No Chaser #41
Every Thanksgiving the media does reports on what makes people thankful. It’s always the same things. Husbands are thankful for their wives and kids. Wives are thankful for their husband and kids. Older people are thankful for good health. Kids are thankful for their Mom & Dad. Blah, blah, blah…
blahblahblahblahblahblah!
Give me a break. I mean come on; everybody loves his or her family. Well almost everybody. I forgot about the Menendez Brothers.
I love my family, as I’m sure you do but besides them, I wonder what people are really thankful for?
I think I may know…
Men are thankful for women and power tools. Women are thankful for shoes and power tools (...give it a moment). Skinny people are thankful for fat people. Fat people are thankful for meat. Black people are thankful for Lincoln and videotape, especially in Los Angeles. White people are thankful for golf and vacations. Super models are thankful for books on tape. Liberals are thankful for rent control and gun legislation. Conservatives are thankful for gated communities and guns.
Continue reading Thank you. Thank you very much… by Michael Davis ›
Fri Nov 9, 2007 — by Michael Davis
With Great Power… by Michael Davis
Straight, No Chaser #39
It’s no secret that I think that people who worship celebrity are idiots. I mean, come on; do these people really think that Britney is thinking about them? Every night on a popular entertainment news program they have something called “Britney watch.” That is just nuts to me. This show follows Britney Spears everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE! If she goes to Starbucks there are camera crews watching her sip from a cup. I’m not kidding.
Most of the people we hold up as stars are also looked up to by many as heroes. Really? With that in mind I wondered what would happen if our super heroes acted like today’s stars.
My apologies in advance to DC, Marvel, Archie and everyone else. Hey guys, satire is good for the soul!
High above the skies of Metropolis an epic battle rages. For hours Superman and the evil super villain have traded blow after terrific blow. Neither asking for quarter neither granting any. Finally Superman looks into the face of the evil super villain and shouts, “You can’t win evil, super villain!” The evil super villain produces a green rock from behind his back. He thrusts it out at Superman who withdraws in terror! “ Kryptonite!” Superman says the word as if its very mention is painful to him. The evil super villain flies closer to Superman who is struggling to remain airborne. “Now you will die!!” The evil super villain declares as Superman plummets from the sky!
Fri Nov 2, 2007 — by Michael Davis
Dumb Ass, by Michael Davis
Straight, No Chaser #38
DNA pioneer James Watson says blacks are genetically less smart. He told a UK newspaper whites are more intelligent. Watson, the man who along with Francis Crick won the Nobel Prize for discovering the double-helix structure of DNA, is facing a HUGE backlash after claiming that black people are genetically less intelligent than whites.
I don’t know what the uproar is. He’s right. Well he’s right when it comes to me. I’m sure he’s smarter than I am.
Or is he?
I’m a pretty smart guy but I doubt if I’m smarter than a Nobel Prize winning scientist.
Or am I?
Mr. Watson tells the world that black people are dumber than white people and expected kudos from the world for his insight.
That’s like me saying Hitler was a hero and expecting a parade for my words of wisdom. Some small minded sick fools may believe that, but just how stupid would they be to say it?
Fri Oct 26, 2007 — by Michael Davis
Because I Said So, by Michael Davis
Straight, No Chaser #37
My mother is almost 60 years old. She has been smoking a pack of cigarettes a day for almost 40 years. I don’t smoke. In fact I think it’s a stupid habit and I’m glad she told me not to do it.
She told me not to smoke. I listened. I’ll get back to that in a sec.
As I write this there is a raging debate over who can adopt and raise DOGS in this country. The talk show host Ellen DeGeneres gave a dog away she adopted. The agency said (and it was in the contract Ellen signed) you couldn’t give away an adopted dog so they went and took the dog away from the little girl Ellen had given the dog to. So Ellen goes on her talk show crying like a girl and tells the world of the injustice that has been done to this little girl. So what happened? Well the dog agency owners start to get death threats and Ellen’s legal team threatens “legal action” against the dog adoption agency.
What do I think? I could care less about Ellen, the dog agency, or the dog.
I am a wee bit concerned about this: why there is so much of an uproar about who raises a dog and virtually none about who raises kids?
